As verité clips of different brides heading down the aisle flash across the screen, some horrid voice actor booms, "Heeere comes the bride! Heeere comes trouble. Meet the brides about to wring all the romance out of their weddings." He means by acting like divas, or bitches, or as FOX has so quaintly put it, morphing into Bridezillas. And with the advent of the television special Bridezillas, the era of bad reality programming hammers yet another nail into the rickety coffin of feminism. Haven't we come a long way, baby, only to be made a mockery of on national TV by participating in another ritual of society, as we work for less wages and our right to a safe and legal abortion teeters on the chasm? And as our nation threatens to start war any moment now, and more and more people get laid off each day, simply watch these trifling bitches and marvel at their bad behavior. How DARE they! The NERVE! I'm OUTRAGED! They are what's wrong with America. These cranky, petulant, faintly demanding, self-centered women in white. If only they would shut up and get back in the kitchen and fix us all turkey pot pies. Oh, if only.
While I am a big fan of the wacky real-life antics on America's Funniest Home Videos, this special threatens to be a mix of COPS and a program on the Discovery Channel, complete with cheesy graphics and sound effects. Perhaps it zoomed into production when things like When People Go Off: Hissyfits Caught on Tape, or When Animals Bite: Ouch! seemed too, well, done to death. Perhaps there will be a viewing of When Studio Execs Become Desperate, which hopefully can explain how the hell these people come to these decisions, and perhaps share with us where they live so that we can ring their doorbells and run all night long.
More clips roll by; a dress falls off a hanger (aaahgh!), someone does crunches in the park, another says she prides herself in being aggressive, in B-E-ing aggressive. Horrid Voice Actor booms that these are "the most stressed-out brides in America." Was that really a criterion? Who would answer that ad? "Hello! We're making a documentary of sorts, on brides behaving badly. We heard you're a real pushy bitch. Can we follow you around with cameras and air the footage on FOX? Great -- see you at the dressmaker's!" It is my belief that these participants were hoodwinked in some way, and told the show would be about the stress of wedding planning. Because I doubt that even the most self-aware woman would willingly participate in a doc called Bitchville: Population You. Just like I wish that all the female participants on Joe Millionaire were told it was going to be called Searching for Cinderella, or Fairy Tale-a-Mundo!.
A cheesy graphic of jagged glass frames the screen as Horrid Voice Actor (HVA) says, "Nothing else matters. These women want what they want, and they want it now." Therefore, these women are Veruca Salt in Vera Wang. One husband-to-be asks for a kiss and has the car door slammed in his face. HVA says that "these women" also drive everyone around them crazy, including wedding planners and photographers "who soak up all the bridal breakdowns and bitching." One rather zaftig bride-to-be gets on her cell phone and asks if the person on the other end wants "to talk about it now" or to "see [her] in court, because as an attorney, it won't cost [her] a fucking dime." Ooh, I think we have part two of our special: When Brides Sue. HVA says these are women who become "stars of their own horror movies." One wedding planner explains the women "turn into monsters." Another say they complain that "everything is wrong." Does everyone get it already? I do; now please remove the frame of jagged glass around each talking head, it's getting old. Oh wait, the "experts" are still explaining. "Their personalities change." One bride mimes shooting herself in the head. I'm with you, sister. Another asks how many months she planned this for, anyway, and then "in the first hour, they fuck it up?" One swears that if it isn't perfect, she'll kill herself. Again: We're on the brink of war. Does any of this seem trivial and, well, stupid? What's that? Shut up, you're trying to watch TV? My bad. In conclusion, "complain, complain, complain, complain, complain, complain, complain: That is a Bridezilla." So, let's get on with it. A toast to aggravation. Drink!