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David Blaine: Drowned Alive

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David On David

Greetings, unwashed fucks. It is I, David. The Copperfield. Master of Illusion. Possessor of Magic's Enormous Jock. Who is David? Me. You thought it was I, but in fact, I was over here, being me. Magic? Illusion? I leave that up to the people who write all the shit that makes up the dictionary. Why do I call you "unwashed fucks" when you've adored me and made me rich beyond my wildest dreams (all right, maybe some of my low-rent dreams)? Because you keep giving attention to that little brown fucktard David Blaine. David Lame. The other David who's not fit to carry my sleepy sleeve dove in his asscrack. That cocksucking, turd-gobbling magical midget! You pay him attention! How do you think that makes me, The Copperfield, feel? Like I'm disappearing right in front of you. And it's no fucking trick.

I'm going to write about this skinny nutsack's prime-time special, Drowned Alive. God. If only. Oh, please, God, let him die next time. Let it go horribly wrong on live TV and let him die with his heavy-lidded eyes suddenly open in shock. Let it be a trick where his head gets chopped off so I can pay someone afterward to do some gravedigging and get me his shrunken raccoon head for my award mantle. Please, God. Do this for Copperfield. Thank you, God. You're awesome, God. I really mean it. Check your collection basket, God. I think you're going to find a special surprise tonight. Amen.

So, let's start this unholy shit. The special starts with a montage of brown ice. Oh, wait, that's David Lame in a block of ice. Doesn't that remind you of those novelty ice cubes with roaches in them? A voice-over jerk calls him "The master magician of our generation." !!! Learn some magic first, jackhole. We get some clips of David Lame in a casino in Vegas doing tricks for amazed and gullible black people. They're just happy to be out of New Orleans. Clips of David Lame's "Street magic" (get a venue, why don't you?) and his death-defying stunts, none of which look very death-defying to me. Try making the Statue of Liberty disappear, dipshit. Then, maybe we can talk. Then we get introduced to his latest bullshit, "One for the history books," but mostly it just looks like a rat in water shot for an artsy rock video in art-directed water. We're told that this guy's gonna try to hold his breath for a record-breaking "excruciating nine minutes," while we see shots of stingrays floating around Blaine on some God-forsaken beach. Sting him! Sting him now! I'll pay you, stingrays. Want some buffet coupons? David the Rat lies on the sand and lets water wash over him. If it were me, I'd have a babe on top of me. This is where David and David differ. A doctor with a foreign accent who's trying to rock an Al Pacino look blah blahs about brain damage and how David the Rat could be a different person at the end of this stunt. Could he be less rat-like? Then I might have something to worry about. We're told that David the Rat's in a big water bubble and will be locked up with chains while he tries to hold his breath. How is this a trick? Give me some chains and a water chamber. I could dunk my ass in there. But, on second thought, I would never do that. Because of the shrinkage. Evel Knievel talks some crap about doing stunts, and then we see David the Rat try to breathe in a coffin like he's some goth kid. Vlad to see you. Ha ha. I just made that up.

The promo clip ends, and we see a New York City crowd gathered live at Lincoln Center. People are cheering, and...wow. That's...that's kind of a lot of people. Well, so what? He probably paid them all! Bums will give you a hand job for $5 in New York. Believe me. I've heard stories. From totally other people. A few grand and anybody could get a crowd like this together. I think there were more people than this for the taping of the last episode of Emeril's sitcom. Ha. That was totally topical. I love me! There's a marble-looking sphere in the middle of Lincoln Center with a giant brown bean inside. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not a bean. That's David the Rat. My bad, Blaine. I'll totally send you a gift basket for that. The camera sails over Blaine's bubble and then around it, and we can see the awful, whiteifying effect that being in the water has had on David the Albino Rat. He's wearing black pants and a facemask, and he's breathing through a regulator. He gets to breathe underwater? No fair! That's not a trick! That's not even real scuba! David the Rat is also wearing these long black gloves like he's one of the women going to a fancy dinner on Dynasty. Ha. He's barely a man. Come back when your testicles stop hiding. Some people in the crowd cheer, but other people look incredibly bored. The camera shows a frontal view of the bubble, and two white light glares are positioned right where David the Rat's gonads would be, were he a man and not a South American Rat. He holds out his hands into fists in front of him, like he's driving the giant eighteen-wheeler of his career down a ditch. The announcer says that The Rat will hold his breath for almost nine minutes or he'll be "drowned alive." The logo for the show appears in purple letters that look like the back of a cheap casino's card deck. The "D" and "B" in David the Rat's name are back-to-back, creating a real vaginal look. Nice one, Rat. I suddenly want to pay to have sex with the letters in your name.

