MONDO EXTRAS

Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Three’s Company

Inside the dressing room, a miserable Suzanne stares into the mirror, able to see over her shoulder some kind of promotional poster from happier times. Happier times that involved very ugly block print and other marks of primitive graphic design, I would add. She weeps. When she exits, the escort takes her out past, among other things, a set of three pictures of the cast members on the wall, where someone has drawn a mustache and horns on her with a marker. Oh, how I remember the day I saw a similar picture of myself at TWoP Towers -- not a happy experience. And I never did find the culprit, although I do have suspects. At any rate, what's really unfortunate is that the henchman leads her (apparently on the command of Ted) past a line of giggly actresses. She grabs the script page one of them is holding. "Who's Cindy Snow?" she snaps. "I'm sorry, Ms. Somers," one of the girls says, trying for sympathy and coming across as a miserable suck-up. Which means she'll do just fine in Hollywood. Crestfallen (hey, her crest is probably surgically enhanced anyway, so she can always have it lifted again), Suzanne stomps out.

Suzanne drives home. Suzanne is sad. Suzanne knows she is screwed. When she gets home, she bursts through the door, literally screaming. "Aaaahhhh! Alan!" she shrieks. He tries to calm her down, but she insists that she can't take it anymore. The media hates her. Everyone hates her. Evil Alan insists that her fans still love her, and that Alan and Suzanne just have to find a way to turn the negative publicity positive. "Hoooow?" she moans.

Cut to Evil Alan and Suzanne in the hallway of the offices of the Phil Donahue show, on January 18, 1981. Evil Alan tells Suzanne just to tell Phil the truth. Suzanne's conservative dark skirt and periwinkle blouse agree to do what they can to upend her tarty image.

In the lounge car, John is eating pizza and watching Suzanne on Donahue. "How does it feel, Suzanne?" Phil asks her. She says that the fight won't go away if she keeps her mouth shut. She says that she never wanted out of the show, despite the fact that she thinks she couldn't be blamed if she did. Joyce, at home, watches Suzanne point out to Phil that she has a CBS deal when Three's Company is over anyway. Joyce huffs a breath in amazement when Suzanne insists that she has always wanted to stay with the show. Evil Alan, who is on stage with her, insists that if Suzanne were a man instead of a woman, the entire situation would be different. Well, a man probably wouldn't come with a domineering asshole husband, there, Evil Alan, but I see your point. Suzanne goes on to tell Donahue the humiliating story of Setberia, and not being allowed to see anyone, and not being allowed to participate in the show.

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Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Three’s Company Inside the dressing room, a miserable Suzanne stares into the mirror, able to see over her shoulder some kind of promotional poster from happier times. Happier times that involved very ugly block print and other marks of primitive graphic design, I would add. She weeps. When she exits, the escort takes her out past, among other things, a set of three pictures of the cast members on the wall, where someone has drawn a mustache and horns on her with a marker. Oh, how I remember the day I saw a similar picture of myself at TWoP Towers -- not a happy experience. And I never did find the culprit, although I do have suspects. At any rate, what's really unfortunate is that the henchman leads her (apparently on the command of Ted) past a line of giggly actresses. She grabs the script page one of them is holding. "Who's Cindy Snow?" she snaps. "I'm sorry, Ms. Somers," one of the girls says, trying for sympathy and coming across as a miserable suck-up. Which means she'll do just fine in Hollywood. Crestfallen (hey, her crest is probably surgically enhanced anyway, so she can always have it lifted again), Suzanne stomps out. Suzanne drives home. Suzanne is sad. Suzanne knows she is screwed. When she gets home, she bursts through the door, literally screaming. "Aaaahhhh! Alan!" she shrieks. He tries to calm her down, but she insists that she can't take it anymore. The media hates her. Everyone hates her. Evil Alan insists that her fans still love her, and that Alan and Suzanne just have to find a way to turn the negative publicity positive. "Hoooow?" she moans. Cut to Evil Alan and Suzanne in the hallway of the offices of the Phil Donahue show, on January 18, 1981. Evil Alan tells Suzanne just to tell Phil the truth. Suzanne's conservative dark skirt and periwinkle blouse agree to do what they can to upend her tarty image. In the lounge car, John is eating pizza and watching Suzanne on Donahue. "How does it feel, Suzanne?" Phil asks her. She says that the fight won't go away if she keeps her mouth shut. She says that she never wanted out of the show, despite the fact that she thinks she couldn't be blamed if she did. Joyce, at home, watches Suzanne point out to Phil that she has a CBS deal when Three's Company is over anyway. Joyce huffs a breath in amazement when Suzanne insists that she has always wanted to stay with the show. Evil Alan, who is on stage with her, insists that if Suzanne were a man instead of a woman, the entire situation would be different. Well, a man probably wouldn't come with a domineering asshole husband, there, Evil Alan, but I see your point. Suzanne goes on to tell Donahue the humiliating story of Setberia, and not being allowed to see anyone, and not being allowed to participate in the show.

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