MONDO EXTRAS

Blonde: The Non-Blonde Years

by Wendola May 17, 2001
Blonde, Part 1

Foster Mom tells Norma Jean it's time she got married, now that she's, uh, sixteen and all. "But…I don't have a steady boyfriend," says Norma Jean. Foster Mom says that people have been talking about Norma Jean and her English teacher, and that with the war on she ought to find a husband while the guys are still around and in one piece, and Foster Mom's sister is coming to live with them so Norma Jean can't stay there any more, and would she get the damn hint already?

So Foster Mom takes her to meet some guy named "Bucky." "This is for your own good," Foster Mom explains. Bucky and Norma Jean meet. You know it's doomed because 1) he's a total mama's boy and 2) his name is "Bucky." It’s love at first sight between Bucky and Norma Jean. But this might be just because the movie needs to get to the damn Hollywood years already and can't waste any more time on the first stinking marriage. At the wedding, Norma Jean tells Foster Mom she's nervous about her wedding night. Foster Mom says not to worry. Then Kirstie Alley does that thing she always does with her eyes when they suddenly glitter like a reptile, and she says, "I wish I could have gotten rid of Warren and kept you." Then she up and gives Norma Jean a big kiss on the lips. Norma Jean blinks in confusion, and Foster Mom slinks off all freaked out. Huh? Oh yeah, it's a Joyce Carol Oates book. People are always randomly kissing each other. Either that, or cooking human hearts in the oven.

Oh, and then Kirstie Alley shows up in that Pier 1 commercial where she comes through that poor woman's kitchen window and makes her go party shopping at Pier 1, and then she probably kisses her right on the lips, too.

Okay, the main character's not even blonde yet, so I have to start skimming here on the Wacky First Marriage Hijinks: Norma Jean borrows a neighbor's baby and tells strangers it's her own. She calls her husband "Daddy" and waits on him hand and foot. She makes a baby tiger toy for the borrowed baby and decides that a baby would make her the happiest person in the world. She leaves sexy notes to her husband in his lunchbox. More baby obsession. More daddy-husband worship. Bucky decides to take trashy pin-up style photos of Norma Jean so he can show them to his buddies at the factory. Norma Jean freaks out about the wig and makeup. "I don’t like looking like this…it makes me not know who I am!" Also, she doesn't feel well and has cramps. Bucky thinks she should lighten up and take an aspirin. Notice how everyone is always telling her to take an aspirin? That's, like, a literary theme.

The guys at the factory are impressed with the glamour shots of Norma Jean. Bucky is all smug. The neighbors with the baby move away without saying goodbye. Okay, who's been keeping track? I think we're at Abandonment Number Four or Five now. Norma Jean has nightmares about the baby. Bucky decides to join the Merchant Marines. Yo, there's Number Six for you. The night before he leaves, Norma Jean freaks out and blubbers about wanting a baby, but Bucky shoves her away and calls her "a sad, sick cow," so she goes into the kitchen and cuts her wrist with a knife. Issues, issues. But we knew that.

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Blonde: The Non-Blonde Years

by Wendola May 17, 2001
Blonde, Part 1 Oh, and then Kirstie Alley shows up in that Pier 1 commercial where she comes through that poor woman's kitchen window and makes her go party shopping at Pier 1, and then she probably kisses her right on the lips, too. Okay, the main character's not even blonde yet, so I have to start skimming here on the Wacky First Marriage Hijinks: Norma Jean borrows a neighbor's baby and tells strangers it's her own. She calls her husband "Daddy" and waits on him hand and foot. She makes a baby tiger toy for the borrowed baby and decides that a baby would make her the happiest person in the world. She leaves sexy notes to her husband in his lunchbox. More baby obsession. More daddy-husband worship. Bucky decides to take trashy pin-up style photos of Norma Jean so he can show them to his buddies at the factory. Norma Jean freaks out about the wig and makeup. "I don’t like looking like this…it makes me not know who I am!" Also, she doesn't feel well and has cramps. Bucky thinks she should lighten up and take an aspirin. Notice how everyone is always telling her to take an aspirin? That's, like, a literary theme. The guys at the factory are impressed with the glamour shots of Norma Jean. Bucky is all smug. The neighbors with the baby move away without saying goodbye. Okay, who's been keeping track? I think we're at Abandonment Number Four or Five now. Norma Jean has nightmares about the baby. Bucky decides to join the Merchant Marines. Yo, there's Number Six for you. The night before he leaves, Norma Jean freaks out and blubbers about wanting a baby, but Bucky shoves her away and calls her "a sad, sick cow," so she goes into the kitchen and cuts her wrist with a knife. Issues, issues. But we knew that. From The Narrative Beyond, Norma Jean tells us that soon she turned eighteen and was no longer a ward of the county. "For the first time in my life, I was free. Not an orphan or a foster child, not a daughter or a daughter-in-law, not a wife -- because of the war I was free…my life would now begin." Jeez, about time. So then Norma Jean does the whole Rosie The Riveter thing, though in her case it's Rosie The Airplane Painter And Inhaler Of Noxious Fumes Which Make Her Giggle. Eric Bogosian comes to the plant and takes her picture for Stars and Stripes. "Can't you use someone else?" asks Norma Jean. "Not since I found you," says Eric Bogosian. Sorry, I know I'm supposed to call him "Otto" or "the photographer," but he's totally just Eric Bogosian. He makes her stand against an airplane with her jumpsuit provocatively open. She gets the idea and starts smiling like a beauty queen. Then he takes a bunch of cheesecake pictures and she pouts and sticks out her ass a lot. Also, dialogue. But mostly ass.

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