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Mondo Extra
David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
David On David

Greetings, unwashed fucks. It is I, David. The Copperfield. Master of Illusion. Possessor of Magic's Enormous Jock. Who is David? Me. You thought it was I, but in fact, I was over here, being me. Magic? Illusion? I leave that up to the people who write all the shit that makes up the dictionary. Why do I call you "unwashed fucks" when you've adored me and made me rich beyond my wildest dreams (all right, maybe some of my low-rent dreams)? Because you keep giving attention to that little brown fucktard David Blaine. David Lame. The other David who's not fit to carry my sleepy sleeve dove in his asscrack. That cocksucking, turd-gobbling magical midget! You pay him attention! How do you think that makes me, The Copperfield, feel? Like I'm disappearing right in front of you. And it's no fucking trick.

I'm going to write about this skinny nutsack's prime-time special, Drowned Alive. God. If only. Oh, please, God, let him die next time. Let it go horribly wrong on live TV and let him die with his heavy-lidded eyes suddenly open in shock. Let it be a trick where his head gets chopped off so I can pay someone afterward to do some gravedigging and get me his shrunken raccoon head for my award mantle. Please, God. Do this for Copperfield. Thank you, God. You're awesome, God. I really mean it. Check your collection basket, God. I think you're going to find a special surprise tonight. Amen.

So, let's start this unholy shit. The special starts with a montage of brown ice. Oh, wait, that's David Lame in a block of ice. Doesn't that remind you of those novelty ice cubes with roaches in them? A voice-over jerk calls him "The master magician of our generation." !!! Learn some magic first, jackhole. We get some clips of David Lame in a casino in Vegas doing tricks for amazed and gullible black people. They're just happy to be out of New Orleans. Clips of David Lame's "Street magic" (get a venue, why don't you?) and his death-defying stunts, none of which look very death-defying to me. Try making the Statue of Liberty disappear, dipshit. Then, maybe we can talk. Then we get introduced to his latest bullshit, "One for the history books," but mostly it just looks like a rat in water shot for an artsy rock video in art-directed water. We're told that this guy's gonna try to hold his breath for a record-breaking "excruciating nine minutes," while we see shots of stingrays floating around Blaine on some God-forsaken beach. Sting him! Sting him now! I'll pay you, stingrays. Want some buffet coupons? David the Rat lies on the sand and lets water wash over him. If it were me, I'd have a babe on top of me. This is where David and David differ. A doctor with a foreign accent who's trying to rock an Al Pacino look blah blahs about brain damage and how David the Rat could be a different person at the end of this stunt. Could he be less rat-like? Then I might have something to worry about. We're told that David the Rat's in a big water bubble and will be locked up with chains while he tries to hold his breath. How is this a trick? Give me some chains and a water chamber. I could dunk my ass in there. But, on second thought, I would never do that. Because of the shrinkage. Evel Knievel talks some crap about doing stunts, and then we see David the Rat try to breathe in a coffin like he's some goth kid. Vlad to see you. Ha ha. I just made that up.

The promo clip ends, and we see a New York City crowd gathered live at Lincoln Center. People are cheering, and...wow. That's...that's kind of a lot of people. Well, so what? He probably paid them all! Bums will give you a hand job for $5 in New York. Believe me. I've heard stories. From totally other people. A few grand and anybody could get a crowd like this together. I think there were more people than this for the taping of the last episode of Emeril's sitcom. Ha. That was totally topical. I love me! There's a marble-looking sphere in the middle of Lincoln Center with a giant brown bean inside. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not a bean. That's David the Rat. My bad, Blaine. I'll totally send you a gift basket for that. The camera sails over Blaine's bubble and then around it, and we can see the awful, whiteifying effect that being in the water has had on David the Albino Rat. He's wearing black pants and a facemask, and he's breathing through a regulator. He gets to breathe underwater? No fair! That's not a trick! That's not even real scuba! David the Rat is also wearing these long black gloves like he's one of the women going to a fancy dinner on Dynasty. Ha. He's barely a man. Come back when your testicles stop hiding. Some people in the crowd cheer, but other people look incredibly bored. The camera shows a frontal view of the bubble, and two white light glares are positioned right where David the Rat's gonads would be, were he a man and not a South American Rat. He holds out his hands into fists in front of him, like he's driving the giant eighteen-wheeler of his career down a ditch. The announcer says that The Rat will hold his breath for almost nine minutes or he'll be "drowned alive." The logo for the show appears in purple letters that look like the back of a cheap casino's card deck. The "D" and "B" in David the Rat's name are back-to-back, creating a real vaginal look. Nice one, Rat. I suddenly want to pay to have sex with the letters in your name.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

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