MONDO EXTRAS

When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas

Now, the (dreaded? anticipated? very fucking obvious?) diamond segment. HVA booms, "Big diamonds, big dollars...and our bling-bling brides know their rocks." Go to hell, HVA. In the "Diamond Corner" jewelry store, Karen's fiancé says that Karen is "spending money." Karen is in fact drooling over the big sparklies, but wheels and snaps that "that's not how you look at buying wedding rings." Then go buy a ring with a cost that doesn't equal a first year of college, missy. How about a simple band, Puff Bridey?

Amy hugs her jeweler, ecstatic over her ring, and whispers reverently, "Oh, it sparkles so." Yes, nothing sparkles quite like diamonds. We are all in agreement. Diamonds: they are sparkly. Now get that $15,000 necklace off, magpie, and skedaddle back in the kitchen for more turkey pot pie. Dan the fiancé actually gives his demanding bride the necklace she "loves so," to her glee. Dan? You're part of the problem.

Next up is the segment that says, "Money can buy you love." Oh, FOX. You are so going to hell. Julia rambles rapidly about her fiancé, who makes jokes about her spending upwards of $50,000. She justifies the high price by saying that her wedding is "the realization of [her] dreams." You know what I dream about? Property. And maybe a Cadillac. Not months of stress culminating in one day of princessdom. Just to get personal, I'm not married, and don't plan to be. I very much do not want to drive myself crazy with planning and going into debt. And…a white dress? It would probably burst into flames as I headed down the proverbial aisle. Do you feel me? I have nothing against marriage; it's just not for me. And something about these women makes me feel like I'm making the right decision. Because the demands won't just stop the day after the wedding. After the wedding, these chicks will start demanding offspring. And from that moment on, they will refer to fucking as "babydancing," and will use annoying shorthand like "TTC" for "trying to conceive," and "o'ing" for "ovulating." I don't even have to guess that the same chick who demanded a $15,000 necklace will demand a rug rat posthaste.

Anyway, HVA booms, "You want marriage? Marriage costs. And right here is where our grooms start paying." Oh, Debbie Allen is coming with her cane to stomp right on your toe, HVA. Dan, giver of the $15,000 necklace, says that his wedding is "more than [he] ever wanted to spend...[he's] never written a check for this in my life, not even buying a car. We could have bought a house, but we went for the big wedding." Amy says, "We both wanted something so special!" Dan says grudgingly, "Yes, we did." My heart goes out to Dan. ["Mine doesn't. You don't want a big wedding, speak up." -- Sars] Karen sits in a cab and says she "really didn't want to go over $5,000 for flowers." Sure, she really didn't. But she really did it anyway. Tricia, with her Fred Perry-wearing fiancé in tow, says they are "spending money like rock stars." Her fiancé makes a face very similar to the one you'd make after inhaling ammonia. Tricia gets her hair done and giggles with the stylists, saying her intended wooed her with gifts and gave her "so much Prada." So it's his fault. Got it. Cynthia says her wedding is "a good way to spend [her] parents' money...they offered and we took them up on it." One beleaguered father suggests that his Bridezilla daughter give him a "check book or a piggy bank" as a gift. So sweet!

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When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas This segment is "Dressed to Kill." One bride cries that she "didn't give [her]self any time." What? That doesn't even make sense. Another is asked if she feels like an angel. She says, "That's stretching it." Ahem. Another swoons in her gown, saying she's more excited for the dress than for her actual wedding day. Down in hell, someone dusts off another seat. One says she went to every bridal store in Manhattan (and New Jersey, says her mom) to find the perfect dress. One says, "I look fat in this," then, "I look fabulous." The two sentences kind of rhyme. And they're also both kind of true. HVA says that, "to look like a princess, you gotta act like a prima donna." Can't you just look elegant, like Grace Kelly? Oh, right -- these women are triflin' bitches. One woman has six dress fittings for her $4,000 dress, and pesky bunching issues never get solved. Another stares into the mirror and says wistfully that something seems wrong around her shoulder area. The fitter snips away at the dress's neckline, but something still seems wrong. Is it the fugliness? Or the pug-fugliness? Or just general malaise? Because no scissors can snip that away. The chick with six fittings is full of complaints, and her dressmaker has a sharp tone in her voice as she says the dress is PERFECT, young lady. I think the Bridezilla wasn't done complaining, seamstress. Cynthia is not confident, and weeps a little about her uncertainty. An electric piano underscores her pain. Oh, FOX. An electric piano? Shame on you. Another one tries on seven dresses to wear to the rehearsal dinner. Jesus God. Julia has lunch with a friend, yelling about what dresses her friends are going to wear. Another asks obsessively if the dress can be made blue, then she calls after leaving the shop to remind them to make the dress blue. They hang up on her. Jesus, can we have a linear plot for a second? Even COPS has more of an arc than this. This is an editing nightmare. Now, the (dreaded? anticipated? very fucking obvious?) diamond segment. HVA booms, "Big diamonds, big dollars...and our bling-bling brides know their rocks." Go to hell, HVA. In the "Diamond Corner" jewelry store, Karen's fiancé says that Karen is "spending money." Karen is in fact drooling over the big sparklies, but wheels and snaps that "that's not how you look at buying wedding rings." Then go buy a ring with a cost that doesn't equal a first year of college, missy. How about a simple band, Puff Bridey? Amy hugs her jeweler, ecstatic over her ring, and whispers reverently, "Oh, it sparkles so." Yes, nothing sparkles quite like diamonds. We are all in agreement. Diamonds: they are sparkly. Now get that $15,000 necklace off, magpie, and skedaddle back in the kitchen for more turkey pot pie. Dan the fiancé actually gives his demanding bride the necklace she "loves so," to her glee. Dan? You're part of the problem.

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