MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

So: three stories. Story A is about "a single girl who can't land a man." Right away you know how this is going to go: you can't "land" a man, there is in fact something deeply wrong with you, and only Dr. Phil can fix it. And while he's trying, he is going to treat you so very much like crap. "Miss Independent" starts playing, and this is great synergy, see, because this is a song about just what we're seeing.

I'll elaborate. This song, performed by Kelly Clarkson on her first album -- which, for the record, I liked, although I think "Just Missed The Train" should have been the second single -- is basically a narrative about a young woman who must "grow out" of being a strong, independent person in order to land a man. She's "miscalculated" and has a few "misconceptions," and some other horrible qualities we don't like: she's "independent," "self-sufficient," "unafraid," "plays it smart," and would prefer not to let a man interfere or start any bullshit. But then, she falls in love, and realizes in horror that she could have died alone -- just like Subject A! Luckily, we're going to see her using "Dr. Phil as [her] secret weapon," and he's going to tell her where she goes wrong on all her dates. We're going to put the "viable partner" cart before the "self-esteem and charm" horse, basically, so she can fool her next date into thinking she's "fun," even though she's. Um. Not.

Story B concerns Jonathan and Victoria from The Amazing Race. You already know the deal there, but what's awesome is how coincidentally impotent Dr. Phil's critique of their disgusting behavior turns out to be. It's a fluff piece with a little bit of behind-the-scenes corporate handjob happening, or, as the voice-over puts it, "This Playboy Playmate and Hollywood husband face their toughest challenge: Dr. Phil!" Same difference. I'm already disgusted, enraged, and disappointed by this one, and the show hasn't even really started yet. Twelve little words -- although if the sentence contains the phrases "Playboy Playmate," "Hollywood husband" or "toughest challenge: Dr. Phil," that's not exactly a shocker.

Finally there's Story C, which concerns the totally fake and made-up-by-Dr. Phil story of a man who proposed to his wife while mowing the lawn and now would like to create a "Sex Contract" in order to insure their continued sexual intimacy after marriage. Yeah. And like with the other two, I can't confine my hate to just the dude half of this equation, for the same reason Groucho Marx wouldn't want to join a club that would have him as a member. Nothing is worth this. You're wonderful and awesome without a man next to you, I think. We see Dr. Phil saying, "Maybe you shouldn't marry him," but since this is the swan song of my relationship with Dr. Phil, I have this feeling it won't work out that way. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's going to find some way to call her a bitch.

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

So: three stories. Story A is about "a single girl who can't land a man." Right away you know how this is going to go: you can't "land" a man, there is in fact something deeply wrong with you, and only Dr. Phil can fix it. And while he's trying, he is going to treat you so very much like crap. "Miss Independent" starts playing, and this is great synergy, see, because this is a song about just what we're seeing.

I'll elaborate. This song, performed by Kelly Clarkson on her first album -- which, for the record, I liked, although I think "Just Missed The Train" should have been the second single -- is basically a narrative about a young woman who must "grow out" of being a strong, independent person in order to land a man. She's "miscalculated" and has a few "misconceptions," and some other horrible qualities we don't like: she's "independent," "self-sufficient," "unafraid," "plays it smart," and would prefer not to let a man interfere or start any bullshit. But then, she falls in love, and realizes in horror that she could have died alone -- just like Subject A! Luckily, we're going to see her using "Dr. Phil as [her] secret weapon," and he's going to tell her where she goes wrong on all her dates. We're going to put the "viable partner" cart before the "self-esteem and charm" horse, basically, so she can fool her next date into thinking she's "fun," even though she's. Um. Not.

Story B concerns Jonathan and Victoria from The Amazing Race. You already know the deal there, but what's awesome is how coincidentally impotent Dr. Phil's critique of their disgusting behavior turns out to be. It's a fluff piece with a little bit of behind-the-scenes corporate handjob happening, or, as the voice-over puts it, "This Playboy Playmate and Hollywood husband face their toughest challenge: Dr. Phil!" Same difference. I'm already disgusted, enraged, and disappointed by this one, and the show hasn't even really started yet. Twelve little words -- although if the sentence contains the phrases "Playboy Playmate," "Hollywood husband" or "toughest challenge: Dr. Phil," that's not exactly a shocker.

Finally there's Story C, which concerns the totally fake and made-up-by-Dr. Phil story of a man who proposed to his wife while mowing the lawn and now would like to create a "Sex Contract" in order to insure their continued sexual intimacy after marriage. Yeah. And like with the other two, I can't confine my hate to just the dude half of this equation, for the same reason Groucho Marx wouldn't want to join a club that would have him as a member. Nothing is worth this. You're wonderful and awesome without a man next to you, I think. We see Dr. Phil saying, "Maybe you shouldn't marry him," but since this is the swan song of my relationship with Dr. Phil, I have this feeling it won't work out that way. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's going to find some way to call her a bitch.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

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