MONDO EXTRAS

Let's Wrinkle!

by admin May 19, 2004
A Wrinkle in Time

They eventually run into Alfre, who yells and is weird and freaky, but kind of boring at the same time. It gets windy again. They all hold hands on the star-watching rock. "Hold onto who you are, first and alone," which I don't remember from the book, but I like that phrase even though freakshow Whatsit is saying it. The camera starts getting blurry and stupid; Mrs. Whatsit turns into a five-foot-tall fish with creepy cartoon eyes, made of light. The blurring continues. They all yell various inconsequential things as the music goes all Harry Potter again with the flutes and the...oh Christ it's awful. This part goes on for a long time and you can't really tell what's going on. There's a wave of light as Whatsit shrieks "Now" and they all yell things like "Hold on!" and "Don't let go!" and "Help!" and "AHH!" but since nobody's moving or anything really is happening and it's all going on at a snail's pace, it's not that exciting.

Then there are three suns in the sky, there's more stupid pointless slo-mo -- this movie would already be about fifteen minutes shorter if it weren't for that -- and these strange translucent circles of plastic are flying all around. In the slo-mo you can see them putting up their hands to deflect them and Whatsit is like, "It's just a flowerstorm!" which is about the twee-est weather can get, you know? What the hell? And so, but she's like, "Quick, under the trees!" for some reason. All of the dialogue in this part is still in voice-over because it is moving so dreadfully slow. This is where I start to get mad, because the stuff before this with Kitty and her angst and the updated cultural references and everything was interesting, but this is merely slow. And silly. In kid movies the weird witchy ones are always yelling at the kids to do things quickly and rarely is there a point.

Under the trees they go, but not quickly, due to the stupid slo-mo, and then those Harry Potter glasses show up again, and Alison Elliott appears and quotes The Tempest in a silly shaky voice. She looks slightly retarded. This is Mrs. Who. ("Who?" Quit it. "What?") She and Whatsit kiss and hug and act insane. She's wearing a diaper on her head. The idea of bringing Calvin along was actually hers, I think, but then immediately she hits with some more of that quoting bullshit in the weird voice, taking another cool thing from the book and making it suck.

Alfre tells Kitty that she burns brightly, and that she is "angry as well as afraid, and that is good." Which I question, but it's a better line than most of this. Whatsit opens a "fire-fruit" (so whimsical and wacky!) and pours its napalm down on the fire. Calvin begs for clarification, because they're on this totally different planet now and it is very green and has fire-fruits and flower-storms and all that weird dumb stuff. Calvin starts talking about hyperspace and spaceships and warp speed, and it's stupid. Whatsit does him one better: "The ultimate starship is here," she mumbles, and points at her forehead. The ultimate starship is Alfre Woodard's forehead. Kitty's like, "I thought I was dying just then," but Alfre explains that was just the tesseract. "Tesseract?" asks Kitty. Whatsit explains that parts of the universe are connected in ways that humans don't know about, and the tesseract is a gateway to those connections. "Gateway?" asks Kitty. It's like a wrinkle, explains Mrs. Whatsit, and does the classic thing where the bug would have to walk from A to B, but by wrinkling the fabric of the universe, it can just sit there thinking bug thoughts and quoting Goethe while B comes to it. It's a wrinkle. In time! "Wrinkle?" asks Kitty.

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Let's Wrinkle!

by admin May 19, 2004
A Wrinkle in Time They eventually run into Alfre, who yells and is weird and freaky, but kind of boring at the same time. It gets windy again. They all hold hands on the star-watching rock. "Hold onto who you are, first and alone," which I don't remember from the book, but I like that phrase even though freakshow Whatsit is saying it. The camera starts getting blurry and stupid; Mrs. Whatsit turns into a five-foot-tall fish with creepy cartoon eyes, made of light. The blurring continues. They all yell various inconsequential things as the music goes all Harry Potter again with the flutes and the...oh Christ it's awful. This part goes on for a long time and you can't really tell what's going on. There's a wave of light as Whatsit shrieks "Now" and they all yell things like "Hold on!" and "Don't let go!" and "Help!" and "AHH!" but since nobody's moving or anything really is happening and it's all going on at a snail's pace, it's not that exciting. Then there are three suns in the sky, there's more stupid pointless slo-mo -- this movie would already be about fifteen minutes shorter if it weren't for that -- and these strange translucent circles of plastic are flying all around. In the slo-mo you can see them putting up their hands to deflect them and Whatsit is like, "It's just a flowerstorm!" which is about the twee-est weather can get, you know? What the hell? And so, but she's like, "Quick, under the trees!" for some reason. All of the dialogue in this part is still in voice-over because it is moving so dreadfully slow. This is where I start to get mad, because the stuff before this with Kitty and her angst and the updated cultural references and everything was interesting, but this is merely slow. And silly. In kid movies the weird witchy ones are always yelling at the kids to do things quickly and rarely is there a point. Under the trees they go, but not quickly, due to the stupid slo-mo, and then those Harry Potter glasses show up again, and Alison Elliott appears and quotes The Tempest in a silly shaky voice. She looks slightly retarded. This is Mrs. Who. ("Who?" Quit it. "What?") She and Whatsit kiss and hug and act insane. She's wearing a diaper on her head. The idea of bringing Calvin along was actually hers, I think, but then immediately she hits with some more of that quoting bullshit in the weird voice, taking another cool thing from the book and making it suck. Alfre tells Kitty that she burns brightly, and that she is "angry as well as afraid, and that is good." Which I question, but it's a better line than most of this. Whatsit opens a "fire-fruit" (so whimsical and wacky!) and pours its napalm down on the fire. Calvin begs for clarification, because they're on this totally different planet now and it is very green and has fire-fruits and flower-storms and all that weird dumb stuff. Calvin starts talking about hyperspace and spaceships and warp speed, and it's stupid. Whatsit does him one better: "The ultimate starship is here," she mumbles, and points at her forehead. The ultimate starship is Alfre Woodard's forehead. Kitty's like, "I thought I was dying just then," but Alfre explains that was just the tesseract. "Tesseract?" asks Kitty. Whatsit explains that parts of the universe are connected in ways that humans don't know about, and the tesseract is a gateway to those connections. "Gateway?" asks Kitty. It's like a wrinkle, explains Mrs. Whatsit, and does the classic thing where the bug would have to walk from A to B, but by wrinkling the fabric of the universe, it can just sit there thinking bug thoughts and quoting Goethe while B comes to it. It's a wrinkle. In time! "Wrinkle?" asks Kitty.

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