MONDO EXTRAS

When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas

This segment is called, "Life's a bitch, and then you marry one." Oh my fucking God. There are no words for my ire. A few shots of the grooms, behind the wheels of convertibles or speeding around on scooters, whiz by. And apply the word "whiz" to any scenario you might conjure up in your mind. These guys are suckers, sure, but even Godzilla didn't work solo. He had Mothra. So these guys are one special away from being exposed on TV and caught on tape making out with strippers, or a bridesmaid even. I don't feel sorry for these men one bit, even though HVA says they're "marrying some of America's brashest brides-to-be." Karen berates her intended by saying that the worst thing about planning a wedding is dealing with "the ignorance" of the groom. After all, it's the biggest thing they can participate in together! Her fiancé says, "What about the birth of a child?" She already did that -- and most of the work, too, she adds. But seriously, what's more important? Oh, right: Bridezillas. Karen says she "hates" and "doesn't even like" her intended. She says he's a jerk because he made sure there was a sushi station and a Guinness bar at the reception. Dude, I'd marry that jerk. In fact, that would be all I require: sushi and Guinness. Done deal. The end. Sign me up. Does anyone have a reason why this recapper and this man should not be married? Thy will be done. Now get out of my way, there's unagi to be had.

A groom talks to the cameras, one saying that if he can't handle picking up a wedding dress, he "should have been left back in second grade." He walks around his apartment with the massive gown in tow, looking desperately for a place to hang it. No, not the shower. No, not the closet. Dammit, where!? He concludes with the pithy sentiment that "sometimes women get too stressed out about certain things." If you say so, Jumpy McHenpecked.

Jeff, my fave groom in the Fred Perry, gets stumped over choosing beer. Should they get a light variety? Uhh...he's stumped. Beer? Beer good. Corona? Corona Light? Uhhh. Amy says it's a good thing he wasn't making all the decisions. He's fully stumped. He looks dazed. It's awesome. Uhhh...light? Beer? Uhhh...

Karen's fiancé, in one of those horrid shirts with French cuffs that many bankers wear in desperate hopes of looking like Hugh Hefner, asks his drinking buddies at the bar what the point of this wedding is. He already lives with his intended, and they already have a kid. He makes the "marriage is just a piece of paper" argument. Well, sure -- but it's also about standing in front of your family and friends and promising to love someone forever. And gifts. Lots and lots of gifts. He goes on to promise that during his three-day bachelor party in Las Vegas (wooo!), he won't lose more than $25,000. Karen wants to give him a cap of $1,000. He scoffs. He could lose that in the first hour! Jesus, when was this special filmed, in 1999? Do people really still have casual attitudes about money? Maybe they all have book deals. Or maybe they're drug dealers and have Corey Haim on speed-dial.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7Next

Comments

When Women Demand Too Much, Like Equal Rights

by Alex Richmond January 28, 2003
Bridezillas Next up is the segment that says, "Money can buy you love." Oh, FOX. You are so going to hell. Julia rambles rapidly about her fiancé, who makes jokes about her spending upwards of $50,000. She justifies the high price by saying that her wedding is "the realization of [her] dreams." You know what I dream about? Property. And maybe a Cadillac. Not months of stress culminating in one day of princessdom. Just to get personal, I'm not married, and don't plan to be. I very much do not want to drive myself crazy with planning and going into debt. And…a white dress? It would probably burst into flames as I headed down the proverbial aisle. Do you feel me? I have nothing against marriage; it's just not for me. And something about these women makes me feel like I'm making the right decision. Because the demands won't just stop the day after the wedding. After the wedding, these chicks will start demanding offspring. And from that moment on, they will refer to fucking as "babydancing," and will use annoying shorthand like "TTC" for "trying to conceive," and "o'ing" for "ovulating." I don't even have to guess that the same chick who demanded a $15,000 necklace will demand a rug rat posthaste. Anyway, HVA booms, "You want marriage? Marriage costs. And right here is where our grooms start paying." Oh, Debbie Allen is coming with her cane to stomp right on your toe, HVA. Dan, giver of the $15,000 necklace, says that his wedding is "more than [he] ever wanted to spend...[he's] never written a check for this in my life, not even buying a car. We could have bought a house, but we went for the big wedding." Amy says, "We both wanted something so special!" Dan says grudgingly, "Yes, we did." My heart goes out to Dan. ["Mine doesn't. You don't want a big wedding, speak up." -- Sars] Karen sits in a cab and says she "really didn't want to go over $5,000 for flowers." Sure, she really didn't. But she really did it anyway. Tricia, with her Fred Perry-wearing fiancé in tow, says they are "spending money like rock stars." Her fiancé makes a face very similar to the one you'd make after inhaling ammonia. Tricia gets her hair done and giggles with the stylists, saying her intended wooed her with gifts and gave her "so much Prada." So it's his fault. Got it. Cynthia says her wedding is "a good way to spend [her] parents' money...they offered and we took them up on it." One beleaguered father suggests that his Bridezilla daughter give him a "check book or a piggy bank" as a gift. So sweet!

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP