Get ready to applaud for Cate Blanchett, 12 Years a Slave and... uh, Jared Leto as the Oscars begin in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
8:30: Complaining about the rain, romanticizing the past and making "hard of hearing" jokes. Yup, Ellen is the perfect host for the Academy's primary demo of really, really old people.
8:31: "Who's the wine captain now?" = Ellen's "Oprah/Uma" moment.
8:32: This crowd looks so ready to laugh and Ellen just ain't willing to help out.
8:34: Julia Roberts, at least, is having a good time. Must still be nursing those wine bottles she stole from the August: Osage County set.
8:35: Long walk to go for yet another joke about The Trip Seen 'Round the World.
8:36: Good idea to stay with J-Law this long. She is the most famous person in that whole room.
8:37: Sorry Ellen… Jared Leto is not the prettiest. Maybe if this were still 1992.
8:39: She's talking about penises, people.
8:40: "Possibility #2: You're all racists." Okay… that's a good one. Saving the best for last there, Ellen.
8:41: Prediction: Anne Hathaway's shiny dress will blind the Best Supporting Actor winner, thus causing them to trip J-Law style and ensuring next year's host will have something to talk about.
8:42: Jonah Hill deserves the award for Best Clip for a Best Supporting Actor nominee.
8:43: But Jared Leto takes the actual award. Congrats everyone -- you're all batting a 100% on your Oscar ballots so far.
8:44: Leto follows up his moving speech to his mom with a plug for 30 Seconds to Mars. Just because he took six years off from acting doesn't mean he forgot how to play the game.
8:47: Jim Carrey isn't here to present anything. He just wants the world to know that he knows Bruce Dern. And can do an impression of him.
8:48: Actually, he's here to kick of the evening's Heroes theme. Because he was in Kick-Ass 2 -- a film about superheroes. Foul-mouthed, ultraviolet superheroes.
8:49: So only American cartoons feature heroes? Thanks for nothing, Miyazaki!
8:50: The "phenomenally cool" Pharrell does his best to make performing a song from a kids' movie at the Oscars look cool.
8:51: Amy Adams, busting out some of those Muppet moves, because the Oscars are nothing if not a Me Party.