Cynthia picks up her dress with Rick, her "maid" of honor, in tow. Rick has a modern mohawk and I love it. Cynthia is upset because as she picks up her dress, the store makes her wait outside; another bride is being fitted, and probably doesn't want the cameras inside. Cynthia is miffed to have to wait on the sidewalk, and because the other bride looks more "fairy tale" than she. She says she "doesn't need that" on her wedding day. Yes, wouldn't it be nice, just for one day in your life, to actually believe you're the most fucking beautiful person on the planet. There is no sand pile deep enough for some ostriches.
And now we get a montage of everyone saying that they take whomever to be their you-know-what. Applause. Flower girls toddle away. Glasses are clinked. We see some of the Bridezillas actually smiling. They don't look half bad. But even after the vows have been said, there's drama. Here's the clip, for the third time, of the lady on her cell phone, asking if the person on the other end wants "to talk about it now" or to "see [her] in court, because as an attorney, it won't cost [her] a fucking dime." Um, we saw that already. Miho walks down the aisle, and HVA booms that even on her special day, she doesn't have to be happy if she doesn't want to. She doesn't let her husband kiss her. Her husband makes the claw hands and arrgh-face you probably saw on the commercials. It looks like she doesn't even let him kiss her after the ceremony was performed.
Julia is up. Her gown is so voluptuous that she can't fit on the elevator with her little flower girls. Her ceremony is nice, she kisses her husband sweetly, and they jump a broom. But then HVA is there to harsh my buzz: "After the vows, there's time for ROWS." Oh, I hate that guy. Karen sips champagne and says, "Here's to aggravation." Then she says she hates limousines and she should have taken a cab. Would have been cheaper too, but it's a little to late to "should" yourself, missy. Karen yells at someone because cocktail hour was "cocktail twenty minutes." It's her day! She keeps saying "cocktail OW-ERR." "Make everything else what I expect, from the W Hotel. Whatever I say, is right." Oy, what a fucking bitch.
More weddings. Applause, kisses, I-love-you-honeys. Karen finally dances in a display of happiness. HVA says, "A Bridezilla's reality rarely lives up to their dream." ["Nice grammar, HVA." -- Sars] And that after everything is said and done, "The Bridezillas turn back into the girls their husbands wanted to marry." Sure they do. Stay tuned for the next FOX special, When Bitches Breed: Babyzillas.
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Next up? "Trust me, I'm a wedding planner." Blam! Tinkle tinkle. One horsey blonde madam acts like a traffic cop, though she's at a country club brunch. "STOP!!" She actually holds out her arm. Do I even have to add she's got a clipboard? Of course she does. She's Lynne, and is paying attention to details and bossing people around so the bride and groom don't have to. Lynne barks at Miho to smile, look at, and hold hands with her groom during the ceremony. "You'll thank me later, when you get the photos." Damn. Then both Lynne and Miho come down on the groom when he suggests ringing a little bell when it's time to sit down for dinner. He thought this was "an English tradition, or a tradition in all weddings." Miho giggles at his idea, and not politely. Lynne the planner explains that the bell is Just Not Done. The guy representing Tavern on the Green thinks it's stupid and insulting to ring a bell instead of just saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, the first course is being served." Where did that idiot ever get the idea of ringing a bell, anyway? Four Weddings and a Funeral
. Is Hugh Grant ever not
a source of controversy?
Three hairdressers, all in black vests and tight pants, wait around like it's last call. The planner whips one into pulling the bride's hair back already. She snaps, "What am I, Mommy?" Hairdresser guy says dryly, "More like the Gestapo." I love that guy! Guy, you are the only time I laughed during this whole stupid special, and we're 46 minutes in.
Lynne realizes that the flowers haven't arrived. She asks the good maitre d' of Tavern on the Green if there's "anything potted" to use in lieu of the ordered flowers. Heh, she said "potted."
Yves, a "video artiste" who may or may not really be French, calls a wedding planner lackey "stupide." Kate, the planner, asks very nicely that he not call her staff stupid. She's way too nice. Sharon Osbourne
would have cut his balls off.
We get a Lynne montage. A Lynne-tage. The flowers arrive, and she commands that the florist, "Run, woman, go. Move! Make bows!" Then, she says to a Tavern on the Green-ite, "Liquor? I need liquor." Maybe something potted? Finally, she sits in a cab and says with perfect timing, "There are some brides I'm so happy to see walk down the aisle. And out of my life." Lynne? Comedy is hard. Brava.
Finally, "Tantrums and Tiaras." Here come the brides! It's the big day. Karen opens her bag and reveals a medicine chest of sorts. She's popping Imodium, aspirin, and something to make her "not a bitch." Again -- does she know Corey Haim? And where can I get some Bitch-B-Gone? I can use some. Or so I'm told.
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