Now, the (dreaded? anticipated? very fucking obvious?) diamond segment. HVA booms, "Big diamonds, big dollars...and our bling-bling brides know their rocks." Go to hell, HVA. In the "Diamond Corner" jewelry store, Karen's fiancé says that Karen is "spending money." Karen is in fact drooling over the big sparklies, but wheels and snaps that "that's not how you look at buying wedding rings." Then go buy a ring with a cost that doesn't equal a first year of college, missy. How about a simple band, Puff Bridey?
Amy hugs her jeweler, ecstatic over her ring, and whispers reverently, "Oh, it sparkles so." Yes, nothing sparkles quite like diamonds. We are all in agreement. Diamonds: they are sparkly. Now get that $15,000 necklace off, magpie, and skedaddle back in the kitchen for more turkey pot pie. Dan the fiancé actually gives his demanding bride the necklace she "loves so," to her glee. Dan? You're part of the problem.
Next up is the segment that says, "Money can buy you love." Oh, FOX. You are so going to hell. Julia rambles rapidly about her fiancé, who makes jokes about her spending upwards of $50,000. She justifies the high price by saying that her wedding is "the realization of [her] dreams." You know what I dream about? Property. And maybe a Cadillac. Not months of stress culminating in one day of princessdom. Just to get personal, I'm not married, and don't plan to be. I very much do not want to drive myself crazy with planning and going into debt. And…a white dress? It would probably burst into flames as I headed down the proverbial aisle. Do you feel me? I have nothing against marriage; it's just not for me. And something about these women makes me feel like I'm making the right decision. Because the demands won't just stop the day after the wedding. After the wedding, these chicks will start demanding offspring. And from that moment on, they will refer to fucking as "babydancing," and will use annoying shorthand like "TTC" for "trying to conceive," and "o'ing" for "ovulating." I don't even have to guess that the same chick who demanded a $15,000 necklace will demand a rug rat posthaste.
Anyway, HVA booms, "You want marriage? Marriage costs. And right here is where our grooms start paying." Oh, Debbie Allen is coming with her cane to stomp right on your toe, HVA. Dan, giver of the $15,000 necklace, says that his wedding is "more than [he] ever wanted to spend...[he's] never written a check for this in my life, not even buying a car. We could have bought a house, but we went for the big wedding." Amy says, "We both wanted something so special!" Dan says grudgingly, "Yes, we did." My heart goes out to Dan. ["Mine doesn't. You don't want a big wedding, speak up." -- Sars] Karen sits in a cab and says she "really didn't want to go over $5,000 for flowers." Sure, she really didn't. But she really did it anyway. Tricia, with her Fred Perry-wearing fiancé in tow, says they are "spending money like rock stars." Her fiancé makes a face very similar to the one you'd make after inhaling ammonia. Tricia gets her hair done and giggles with the stylists, saying her intended wooed her with gifts and gave her "so much Prada." So it's his fault. Got it. Cynthia says her wedding is "a good way to spend [her] parents' money...they offered and we took them up on it." One beleaguered father suggests that his Bridezilla daughter give him a "check book or a piggy bank" as a gift. So sweet!