MONDO EXTRAS

10:57: And Oscar figures out a way to give Oprah Winfrey an award without actually letting her speak at the live telecast. Way to try and boost the ratings without wasting any more screentime! (Sadly for her, the number of people in the Kodak Theater outnumber OWN's nightly, or perhaps even weekly, viewership.)

11:00: Proving that nothing moves faster than the speed of the Internet, here are Twitter feeds for Angelina Jolie's Right Leg and J. Lo's Nipple.

11:03: And that somber music means that we've reached the "Death Montage" portion of the show. Expect to hear lots of "Wait a minute, what about...?" and "Oh right, he/she died" for the next few minutes.

11:07: Really Oscars? Your last clip in the Death Montage is from Cleopatra? One of the biggest flops of all time? We guess it did almost kill a studio and Elizabeth Taylor's career, so it's kind of appropriate. Doesn't really fit with the whole "movies are awesome" theme of the night, though.

11:12: Whoa, the Academy remembered that Patton Oswalt exists! Sure he's been relegated to these strange "Why Movies are Great" videos, but any Patton is good Patton in our book.

11:13: "Welcome back," says walking corpse Billy Crystal. He's looking as tired as we all feel. You aren't 42 anymore Billy! Heck, you aren't even 62 anymore.

11:15: Who can we pay to have Natalie Portman say nice things about us? We wouldn't need a morning cup of coffee with that kind of pick me up.

11:16: Weird to be showing the one big scene featuring sound from The Artist as Jean Dujardin's Oscar clip. It's not like he even speaks in it or anything.

11:18: This kind of personalized address to each nominee is sweet and all, but it does make this thing drag on loooong. You can see all the nominees sitting there thinking, "Thanks Nat -- get to the award already, please."

11:19: And Jean Dujardin beats out the Cloonster for the win! No Robert Benigni antics here. Just a charming speech, a mega-watt smile and a little soft shoe. We've got no complaints. And we're happy that ABC didn't bleep out his F-bomb, either. You know: formidable!

11:24: Time for Colin Firth to whisper some sweet nothings to the Best Actress nominees. And again we ask, who can we pay to get Firth to give us that kind of personalized "You're awesome" speech every day?