MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

The second I look to godawful woman-hating hate-baiting Nick Lachey for marriage advice is the second I marry someone with their vagina sewn shut by Disney who can't even read or eat unassisted. But then we remember where his hate of women -- which rivals Dr. Phil's -- came from and flows to, as Jessica offers her "take" -- "Moments of being selfless is [sic] awesome too. That moment where Nick really wants to watch that game, but he's going to go to the Barneys sale with me? That's pretty awesome." God. I don't know which I'd rather do, frankly: Watch sports in the same room with Nick, or go shopping with Jessica. The worst two people in the world in the worst relationship in the world, and they're giving me advice. This is hell. Hell is Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Back to Sex Contract Corey. Phil is meeting him at 7:30 AM, under the pretext that they are meeting for coffee or something. Phil tells Corey that his proposal was bullshit, while still somehow romantic, when it was really neither, because it wasn't a real proposal. He takes Corey to Harry Winston. Awesome. They both act like yokels.

He congratulates Corey on his choice of engagement ring -- you know, the one he just called crappy. Then he says that he wants Corey to pick a wedding ring out -- and they show a tray of identical rings -- which Phil shows his cards by describing ahead of time as "diamonds all around," which A) sounds utterly fucking gross, not to mention painful, and B) I've never seen The Bachelor but I heard they do this same thing: "Pick your ring from all these identical hideous rings! Whichever one you pick! Of these rings that are all the same! It's your lucky day!" and Corey's fakely all, "What?"

Dr. Phil is just taking out mortgages on my good will, all, "Don't worry about the cost, this is on me." Fake: "Are you serious?" And he should pick a wedding band for himself. Pretty risky business, considering Dr. Phil is "seriously counseling" Mary to reconsider their holy union.

Then -- I swear to you -- it's Heather the Stenographer, in her new role as the Harry Winston Lady. That's how fake this is. So she shows him the exact same ring ("s") we just saw, and mentions again that the ring he has "chosen" has "diamonds all around," and -- even more improbably, really? -- she thinks, "It's the bomb!" OUCH. That physically injured me.

He fakely marvels, "This is the one right here. She's going to love this." Couldn't they find a guy that could, like, I don't know. READ?

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

The second I look to godawful woman-hating hate-baiting Nick Lachey for marriage advice is the second I marry someone with their vagina sewn shut by Disney who can't even read or eat unassisted. But then we remember where his hate of women -- which rivals Dr. Phil's -- came from and flows to, as Jessica offers her "take" -- "Moments of being selfless is [sic] awesome too. That moment where Nick really wants to watch that game, but he's going to go to the Barneys sale with me? That's pretty awesome." God. I don't know which I'd rather do, frankly: Watch sports in the same room with Nick, or go shopping with Jessica. The worst two people in the world in the worst relationship in the world, and they're giving me advice. This is hell. Hell is Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Back to Sex Contract Corey. Phil is meeting him at 7:30 AM, under the pretext that they are meeting for coffee or something. Phil tells Corey that his proposal was bullshit, while still somehow romantic, when it was really neither, because it wasn't a real proposal. He takes Corey to Harry Winston. Awesome. They both act like yokels.

He congratulates Corey on his choice of engagement ring -- you know, the one he just called crappy. Then he says that he wants Corey to pick a wedding ring out -- and they show a tray of identical rings -- which Phil shows his cards by describing ahead of time as "diamonds all around," which A) sounds utterly fucking gross, not to mention painful, and B) I've never seen The Bachelor but I heard they do this same thing: "Pick your ring from all these identical hideous rings! Whichever one you pick! Of these rings that are all the same! It's your lucky day!" and Corey's fakely all, "What?"

Dr. Phil is just taking out mortgages on my good will, all, "Don't worry about the cost, this is on me." Fake: "Are you serious?" And he should pick a wedding band for himself. Pretty risky business, considering Dr. Phil is "seriously counseling" Mary to reconsider their holy union.

Then -- I swear to you -- it's Heather the Stenographer, in her new role as the Harry Winston Lady. That's how fake this is. So she shows him the exact same ring ("s") we just saw, and mentions again that the ring he has "chosen" has "diamonds all around," and -- even more improbably, really? -- she thinks, "It's the bomb!" OUCH. That physically injured me.

He fakely marvels, "This is the one right here. She's going to love this." Couldn't they find a guy that could, like, I don't know. READ?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

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Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

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