MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Now he's screaming through the TV at me and calling me a bitch! I'm totally not! Am I? "Nobody ever said love is easy!" he screams. "I can't get a date, I can't make my relationship work, all the good ones are taken!" he screams, pretending to speak for me. So not true! I took one of the good ones! I've still got one of the good ones! Why are you yelling at me? "Stop whining!" he yells. Sorry, you've got me there.

So meet Corey. He's kind of a bastard, in my opinion, but weirdly, that's not why we're here. Immediately we are asked to take his point of view: "He's panicked -- he wants her to sign a contact specifying how often, where, when…" Seriously, if that's his big fear about the marriage, then I think the concept of marriage is a little advanced for him. You can get the milk for free, idiot. And then, like it's an equal goddamn affront, "She -- on the other hand -- carries a list of all of his screw-ups," and of course it's getting "longer by the minute." "Will they get unengaged right here on national TV?" I hope so. And then I hope they go find a real therapist. Like one who doesn't think "unengaged" sounds like a regular word you should use.

"Imagine this; you're out there dating," Phil says again, asking us to resume this journey in Corey's moccasins, "and you finally meet the right one -- you buy the ring, pop the question, [blah blah] -- but then you're sleeping in a mattress on the basement floor!" Just imagine that! Imagine for a second that this is your life! I am, and I kind of hate myself, and my imaginary life. And I can't imagine how I got there, because I am not an assclown. I have some explaining to do to my imaginary self.

They've been dating for six years, and he's proposed, but they haven't set a date because of all the fighting. Which Dr. Phil shows us, and it's fake and it's about stupid shit. Actually, though, that's not why they haven't set a date. They haven't set a date because her one piece of spine is still alive and screaming NO. And because he's a smirky jackass that doesn't even know what love actually is. I'm not sure he's really aware of what sex actually is. He seems like the type of youngster who would steal your Playboy to look at boobies. "Now that the ring is on her finger, she's rethinking it." Why would she do that? The horror of her real self locked inside her mind still screaming incoherently like an episode of The Twilight Zone about zombie sex slaves?

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Now he's screaming through the TV at me and calling me a bitch! I'm totally not! Am I? "Nobody ever said love is easy!" he screams. "I can't get a date, I can't make my relationship work, all the good ones are taken!" he screams, pretending to speak for me. So not true! I took one of the good ones! I've still got one of the good ones! Why are you yelling at me? "Stop whining!" he yells. Sorry, you've got me there.

So meet Corey. He's kind of a bastard, in my opinion, but weirdly, that's not why we're here. Immediately we are asked to take his point of view: "He's panicked -- he wants her to sign a contact specifying how often, where, when…" Seriously, if that's his big fear about the marriage, then I think the concept of marriage is a little advanced for him. You can get the milk for free, idiot. And then, like it's an equal goddamn affront, "She -- on the other hand -- carries a list of all of his screw-ups," and of course it's getting "longer by the minute." "Will they get unengaged right here on national TV?" I hope so. And then I hope they go find a real therapist. Like one who doesn't think "unengaged" sounds like a regular word you should use.

"Imagine this; you're out there dating," Phil says again, asking us to resume this journey in Corey's moccasins, "and you finally meet the right one -- you buy the ring, pop the question, [blah blah] -- but then you're sleeping in a mattress on the basement floor!" Just imagine that! Imagine for a second that this is your life! I am, and I kind of hate myself, and my imaginary life. And I can't imagine how I got there, because I am not an assclown. I have some explaining to do to my imaginary self.

They've been dating for six years, and he's proposed, but they haven't set a date because of all the fighting. Which Dr. Phil shows us, and it's fake and it's about stupid shit. Actually, though, that's not why they haven't set a date. They haven't set a date because her one piece of spine is still alive and screaming NO. And because he's a smirky jackass that doesn't even know what love actually is. I'm not sure he's really aware of what sex actually is. He seems like the type of youngster who would steal your Playboy to look at boobies. "Now that the ring is on her finger, she's rethinking it." Why would she do that? The horror of her real self locked inside her mind still screaming incoherently like an episode of The Twilight Zone about zombie sex slaves?

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