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David Blaine: Drowned Alive

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David On David

The next trick is called "Vertigo," and it lasted thirty-five hours in 2002. He stood on a pole for a long time. Spectators call him "badass." Fiona Apple stares up, gets totally freaked out, and puts off releasing her album for another year. "I think he's cute," a policewoman lies. "I think he's nuts," a policeman says. Blaine steps off the pole and lands in a huge area of cushions. Stuntmen do this every single day. In a familiar sight, he's carried off by helpers and looks both overly serious and weak. How are you a man at all? He holds up a Brown Power fist. It is so far beyond lame that you have to get the next exit and circle back on the access road for days before getting back to lame.

Next trick: in England, David the Lame is suspended up in the air in a glass case for forty-four days with only water to survive. Kids cheer. Blaine complains that a few people lashed out and that a lot of people threw things at his cage. Ha ha. That is awesome. I love you, England. Blimey, dudes. Totally fucking blimey. He says that he became delirious from food deprivation and lack of human contact. I get like that when I haven't had my knob polished for a few hours. Sometimes I stand on a crowded street and yell, proclaiming myself the Aspirin King of Lethargia. I wish I knew why. David the Lame says again that it was worth it to see the huge turnout of people. I say we convince him that there'd be an even bigger crowd if he actually planned to kill himself. People cheer. David the Lame, looking like a dirty Q-Tip, emerges crying from the lowered cage. He says that trick almost killed him and that if he had done the original fifty days he'd planned, he would have never come back. We see David the Lame hooked up to medical equipment. Where's Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?

Back in Lincoln Center. Stuart says that there are medical complications in this trick that may surprise you. He challenges the audience to hold its breath during the commercial break. They promise to tell you how long you last when they come back. Then they will drive you to the hospital when your brain has died.

Four minutes later. David the Rat is still standing in water. We get the first glimpse of Kirk Krack, David the Rat's coach, who is standing next to the bubble giving instructions for breathing. First, you breathe in. Then, you breathe out. Brilliant. I'm stealing this guy. He's talking into a little headset and encouraging David the Rat to relax and slow his heart rate down. Where are the doves? Where's the tits? This is turning magic into a Lamaze class! Stuart says that Krack is one of the top diving coaches in the world, and then introduces two world diving champs, one from the Czech Republic, the other from Canada. The Canadian girl, whom I would bang if she promised to be dirty, says that they're doing a "typical breathe-out" to re-oxygenate David the Rat's body. The Czech guy, whom I might bang if I were in magicians' prison, says that David the Rat doesn't have the ideal body type for doing this. Stuart stops him in fake surprise and asks what that means. Apparently, David the Rat's massive muscles (which I can't see) mean he needs more oxygen. Ideally, it would be some skinny guy with big lungs. Like Maroon 5's Adam Levine or James Blunt. The Czech guy says that the bigger challenges are not having food and sleep for the last week. Stuart whores himself again by saying that David the Rat's training is about "mind, body and soul." You know the thing about a rat's soul? It's very tiny.

In another video, we go to dismally shot clinic scenes of David the Rat being examined by his veterinarian. He stands on a scale and reveals that he was horribly overweight and out of shape. The scale says that he's 223 pounds, but I have a hard time believing he's that heavy and has a 39-inch waist. What is he, eight feet tall? I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh. It's none of your business. And no, I haven't gotten "a little bloaty" the last couple of years. Stop looking at me! Fuck you all! I will make you disappear! And not with magic, either! David the Fat Rat says that the last trick he did wreaked havoc on his metabolism and caused him to blow up as if he were the husband on an ABC sitcom married to a hot wife. David the Puffy Rat and his distended belly are shown walking from one room to the next in the clinic, and we see his giant Jesus on the cross tattoo on his saggy bare back. I'm not going to say that's a dead giveaway as to his predisposition but...oh, damn, I just did. He says that he had to lose forty pounds of fat and muscle. I keep saying we should cut off his head, don't I? Problem solved. We got to an overly artsy shot of David the Rat's Soloflex Dungeon of Muscle Mass Loss. He says that he has to do more reps and less weights to get there. My rule of thumb is to always do more reps with things of less weight. With my cock. Oh, I love you, Vegas. David the Rat lifts his weights while I sit and eat popcorn. Who's stupid now, huh? Ha ha. All this exercise is really -- you know what? This popcorn needs more butter.

