MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"Ask about the body language," she mumbles. She seemed: "Inviting and open."

Dude would like to "talk with her a little bit more before I would want to date her." How long, I wonder, did the whole earwig thing happen? I'm taking bets. I imagine about thirty minutes. She signs in her own blood and sells it forever as she asks Dr. Phil to go on all her dates with her. Ugh. Then he sticks them both in a limo and sends them to dinner. She is in hell. I am in hell. "Miss Independent" plays again. AGAIN!

As though her opinions matter at all, or ever will again, she explains very honestly that she thought he had "a lot of guts, to be on TV." If there's anything that reality TV has taught us, it's that it takes real bravery and strength of spirit to go on TV for a date. He laughs uncomfortably when she explains about the thing in her ear. This is because he just figured out that he's dating Dr. Phil.

Commercials again: Chicken Selects, again. Aquafresh because your breath should be fresh when you finally "catch a man." Levitra because your penis should be erect when you "catch a lady." Goldfish crackers because they're delicious. Anti-cholesterol medication because you're a hundred and eight. Revlon lipstick because you're still old and ugly. Excedrin because your kids are assholes. Some shows I don't watch because it's CBS and I only like Big Brother and Joan Of Arcadia. And in case you forgot, special low-carb sponsor Russell Stover would like you to remember that you deserve love. Fat-ass.

Phil is okay at acting like anybody cares, but the lines and the laughing are still just as fake. "This is it! We're coming to Corey's big moment!" Will Mary get her shit together or will her self-hatred win out? They talk some more utter lying bullshit about how hard Corey's worked on all of this stuff he had nothing to do with. Dude, not even the Queer Eye guys pretend the guy can do anything on his own. And the guys they deal with are literate.

Mary simply wants Corey to be "romantic." Phil wants to talk to Corey about something "really important." They check out the contract -- Stenographic Pneumatic Heather's back now, reading it back to him in the most ironic metaphor since Jack drew a picture of Rose having his own personality and she started being all devil-may-care.

"He seeks to require fiancée Mary to commit now and forever more to perform sexual favors at his beck and call, as defined below."

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

Comments

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"Ask about the body language," she mumbles. She seemed: "Inviting and open."

Dude would like to "talk with her a little bit more before I would want to date her." How long, I wonder, did the whole earwig thing happen? I'm taking bets. I imagine about thirty minutes. She signs in her own blood and sells it forever as she asks Dr. Phil to go on all her dates with her. Ugh. Then he sticks them both in a limo and sends them to dinner. She is in hell. I am in hell. "Miss Independent" plays again. AGAIN!

As though her opinions matter at all, or ever will again, she explains very honestly that she thought he had "a lot of guts, to be on TV." If there's anything that reality TV has taught us, it's that it takes real bravery and strength of spirit to go on TV for a date. He laughs uncomfortably when she explains about the thing in her ear. This is because he just figured out that he's dating Dr. Phil.

Commercials again: Chicken Selects, again. Aquafresh because your breath should be fresh when you finally "catch a man." Levitra because your penis should be erect when you "catch a lady." Goldfish crackers because they're delicious. Anti-cholesterol medication because you're a hundred and eight. Revlon lipstick because you're still old and ugly. Excedrin because your kids are assholes. Some shows I don't watch because it's CBS and I only like Big Brother and Joan Of Arcadia. And in case you forgot, special low-carb sponsor Russell Stover would like you to remember that you deserve love. Fat-ass.

Phil is okay at acting like anybody cares, but the lines and the laughing are still just as fake. "This is it! We're coming to Corey's big moment!" Will Mary get her shit together or will her self-hatred win out? They talk some more utter lying bullshit about how hard Corey's worked on all of this stuff he had nothing to do with. Dude, not even the Queer Eye guys pretend the guy can do anything on his own. And the guys they deal with are literate.

Mary simply wants Corey to be "romantic." Phil wants to talk to Corey about something "really important." They check out the contract -- Stenographic Pneumatic Heather's back now, reading it back to him in the most ironic metaphor since Jack drew a picture of Rose having his own personality and she started being all devil-may-care.

"He seeks to require fiancée Mary to commit now and forever more to perform sexual favors at his beck and call, as defined below."

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP