MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"This isn't an interview, it's a date," he cyber-bitches. God, if I had Dr. Phil in my head I'd go all Houston and stab out my eyeball. "Flirt with the guy a little bit." She does? I guess she does. She jerks her head around like she's in Sparkle Motion. She just looks insane the whole time. Not sexy. Phil loves it. This whole thing is nasty. "Ask him if he wants to marry you! I'm just kidding with that one! Ha ha!" Very droll.

Phil leads her into dangerous pastures about how Phil's worried because the date's got training, because he's got sisters. Stay away from that shit. She doesn't, because Dr. Phil knows best. Because apparently Dr. Phil knows all there is to know about flirting with guys in pool halls? "I probably know more than I should know," the guy says cagily, because this only goes to weird ugly places. "Like what?" she asks. NOOOO! Date Guy recovers nicely, given the circumstance: "Like…watch out for the ones that can hustle me on a pool table?" Maybe the only okay answer. What the hell was he supposed to say? "What it feels like for a girl." Then she laughs with her mouth hanging open like a Sesame Street puppet, and Phil murmurs seductively to Date Guy, via her, "I'm gonna make you pay for that one." Jeez! You are dirty! "I'm going to make you pay for that comment," she robots out.

"After this shot, excuse yourself to go to the little girls' room," my italics, "You're going to…come back to me." This is the worst thing. This is like a science fiction novel about sick futuristic shit.

"You seemed plugged in! Like you were with your girlfriends!" No she didn't. In fact, she acted just like a pretty lady with low self-esteem and age anxiety provided by you and people just like you, with an overweight, overly pleased with himself, married father of grown children, who apparently gets off on cyberdating men with mullets, talking in her head. This is like a Tim Powers novel.

"What do you think about how he feels?" If she could answer this goddamn question or if it even occurred to her to ask this goddamn question, none of this would be happening. Duh.

Now they've taken the "bug" out of her ear, and put it in the ear (ew?) of a producer, who is going to ask the guy some questions. But she's dictating the questions, and they're even sadder than you think. This is so sick. This is like Boy Meets Boy, is how gross this is. Poor fucked Andra. She even looks like Andra.

"Did he find me interesting?" No, he found Dr. Phil interesting. Idiot.

"Sure I find [Spinstreuse] interesting. It sounds like she's pretty active." Um, what, for an ailing old wheelchair person? Hot. Phil gets weird and asks if he thought she was cute, on his own with no prompting. What the hell do you say to that anyway? "Sure."

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"This isn't an interview, it's a date," he cyber-bitches. God, if I had Dr. Phil in my head I'd go all Houston and stab out my eyeball. "Flirt with the guy a little bit." She does? I guess she does. She jerks her head around like she's in Sparkle Motion. She just looks insane the whole time. Not sexy. Phil loves it. This whole thing is nasty. "Ask him if he wants to marry you! I'm just kidding with that one! Ha ha!" Very droll.

Phil leads her into dangerous pastures about how Phil's worried because the date's got training, because he's got sisters. Stay away from that shit. She doesn't, because Dr. Phil knows best. Because apparently Dr. Phil knows all there is to know about flirting with guys in pool halls? "I probably know more than I should know," the guy says cagily, because this only goes to weird ugly places. "Like what?" she asks. NOOOO! Date Guy recovers nicely, given the circumstance: "Like…watch out for the ones that can hustle me on a pool table?" Maybe the only okay answer. What the hell was he supposed to say? "What it feels like for a girl." Then she laughs with her mouth hanging open like a Sesame Street puppet, and Phil murmurs seductively to Date Guy, via her, "I'm gonna make you pay for that one." Jeez! You are dirty! "I'm going to make you pay for that comment," she robots out.

"After this shot, excuse yourself to go to the little girls' room," my italics, "You're going to…come back to me." This is the worst thing. This is like a science fiction novel about sick futuristic shit.

"You seemed plugged in! Like you were with your girlfriends!" No she didn't. In fact, she acted just like a pretty lady with low self-esteem and age anxiety provided by you and people just like you, with an overweight, overly pleased with himself, married father of grown children, who apparently gets off on cyberdating men with mullets, talking in her head. This is like a Tim Powers novel.

"What do you think about how he feels?" If she could answer this goddamn question or if it even occurred to her to ask this goddamn question, none of this would be happening. Duh.

Now they've taken the "bug" out of her ear, and put it in the ear (ew?) of a producer, who is going to ask the guy some questions. But she's dictating the questions, and they're even sadder than you think. This is so sick. This is like Boy Meets Boy, is how gross this is. Poor fucked Andra. She even looks like Andra.

"Did he find me interesting?" No, he found Dr. Phil interesting. Idiot.

"Sure I find [Spinstreuse] interesting. It sounds like she's pretty active." Um, what, for an ailing old wheelchair person? Hot. Phil gets weird and asks if he thought she was cute, on his own with no prompting. What the hell do you say to that anyway? "Sure."

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

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