This segment is called, "Life's a bitch, and then you marry one." Oh my fucking God. There are no words for my ire. A few shots of the grooms, behind the wheels of convertibles or speeding around on scooters, whiz by. And apply the word "whiz" to any scenario you might conjure up in your mind. These guys are suckers, sure, but even Godzilla didn't work solo. He had Mothra. So these guys are one special away from being exposed on TV and caught on tape making out with strippers, or a bridesmaid even. I don't feel sorry for these men one bit, even though HVA says they're "marrying some of America's brashest brides-to-be." Karen berates her intended by saying that the worst thing about planning a wedding is dealing with "the ignorance" of the groom. After all, it's the biggest thing they can participate in together! Her fiancé says, "What about the birth of a child?" She already did that -- and most of the work, too, she adds. But seriously, what's more important? Oh, right: Bridezillas. Karen says she "hates" and "doesn't even like" her intended. She says he's a jerk because he made sure there was a sushi station and a Guinness bar at the reception. Dude, I'd marry that jerk. In fact, that would be all I require: sushi and Guinness. Done deal. The end. Sign me up. Does anyone have a reason why this recapper and this man should not be married? Thy will be done. Now get out of my way, there's unagi to be had.
A groom talks to the cameras, one saying that if he can't handle picking up a wedding dress, he "should have been left back in second grade." He walks around his apartment with the massive gown in tow, looking desperately for a place to hang it. No, not the shower. No, not the closet. Dammit, where!? He concludes with the pithy sentiment that "sometimes women get too stressed out about certain things." If you say so, Jumpy McHenpecked.
Jeff, my fave groom in the Fred Perry, gets stumped over choosing beer. Should they get a light variety? Uhh...he's stumped. Beer? Beer good. Corona? Corona Light? Uhhh. Amy says it's a good thing he wasn't making all the decisions. He's fully stumped. He looks dazed. It's awesome. Uhhh...light? Beer? Uhhh...
Karen's fiancé, in one of those horrid shirts with French cuffs that many bankers wear in desperate hopes of looking like Hugh Hefner, asks his drinking buddies at the bar what the point of this wedding is. He already lives with his intended, and they already have a kid. He makes the "marriage is just a piece of paper" argument. Well, sure -- but it's also about standing in front of your family and friends and promising to love someone forever. And gifts. Lots and lots of gifts. He goes on to promise that during his three-day bachelor party in Las Vegas (wooo!), he won't lose more than $25,000. Karen wants to give him a cap of $1,000. He scoffs. He could lose that in the first hour! Jesus, when was this special filmed, in 1999? Do people really still have casual attitudes about money? Maybe they all have book deals. Or maybe they're drug dealers and have Corey Haim on speed-dial.