MONDO EXTRAS

When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas

HVA informs me that there are "three kinds of Bridezillas stalking the streets of America: the princess bride, the neurotic bride, and the obsessive bride." The first princess is Vanessa, who took two years to plan her big day. A stupid graphic of a bullet shattering glass starts up, and she natters on about her dress, also called "princess," and of a sparkly $15,000 diamond necklace she asks, "Can [she] have it? [She] love[s] it so!" Oy. Her fiancé Dan says he tried to give his input, but...he is promptly talked over by the princess.

Next up, Miho. The broken-glass graphic shatters cheesily (blam!), and her fiancé says that Miho can be "pretty firm about what she wants." Sure, but is that the same thing as demolishing Tokyo? It is on FOX, I guess. Miho stalks 57th Street and says she likes bags, Gaultier, and shoes too. What a fucking diva -- not. Finally, there's Brooke. Blam! She's obsessed with "losing weight" in time for the wedding. She doesn't look like she's got much to lose in the first place, but whatever -- anything these future brides to do to make themselves more stressed out is fine with FOX. She also shares with us that her big giant husband, who seems much older than she and could easily lose fifty pounds, is the first guy she dated that her dad didn't have a problem with. Creepy.

Next are the neurotic brides. One swears about nineteen times in nineteen clips that she doesn't think she's being neurotic, much. She's Karen. Blam! She's planning her own $90,000 wedding to a banker, who she says she "doesn't even like." Hell has a special spot saved for people like Karen.

Next is Cynthia. Blam! Tinkle tinkle. She's an "unfortunate sufferer of PMT -- pre-marital tension." And there's a special spot in hell for those who write those lines. She weeps gently, and her fiancé says they should gotten hitched in the judge's chambers. Good idea. And there's neurotic bride number three -- blam! -- Amy. She's stressed out about the wedding, so her husband "better be good." He says he "stopped putting his two cents in when they became half a penny." They both work in the financial sector, so they should know from half a penny.

Last up are the obsessive brides. Blam! One is in her forties, with a demeanor that veers between giddy and scary. Julia wanted to be married at twenty and have had "two point two kids, a dog, and a chicken in a pot" by this time, but "God" didn't want it that way. Yes, God had other plans for you, my dear. The Lord intended for you to be humiliated. Lo unto you, a FOX special was delivered, and it was terrible. In a clip, Julia drives aggressively and asks that another driver let her, the "neurotic bride," go. No, honey, you're an obsessive bride. Get your role right. FOX has pegged you one way; now be that way!

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When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas A cheesy graphic of jagged glass frames the screen as Horrid Voice Actor (HVA) says, "Nothing else matters. These women want what they want, and they want it now." Therefore, these women are Veruca Salt in Vera Wang. One husband-to-be asks for a kiss and has the car door slammed in his face. HVA says that "these women" also drive everyone around them crazy, including wedding planners and photographers "who soak up all the bridal breakdowns and bitching." One rather zaftig bride-to-be gets on her cell phone and asks if the person on the other end wants "to talk about it now" or to "see [her] in court, because as an attorney, it won't cost [her] a fucking dime." Ooh, I think we have part two of our special: When Brides Sue. HVA says these are women who become "stars of their own horror movies." One wedding planner explains the women "turn into monsters." Another say they complain that "everything is wrong." Does everyone get it already? I do; now please remove the frame of jagged glass around each talking head, it's getting old. Oh wait, the "experts" are still explaining. "Their personalities change." One bride mimes shooting herself in the head. I'm with you, sister. Another asks how many months she planned this for, anyway, and then "in the first hour, they fuck it up?" One swears that if it isn't perfect, she'll kill herself. Again: We're on the brink of war. Does any of this seem trivial and, well, stupid? What's that? Shut up, you're trying to watch TV? My bad. In conclusion, "complain, complain, complain, complain, complain, complain, complain: That is a Bridezilla." So, let's get on with it. A toast to aggravation. Drink! HVA informs me that there are "three kinds of Bridezillas stalking the streets of America: the princess bride, the neurotic bride, and the obsessive bride." The first princess is Vanessa, who took two years to plan her big day. A stupid graphic of a bullet shattering glass starts up, and she natters on about her dress, also called "princess," and of a sparkly $15,000 diamond necklace she asks, "Can [she] have it? [She] love[s] it so!" Oy. Her fiancé Dan says he tried to give his input, but...he is promptly talked over by the princess. Next up, Miho. The broken-glass graphic shatters cheesily (blam!), and her fiancé says that Miho can be "pretty firm about what she wants." Sure, but is that the same thing as demolishing Tokyo? It is on FOX, I guess. Miho stalks 57th Street and says she likes bags, Gaultier, and shoes too. What a fucking diva -- not. Finally, there's Brooke. Blam! She's obsessed with "losing weight" in time for the wedding. She doesn't look like she's got much to lose in the first place, but whatever -- anything these future brides to do to make themselves more stressed out is fine with FOX. She also shares with us that her big giant husband, who seems much older than she and could easily lose fifty pounds, is the first guy she dated that her dad didn't have a problem with. Creepy.

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