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David Blaine: Drowned Alive

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Omar G: F | Grade It Now!
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David On David

We're now into the second hour, and I'm beginning to believe that writing this is like Blaine doing one of his stunts. Can Copperfield perform this massive act of endurance -- sitting through a David Blaine special? I wish I had trained more. I wish I'd brought on 167 people to help. We hear David the Rat voice-over about losing your mind and how scary it is as he rises from water in an artsy orange-tinted shot. As he looks incredibly scary and red-eyed, his voice-over tries to freak you out with talk of waking nightmares. I think I'm having one right now. He says that thinking something's wrong with your brain is "truly the most horrifying experience EVER!"

Back at Lincoln Center, the crowd is half-heartedly chanting "David! David!" I'm going to assume that's for me. Wish I could have been there, folks. Sorry to disappoint. Stuart tells us that it's almost "go time" and that things have suddenly gotten serious. Yeah, screw that whole week of joking around where we tried to keep a guy alive underwater for seven days. Now, he's going to hold his breath and things might get dangerous! Stuart tries to get us excited about Blaine speaking soon for the first time in a week, but we've been hearing his voice throughout this show and, frankly, it kind of sucks. I love Stuart. He's trying so hard. He knows that this is all just shit, but he's making the most of it. He really wants us to feel like we're not complete tools for watching this. Stuart? I salute you, man. You're so much better than this. And I like your suit. You even remind us not to try any of this at home. Don't set up a giant water bubble in your living room and have your family monitor you as you spend a week in there. It's not worth it!

David Blaine Presents: Sharks! You've seen the Discovery Channel, right? Same shit. He dives into a shark tank with 27 sharks and nothing to cover himself up (except what I suspect is a thong). He floats and pretends to be dead. Try cutting yourself in there, brave guy. The sharks just know that he would taste absolutely awful. He's full of fraud, after all. They leave him alone. Good for you, sharks. You're too good for this, too.

More Vegas tricks. Drunk people are entertained when David the Rat takes a martini glass, chews off a piece of it, grinds the "glass" down with his teeth and swallows. Yeah, I've used the rock sugar martini glasses, too, Blaine. You're not fooling anyone. Only I used them to pay for my mother's surgery when I was trying to put myself through Illusionist School. A big gay guy says, "He swaaaaallowed it!" I bet he did. But getting back to David Blaine -- he tries to get the attention of the bored women by doing a tooth trick. He examines the women around and says that he needs someone with long teeth. He goes for the heavily-made-up planted girl right in front with the big, toothy smile and puts his fingers all over her mouth. She knows exactly what teeth he's going for (not the bottom row, for instance) and lets him pull out her fake teeth. She makes a show of struggling and being scared as David the Rat pulls out a tooth on either side of her front teeth. She pretends to be horrified and runs her tongue over the tooth gaps as everyone around her freaks out. "Oh, my God!" people yell. Blaine keeps saying that she needs to trust him. He examines her mouth, rolls something around in his mouth, then blows right in her face. Her teeth have reappeared. She almost falls over as a guy next to her reacts with joy. People scream and carry on. Well played, Blaine. This is the most entertaining thing in the whole special. Except the parts where you suffer. Blaine makes a show of pretending that he's going to take other people's teeth out and every one acts too scared to let him do it. Drunk people love David Blaine.

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Mondo Extra
David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
David On David

We're now into the second hour, and I'm beginning to believe that writing this is like Blaine doing one of his stunts. Can Copperfield perform this massive act of endurance -- sitting through a David Blaine special? I wish I had trained more. I wish I'd brought on 167 people to help. We hear David the Rat voice-over about losing your mind and how scary it is as he rises from water in an artsy orange-tinted shot. As he looks incredibly scary and red-eyed, his voice-over tries to freak you out with talk of waking nightmares. I think I'm having one right now. He says that thinking something's wrong with your brain is "truly the most horrifying experience EVER!"

Back at Lincoln Center, the crowd is half-heartedly chanting "David! David!" I'm going to assume that's for me. Wish I could have been there, folks. Sorry to disappoint. Stuart tells us that it's almost "go time" and that things have suddenly gotten serious. Yeah, screw that whole week of joking around where we tried to keep a guy alive underwater for seven days. Now, he's going to hold his breath and things might get dangerous! Stuart tries to get us excited about Blaine speaking soon for the first time in a week, but we've been hearing his voice throughout this show and, frankly, it kind of sucks. I love Stuart. He's trying so hard. He knows that this is all just shit, but he's making the most of it. He really wants us to feel like we're not complete tools for watching this. Stuart? I salute you, man. You're so much better than this. And I like your suit. You even remind us not to try any of this at home. Don't set up a giant water bubble in your living room and have your family monitor you as you spend a week in there. It's not worth it!

David Blaine Presents: Sharks! You've seen the Discovery Channel, right? Same shit. He dives into a shark tank with 27 sharks and nothing to cover himself up (except what I suspect is a thong). He floats and pretends to be dead. Try cutting yourself in there, brave guy. The sharks just know that he would taste absolutely awful. He's full of fraud, after all. They leave him alone. Good for you, sharks. You're too good for this, too.

More Vegas tricks. Drunk people are entertained when David the Rat takes a martini glass, chews off a piece of it, grinds the "glass" down with his teeth and swallows. Yeah, I've used the rock sugar martini glasses, too, Blaine. You're not fooling anyone. Only I used them to pay for my mother's surgery when I was trying to put myself through Illusionist School. A big gay guy says, "He swaaaaallowed it!" I bet he did. But getting back to David Blaine -- he tries to get the attention of the bored women by doing a tooth trick. He examines the women around and says that he needs someone with long teeth. He goes for the heavily-made-up planted girl right in front with the big, toothy smile and puts his fingers all over her mouth. She knows exactly what teeth he's going for (not the bottom row, for instance) and lets him pull out her fake teeth. She makes a show of struggling and being scared as David the Rat pulls out a tooth on either side of her front teeth. She pretends to be horrified and runs her tongue over the tooth gaps as everyone around her freaks out. "Oh, my God!" people yell. Blaine keeps saying that she needs to trust him. He examines her mouth, rolls something around in his mouth, then blows right in her face. Her teeth have reappeared. She almost falls over as a guy next to her reacts with joy. People scream and carry on. Well played, Blaine. This is the most entertaining thing in the whole special. Except the parts where you suffer. Blaine makes a show of pretending that he's going to take other people's teeth out and every one acts too scared to let him do it. Drunk people love David Blaine.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

Mondo Extra

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