MONDO EXTRAS

Vexingest Man Alive

by Daniel January 25, 2003
America's Prince: The John F. Kennedy Jr. Story

Later, John's sitting on the curb, when up walks Carolyn, and John makes a big show of getting up and walking away from her again, like he was waiting there for her just so he could get up and walk away. And as she tearfully attempts to reconcile, he's doing that obnoxious technique of refusing to look at the person addressing him. He finally does, and he points out that he's been humiliated and wonders how she thought he could handle her telling him people were right when they said he'd never succeed. She insists that they're not right and asks what kind of wife she'd be if she were only there for the good parts: "Bottom line is, I just can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with you, so you're stuck with me, mister, whether you like it or not." And they hug, and everything's all better.

Later, John and Carolyn watch the news, which has broadcast someone's video recording of the incident, along with a poll asking if it would hurt John's image, and it's sad that people have lives empty enough that they participate in such polls, but at least the majority of people didn't seem to think it would hurt his image.

Speaking of empty lives, here's Brunette and Sister Carrot Top blathering on about how they were sure John and Carolyn had broken up, and they were so surprised when they found out they'd gotten married, since it never occurs to idiots like these that they don't actually know the celebrities. George Editor says that, for once, John outsmarted the tabloids. Kennedy Friend says that took the skill of "James Bond and the entire CIA," when everybody knows that James Bond works for MI6, so if this arsehole would like to stop with his imperious pronouncements regarding the Kennedys, I'd appreciate it.

The honeymooning couple lounge around in bathrobes and hold forth about being married and breaking the hearts of all the women in America and other such narcissistic topics. And also, they cuddle. And Carolyn says that before they know it, people are going to be wondering who John III is going to marry. "Let's not saddle him with that," says John, suggesting they saddle him with the name "Flynn" instead, which Carolyn loves. Flynn Kennedy? Poor kid.

Members of the swarm of reporters ask John what marriage is like, and ask Carolyn what it's like being a Kennedy. Yes, we know. The press is everywhere. We get it. They're insatiable. We know. They beg John for some comment on the marriage, and he says that only one other person has a wedding dress like Carolyn, and that's Dennis Rodman, and I can't imagine a bride not totally taking his head off for such a comment. Brunette says Carolyn could have been another Jackie. "Oh, please," says Sister Carrot Top, who is really starting to come off as psychotic, as she mocks Carolyn for hyphenating her name instead of just taking the most famous name in the world, and sneers at her for complaining about photographers. "We should all have such high-class problems," she says, confident in the knowledge that she's not likely to be stalked by photographers any time soon.

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Vexingest Man Alive

by Daniel January 25, 2003
America's Prince: The John F. Kennedy Jr. Story

Later, John's sitting on the curb, when up walks Carolyn, and John makes a big show of getting up and walking away from her again, like he was waiting there for her just so he could get up and walk away. And as she tearfully attempts to reconcile, he's doing that obnoxious technique of refusing to look at the person addressing him. He finally does, and he points out that he's been humiliated and wonders how she thought he could handle her telling him people were right when they said he'd never succeed. She insists that they're not right and asks what kind of wife she'd be if she were only there for the good parts: "Bottom line is, I just can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with you, so you're stuck with me, mister, whether you like it or not." And they hug, and everything's all better.

Later, John and Carolyn watch the news, which has broadcast someone's video recording of the incident, along with a poll asking if it would hurt John's image, and it's sad that people have lives empty enough that they participate in such polls, but at least the majority of people didn't seem to think it would hurt his image.

Speaking of empty lives, here's Brunette and Sister Carrot Top blathering on about how they were sure John and Carolyn had broken up, and they were so surprised when they found out they'd gotten married, since it never occurs to idiots like these that they don't actually know the celebrities. George Editor says that, for once, John outsmarted the tabloids. Kennedy Friend says that took the skill of "James Bond and the entire CIA," when everybody knows that James Bond works for MI6, so if this arsehole would like to stop with his imperious pronouncements regarding the Kennedys, I'd appreciate it.

The honeymooning couple lounge around in bathrobes and hold forth about being married and breaking the hearts of all the women in America and other such narcissistic topics. And also, they cuddle. And Carolyn says that before they know it, people are going to be wondering who John III is going to marry. "Let's not saddle him with that," says John, suggesting they saddle him with the name "Flynn" instead, which Carolyn loves. Flynn Kennedy? Poor kid.

Members of the swarm of reporters ask John what marriage is like, and ask Carolyn what it's like being a Kennedy. Yes, we know. The press is everywhere. We get it. They're insatiable. We know. They beg John for some comment on the marriage, and he says that only one other person has a wedding dress like Carolyn, and that's Dennis Rodman, and I can't imagine a bride not totally taking his head off for such a comment. Brunette says Carolyn could have been another Jackie. "Oh, please," says Sister Carrot Top, who is really starting to come off as psychotic, as she mocks Carolyn for hyphenating her name instead of just taking the most famous name in the world, and sneers at her for complaining about photographers. "We should all have such high-class problems," she says, confident in the knowledge that she's not likely to be stalked by photographers any time soon.

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