In the next bit of magic, I introduce our live feed from Hawaii and ask some folks from the audience to participate. By throwing a floppy Frisbee in the audience, I find Andy, a woman who likes volleyball. (Hey, who doesn't?) I ask her to draw herself playing volleyball (naked, I hope) on an oversized postcard. She draws a stick figure and a ball. I make fun of her: "That's not volleyball. That's The Blair Witch Project." Oh, but I kid the yokels. I find an obviously planted kid actor in the audience named Jacob. Jacob the little bastard cherub (trust me, he's a nightmare to work with) is assigned the task of standing by the propped-up postcard and making sure nobody touches it. A true recipe for mischief, I know.
I leave that trick behind to start a new one: I bring up two very Aryan-looking guys who I call "Uncle Morty and Aunt Ida" to the stage. One of them's a plant. The other one's not. Ain't I a devil? I have them strapped to a couch and, damn! Look at that! I have made a couch levitate! I even manage to give them airline bags of peanuts, and then crack up the audience with jokes about the two men holding their nuts. I'm a family magician, with just a hint of naughty. Somebody spank me, please. The guy on the left makes little hand gestures under the blanket so I can joke, "What are you doing under there?" Okay, have you guessed which one is the plant yet? The two men levitate on the couch, which is an exact dramatization of what stoners feel like when they watch 2001 on DVD while baked. I encase the men in glass, along with the couch, just to make them feel trapped while I hit on their girlfriends. I make them levitate inside the glass case, because I'm that good. The audience applauds wildly. I bow. Life is good, even without Claudia.
When that trick is over, I look over to find the little devil child Jacob shirking his responsibilities as postcard guard. I give him a stern look, and he looks guilty and cherubic at the same time. That's why I don't have kids. I'd saw them in half.
Right before another commercial, I show my now-famous "magic in the street" (take that, David Blaine, you prick) by floating some people into the air on my magic couch in broad daylight.. They scream and bleep-cuss. And when I ask if they want to go again and they say no, I shoot them up into the air anyway. Call it my hatred of humanity.
Back from commercial, and it's time for me to do my Mr. Wizard impression: I introduce a glass of water in a crystal glass and announce that this trick can be performed at home. (It's actually vodka in the glass, but nobody has to know that.) I make the glass sing by rubbing around the edge, take some water out, and do it again at a higher pitch, but oh, amusement of amusements: -- some Asian guy comes into the frame, revealing that it's him singing a falsetto, not the glass. Oh, I kid the eunuchs. But then I show off the real trick: I take a moon rock and pass it around the now-cloth-covered glass. I simulate low tide (empty glass), high tide (full glass) and life (goldfish coming out of my hand). On my next CBS special, I'll be doing card tricks for the viewers at home. Stay tuned.