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David Blaine: Drowned Alive

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Omar G: F | Grade It Now!
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David On David

Somebody shoves a little headset microphone in David the Rat's face. With a lot of wasted emotion, he sputters, "I am humbled so much...(sniff) by the support of everyone from New York City (sniff) and from all over the world." He cries. It's really shameful. Boo. Blaine continues, "This was a really tough week, but you all made it fly by with your strong spirit...your energy. Thank you so much everybody." He totally loses it: "And thank you all and I love you all." The crying gets full blown and I just want to kick his ass. So badly. He waves again and breaks down. The crowd eats it up. Stuart says the official time was seven minutes, eight seconds. More pathetic crying. "Not what he wanted," Stuart says, but he notes that David the Rat did spend more time underwater than any human ever. Any live human?

The helpers bring David the Rat down off the platform. He tries to walk down the stairs, but he's so weak -- it's very slow. He stands, holding the rail, and waves. More big cheers. Sickening. More slow walking down some stairs. Stuart gushes at how amazing it is that the dude can walk, and admires Blaine's endurance. When did they remove the pee tube from his wang? He walks, weakly. They bring him to another microphone. He walks with it, assisted by Dr. Pacino and Czech Republic. More waving. They bring him to a stretcher. Credits start to roll. David the Rat drops some sort of language bomb, and says, "Jesus --" and there's a bit of silence as the censor cuts off "motherfucking Christ," or whatever he tried to slip through. They take off his gloves and ask whether he can feel his fingers. Pruney. His fingers are numb. "Crazy, huh?" David the Rat says. More blankets on him. Stuart says that David the Shriveled Rat didn't accomplish what he set out to accomplish, but that nobody thinks he failed. Except me, Copperfield! Fuck failure! Music plays. Hilariously, as Stuart is wrapping it up and telling us goodnight from ABC and trying to get in "Seven minutes, eight seconds," a pre-recorded voice-over says, "This has been David Blaine" and they both get cut off at the same time by a commercial! Hilarious! Botched production! We close on the image of the crowd already going home to do something way more interesting, and David the Rat, looking dejected, and the bubble is still foamy from Blaine-algae.

And that's it. Blaine failed, the legacy of Copperfield is assured, and it's no more Blaine for at least a few months until the rat figures out what stupid thing to do next. For now, I'm happy. Do I find his failure delicious? I may not eat for a week.

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
David On David

Somebody shoves a little headset microphone in David the Rat's face. With a lot of wasted emotion, he sputters, "I am humbled so much...(sniff) by the support of everyone from New York City (sniff) and from all over the world." He cries. It's really shameful. Boo. Blaine continues, "This was a really tough week, but you all made it fly by with your strong spirit...your energy. Thank you so much everybody." He totally loses it: "And thank you all and I love you all." The crying gets full blown and I just want to kick his ass. So badly. He waves again and breaks down. The crowd eats it up. Stuart says the official time was seven minutes, eight seconds. More pathetic crying. "Not what he wanted," Stuart says, but he notes that David the Rat did spend more time underwater than any human ever. Any live human?

The helpers bring David the Rat down off the platform. He tries to walk down the stairs, but he's so weak -- it's very slow. He stands, holding the rail, and waves. More big cheers. Sickening. More slow walking down some stairs. Stuart gushes at how amazing it is that the dude can walk, and admires Blaine's endurance. When did they remove the pee tube from his wang? He walks, weakly. They bring him to another microphone. He walks with it, assisted by Dr. Pacino and Czech Republic. More waving. They bring him to a stretcher. Credits start to roll. David the Rat drops some sort of language bomb, and says, "Jesus --" and there's a bit of silence as the censor cuts off "motherfucking Christ," or whatever he tried to slip through. They take off his gloves and ask whether he can feel his fingers. Pruney. His fingers are numb. "Crazy, huh?" David the Rat says. More blankets on him. Stuart says that David the Shriveled Rat didn't accomplish what he set out to accomplish, but that nobody thinks he failed. Except me, Copperfield! Fuck failure! Music plays. Hilariously, as Stuart is wrapping it up and telling us goodnight from ABC and trying to get in "Seven minutes, eight seconds," a pre-recorded voice-over says, "This has been David Blaine" and they both get cut off at the same time by a commercial! Hilarious! Botched production! We close on the image of the crowd already going home to do something way more interesting, and David the Rat, looking dejected, and the bubble is still foamy from Blaine-algae.

And that's it. Blaine failed, the legacy of Copperfield is assured, and it's no more Blaine for at least a few months until the rat figures out what stupid thing to do next. For now, I'm happy. Do I find his failure delicious? I may not eat for a week.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Mondo Extra

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