Next up? "Trust me, I'm a wedding planner." Blam! Tinkle tinkle. One horsey blonde madam acts like a traffic cop, though she's at a country club brunch. "STOP!!" She actually holds out her arm. Do I even have to add she's got a clipboard? Of course she does. She's Lynne, and is paying attention to details and bossing people around so the bride and groom don't have to. Lynne barks at Miho to smile, look at, and hold hands with her groom during the ceremony. "You'll thank me later, when you get the photos." Damn. Then both Lynne and Miho come down on the groom when he suggests ringing a little bell when it's time to sit down for dinner. He thought this was "an English tradition, or a tradition in all weddings." Miho giggles at his idea, and not politely. Lynne the planner explains that the bell is Just Not Done. The guy representing Tavern on the Green thinks it's stupid and insulting to ring a bell instead of just saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, the first course is being served." Where did that idiot ever get the idea of ringing a bell, anyway? Four Weddings and a Funeral. Is Hugh Grant ever not a source of controversy?
Three hairdressers, all in black vests and tight pants, wait around like it's last call. The planner whips one into pulling the bride's hair back already. She snaps, "What am I, Mommy?" Hairdresser guy says dryly, "More like the Gestapo." I love that guy! Guy, you are the only time I laughed during this whole stupid special, and we're 46 minutes in.
Lynne realizes that the flowers haven't arrived. She asks the good maitre d' of Tavern on the Green if there's "anything potted" to use in lieu of the ordered flowers. Heh, she said "potted."
Yves, a "video artiste" who may or may not really be French, calls a wedding planner lackey "stupide." Kate, the planner, asks very nicely that he not call her staff stupid. She's way too nice. Sharon Osbourne would have cut his balls off.
We get a Lynne montage. A Lynne-tage. The flowers arrive, and she commands that the florist, "Run, woman, go. Move! Make bows!" Then, she says to a Tavern on the Green-ite, "Liquor? I need liquor." Maybe something potted? Finally, she sits in a cab and says with perfect timing, "There are some brides I'm so happy to see walk down the aisle. And out of my life." Lynne? Comedy is hard. Brava.
Finally, "Tantrums and Tiaras." Here come the brides! It's the big day. Karen opens her bag and reveals a medicine chest of sorts. She's popping Imodium, aspirin, and something to make her "not a bitch." Again -- does she know Corey Haim? And where can I get some Bitch-B-Gone? I can use some. Or so I'm told.
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This segment is called, "Life's a bitch, and then you marry one." Oh my fucking God. There are no words for my ire. A few shots of the grooms, behind the wheels of convertibles or speeding around on scooters, whiz by. And apply the word "whiz" to any scenario you might conjure up in your mind. These guys are suckers, sure, but even Godzilla didn't work solo. He had Mothra. So these guys are one special away from being exposed on TV and caught on tape making out with strippers, or a bridesmaid even. I don't feel sorry for these men one bit, even though HVA says they're "marrying some of America's brashest brides-to-be." Karen berates her intended by saying that the worst thing about planning a wedding is dealing with "the ignorance" of the groom. After all, it's the biggest thing they can participate in together! Her fiancé says, "What about the birth of a child?" She already did that -- and most of the work, too, she adds. But seriously, what's more important? Oh, right: Bridezillas. Karen says she "hates" and "doesn't even like" her intended. She says he's a jerk because he made sure there was a sushi station and a Guinness bar at the reception. Dude, I'd marry that jerk. In fact, that would be all I require: sushi and Guinness. Done deal. The end. Sign me up. Does anyone have a reason why this recapper and this man should not be married? Thy will be done. Now get out of my way, there's unagi to be had.
A groom talks to the cameras, one saying that if he can't handle picking up a wedding dress, he "should have been left back in second grade." He walks around his apartment with the massive gown in tow, looking desperately for a place to hang it. No, not the shower. No, not the closet. Dammit, where!? He concludes with the pithy sentiment that "sometimes women get too stressed out about certain things." If you say so, Jumpy McHenpecked.
Jeff, my fave groom in the Fred Perry, gets stumped over choosing beer. Should they get a light variety? Uhh...he's stumped. Beer? Beer good. Corona? Corona Light? Uhhh. Amy says it's a good thing he wasn't making all the decisions. He's fully stumped. He looks dazed. It's awesome. Uhhh...light? Beer? Uhhh...
Karen's fiancé, in one of those horrid shirts with French cuffs that many bankers wear in desperate hopes of looking like Hugh Hefner, asks his drinking buddies at the bar what the point of this wedding is. He already lives with his intended, and they already have a kid. He makes the "marriage is just a piece of paper" argument. Well, sure -- but it's also about standing in front of your family and friends and promising to love someone forever. And gifts. Lots and lots of gifts. He goes on to promise that during his three-day bachelor party in Las Vegas (wooo!), he won't lose more than $25,000. Karen wants to give him a cap of $1,000. He scoffs. He could lose that in the first hour! Jesus, when was this special filmed, in 1999? Do people really still have casual attitudes about money? Maybe they all have book deals. Or maybe they're drug dealers and have Corey Haim on speed-dial.
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