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
David On David

The next trick is called "Vertigo," and it lasted thirty-five hours in 2002. He stood on a pole for a long time. Spectators call him "badass." Fiona Apple stares up, gets totally freaked out, and puts off releasing her album for another year. "I think he's cute," a policewoman lies. "I think he's nuts," a policeman says. Blaine steps off the pole and lands in a huge area of cushions. Stuntmen do this every single day. In a familiar sight, he's carried off by helpers and looks both overly serious and weak. How are you a man at all? He holds up a Brown Power fist. It is so far beyond lame that you have to get the next exit and circle back on the access road for days before getting back to lame.

Next trick: in England, David the Lame is suspended up in the air in a glass case for forty-four days with only water to survive. Kids cheer. Blaine complains that a few people lashed out and that a lot of people threw things at his cage. Ha ha. That is awesome. I love you, England. Blimey, dudes. Totally fucking blimey. He says that he became delirious from food deprivation and lack of human contact. I get like that when I haven't had my knob polished for a few hours. Sometimes I stand on a crowded street and yell, proclaiming myself the Aspirin King of Lethargia. I wish I knew why. David the Lame says again that it was worth it to see the huge turnout of people. I say we convince him that there'd be an even bigger crowd if he actually planned to kill himself. People cheer. David the Lame, looking like a dirty Q-Tip, emerges crying from the lowered cage. He says that trick almost killed him and that if he had done the original fifty days he'd planned, he would have never come back. We see David the Lame hooked up to medical equipment. Where's Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?

Back in Lincoln Center. Stuart says that there are medical complications in this trick that may surprise you. He challenges the audience to hold its breath during the commercial break. They promise to tell you how long you last when they come back. Then they will drive you to the hospital when your brain has died.

Four minutes later. David the Rat is still standing in water. We get the first glimpse of Kirk Krack, David the Rat's coach, who is standing next to the bubble giving instructions for breathing. First, you breathe in. Then, you breathe out. Brilliant. I'm stealing this guy. He's talking into a little headset and encouraging David the Rat to relax and slow his heart rate down. Where are the doves? Where's the tits? This is turning magic into a Lamaze class! Stuart says that Krack is one of the top diving coaches in the world, and then introduces two world diving champs, one from the Czech Republic, the other from Canada. The Canadian girl, whom I would bang if she promised to be dirty, says that they're doing a "typical breathe-out" to re-oxygenate David the Rat's body. The Czech guy, whom I might bang if I were in magicians' prison, says that David the Rat doesn't have the ideal body type for doing this. Stuart stops him in fake surprise and asks what that means. Apparently, David the Rat's massive muscles (which I can't see) mean he needs more oxygen. Ideally, it would be some skinny guy with big lungs. Like Maroon 5's Adam Levine or James Blunt. The Czech guy says that the bigger challenges are not having food and sleep for the last week. Stuart whores himself again by saying that David the Rat's training is about "mind, body and soul." You know the thing about a rat's soul? It's very tiny.

In another video, we go to dismally shot clinic scenes of David the Rat being examined by his veterinarian. He stands on a scale and reveals that he was horribly overweight and out of shape. The scale says that he's 223 pounds, but I have a hard time believing he's that heavy and has a 39-inch waist. What is he, eight feet tall? I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh. It's none of your business. And no, I haven't gotten "a little bloaty" the last couple of years. Stop looking at me! Fuck you all! I will make you disappear! And not with magic, either! David the Fat Rat says that the last trick he did wreaked havoc on his metabolism and caused him to blow up as if he were the husband on an ABC sitcom married to a hot wife. David the Puffy Rat and his distended belly are shown walking from one room to the next in the clinic, and we see his giant Jesus on the cross tattoo on his saggy bare back. I'm not going to say that's a dead giveaway as to his predisposition but...oh, damn, I just did. He says that he had to lose forty pounds of fat and muscle. I keep saying we should cut off his head, don't I? Problem solved. We got to an overly artsy shot of David the Rat's Soloflex Dungeon of Muscle Mass Loss. He says that he has to do more reps and less weights to get there. My rule of thumb is to always do more reps with things of less weight. With my cock. Oh, I love you, Vegas. David the Rat lifts his weights while I sit and eat popcorn. Who's stupid now, huh? Ha ha. All this exercise is really -- you know what? This popcorn needs more butter.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

Mondo Extra

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