MONDO EXTRAS

Blonde: The Non-Blonde Years

by Wendola May 17, 2001
Blonde, Part 1

Then there's a commercial for Prozac. No, really.

Norma Jean goes to a foster home. Years pass. Teenage Norma Jean comes into the kitchen wearing a skimpy undershirt and shorts and carrying a laundry basket. Foster Dad sits at the breakfast table and stares at her tits. Foster Mom comes in and notices. Foster Mom is Kirstie Alley. Poor Norma Jean, getting raised by all these sitcom stars! She probably has nightmares where Foster Mom and Nutty Mom whisper in her ear: "You think you play a good Marilyn Monroe, little dearie? The last actress to play a decent Marilyn Monroe is now the mom on Seventh Heaven! Muah ha ha ha ha!!!"

Anyway, Foster Mom sits Norma Jean down at the breakfast table so Foster Dad won't keep staring at her ass, glares at Foster Dad, and asks her if she's got her play memorized. Norma Jean says she's nervous. Foster Mom asks if she needs an aspirin. "No, I'll be fine," says Norma Jean. Foster Dad stares at her tits some more. You get the idea.

Norma Jean goes to high school, where she's a total geek. She recites lines from Romeo and Juliet all by herself in the bathroom and then tells the mirror, "Thank you, magic friend." Then everyone snickers at her during the play auditions. She goes crying to her English teacher and confesses that she always wanted to be a poet. Her English teacher really likes her couplets, if you know what I mean. Random Teen In Trouble Moments: her English teacher gives her a ride home, and she tells all sorts of pathetic lies about how her mom was an "understudy" at the movie studio for Gloria Swanson and other famous actresses. She lets him kiss her, but only with his mouth closed. Foster Mom watches from the window. Later, Norma Jean lets some boyfriend walk her home and kiss her, but only with his mouth closed, while Foster Dad watches from the window. Foster Mom watches Foster Dad watching Norma Jean from the window from the bed. I mean, from the bed, Foster Mom watches Foster Dad watching.

Now Foster Mom speaks from The Narrative Beyond, where she is blonder. I guess everyone is blonder there; I guess that's the point. "Norma Jean wasn't the one to blame for this. My husband Warren was the one to blame. And even he was half innocent, the poor bastard. Maybe even helpless." Kirstie Alley looks way better in retro forties mode. She should do a sitcom called Veronica And Her Crazy Big-Band Orchestra. "You have to face it, it’s a man's world, and to survive, a woman must betray her own kind," she says. "A woman has to protect herself against a girl like Norma Jean."

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Blonde: The Non-Blonde Years

by Wendola May 17, 2001
Blonde, Part 1 Norma Jean goes to high school, where she's a total geek. She recites lines from Romeo and Juliet all by herself in the bathroom and then tells the mirror, "Thank you, magic friend." Then everyone snickers at her during the play auditions. She goes crying to her English teacher and confesses that she always wanted to be a poet. Her English teacher really likes her couplets, if you know what I mean. Random Teen In Trouble Moments: her English teacher gives her a ride home, and she tells all sorts of pathetic lies about how her mom was an "understudy" at the movie studio for Gloria Swanson and other famous actresses. She lets him kiss her, but only with his mouth closed. Foster Mom watches from the window. Later, Norma Jean lets some boyfriend walk her home and kiss her, but only with his mouth closed, while Foster Dad watches from the window. Foster Mom watches Foster Dad watching Norma Jean from the window from the bed. I mean, from the bed, Foster Mom watches Foster Dad watching. Now Foster Mom speaks from The Narrative Beyond, where she is blonder. I guess everyone is blonder there; I guess that's the point. "Norma Jean wasn't the one to blame for this. My husband Warren was the one to blame. And even he was half innocent, the poor bastard. Maybe even helpless." Kirstie Alley looks way better in retro forties mode. She should do a sitcom called Veronica And Her Crazy Big-Band Orchestra. "You have to face it, it’s a man's world, and to survive, a woman must betray her own kind," she says. "A woman has to protect herself against a girl like Norma Jean." Foster Mom tells Norma Jean it's time she got married, now that she's, uh, sixteen and all. "But…I don't have a steady boyfriend," says Norma Jean. Foster Mom says that people have been talking about Norma Jean and her English teacher, and that with the war on she ought to find a husband while the guys are still around and in one piece, and Foster Mom's sister is coming to live with them so Norma Jean can't stay there any more, and would she get the damn hint already? So Foster Mom takes her to meet some guy named "Bucky." "This is for your own good," Foster Mom explains. Bucky and Norma Jean meet. You know it's doomed because 1) he's a total mama's boy and 2) his name is "Bucky." It’s love at first sight between Bucky and Norma Jean. But this might be just because the movie needs to get to the damn Hollywood years already and can't waste any more time on the first stinking marriage. At the wedding, Norma Jean tells Foster Mom she's nervous about her wedding night. Foster Mom says not to worry. Then Kirstie Alley does that thing she always does with her eyes when they suddenly glitter like a reptile, and she says, "I wish I could have gotten rid of Warren and kept you." Then she up and gives Norma Jean a big kiss on the lips. Norma Jean blinks in confusion, and Foster Mom slinks off all freaked out. Huh? Oh yeah, it's a Joyce Carol Oates book. People are always randomly kissing each other. Either that, or cooking human hearts in the oven.

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