MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Jonathan jumps in: "Wait, there's editing and storyline in everything you just said." Actually, there's factuality in everything he just said, bitch. These are contextless and unacceptable statements he's laid before you. There's no time or place in the history of human interaction where that would be okay. Well, okay, that last one might be okay (viz. Allison Irwin, ibid., if you trade "whining" for "freaking the fuck out"), if not for the rest of them, so maybe now isn't the best time to bring that up.

And Phil's down with that, all, "Okay, put a frame around it for me." He pulls another quote: "Shut up, you are a whiner and a complainer. It's your fault, Victoria. 100%." This in itself is kind of a softball, but he acts like it's the most damning evidence so far: "If that's out of context, frame it." None of those things are necessarily untrue, although I would argue it's kind of one-sided to say so. But Jonathan's not willing to let it go to a full Gannon: "First of all she was screeching at me. For over two hours." First of all, I doubt that seriously. Two hours? And second of all: "So you're the victim here?"

And there's no correct answer here, but rhetorically you would need to say, "We both did things we weren't proud of." For some reason, though, Victoria isn't fast enough to cover for him this time, and he responds, "No. Most people have fights." Which is true, I guess, at least in Dr. Phil World where everybody is fucking incapable of living a life free of bullshit. Dr. Phil is all, "I just have this burning desire to tell you guys what I think about this relationship." REALLY? How fresh and new, that you would have a condescending opinion. It's not like anybody who's seen one second of this and knows shit about abuse cases wouldn't be able to give you about five minutes on his culpability alone!

"REALLY?" asks Victoria, so fakely and stupid sex-doll-ily that you have no idea where she's coming from. He blinks at her like she's brain-damaged. "Yeah." (There's kind of a "sweetie" appended here, because after all, she's just a girl. She can't be expected to absorb the full monty of what Phil's saying, because she's the wife.) "I can observe one thing in a couple, and predict whether their relationship is going to wind up in divorce, with 90 plus percent accuracy." Amazing. Is one of those things mental incompetence? Or total sexual immaturity? Or pathological self-hatred? Because this show should be five minutes long.

Jonathan: "What is the one thing?" Phil smiles, because he likes it when people follow the disgusting self-important script: "I thought you'd want to know." Victoria giggles some more like an idiot.

"It's not whether you fight or not, it's how you end your fights," he says. Sure, once you rule out mental abuse and codependent victim syndrome. You're not dealing with a normal couple, you jerk. And you know it! You're talking to your demographic, who are mostly women with okay-to-good marriages, so you're talking about non-extreme problems, but this is such an extreme problem, and you're right here in the room with it. I can understand how that's a rough balance to draw. I do. But your responsibility is to the whatever percent that identifies with this bullshit, instead of the rest currently looking at it on their primetime TV and thinking, "How fucked up."

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Jonathan jumps in: "Wait, there's editing and storyline in everything you just said." Actually, there's factuality in everything he just said, bitch. These are contextless and unacceptable statements he's laid before you. There's no time or place in the history of human interaction where that would be okay. Well, okay, that last one might be okay (viz. Allison Irwin, ibid., if you trade "whining" for "freaking the fuck out"), if not for the rest of them, so maybe now isn't the best time to bring that up.

And Phil's down with that, all, "Okay, put a frame around it for me." He pulls another quote: "Shut up, you are a whiner and a complainer. It's your fault, Victoria. 100%." This in itself is kind of a softball, but he acts like it's the most damning evidence so far: "If that's out of context, frame it." None of those things are necessarily untrue, although I would argue it's kind of one-sided to say so. But Jonathan's not willing to let it go to a full Gannon: "First of all she was screeching at me. For over two hours." First of all, I doubt that seriously. Two hours? And second of all: "So you're the victim here?"

And there's no correct answer here, but rhetorically you would need to say, "We both did things we weren't proud of." For some reason, though, Victoria isn't fast enough to cover for him this time, and he responds, "No. Most people have fights." Which is true, I guess, at least in Dr. Phil World where everybody is fucking incapable of living a life free of bullshit. Dr. Phil is all, "I just have this burning desire to tell you guys what I think about this relationship." REALLY? How fresh and new, that you would have a condescending opinion. It's not like anybody who's seen one second of this and knows shit about abuse cases wouldn't be able to give you about five minutes on his culpability alone!

"REALLY?" asks Victoria, so fakely and stupid sex-doll-ily that you have no idea where she's coming from. He blinks at her like she's brain-damaged. "Yeah." (There's kind of a "sweetie" appended here, because after all, she's just a girl. She can't be expected to absorb the full monty of what Phil's saying, because she's the wife.) "I can observe one thing in a couple, and predict whether their relationship is going to wind up in divorce, with 90 plus percent accuracy." Amazing. Is one of those things mental incompetence? Or total sexual immaturity? Or pathological self-hatred? Because this show should be five minutes long.

Jonathan: "What is the one thing?" Phil smiles, because he likes it when people follow the disgusting self-important script: "I thought you'd want to know." Victoria giggles some more like an idiot.

"It's not whether you fight or not, it's how you end your fights," he says. Sure, once you rule out mental abuse and codependent victim syndrome. You're not dealing with a normal couple, you jerk. And you know it! You're talking to your demographic, who are mostly women with okay-to-good marriages, so you're talking about non-extreme problems, but this is such an extreme problem, and you're right here in the room with it. I can understand how that's a rough balance to draw. I do. But your responsibility is to the whatever percent that identifies with this bullshit, instead of the rest currently looking at it on their primetime TV and thinking, "How fucked up."

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