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David Blaine: Drowned Alive

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Omar G: F | Grade It Now!
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David On David

Back at Lincoln Center. Stuart has to read terrible lines that say how this rat is going from gambling with poker chips to gambling with his life. Unforgivable, my friend. You are Stuart the Sellout.

After some commercials, we get Carmina Burana music, a ripple in water, and then David the Rat emerging from the water and right at us with his arms outstretched. It's the second gayest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I used to open for Siegfried and Roy. It cuts to Lincoln Center, where everyone is still standing around, bored. We visit with David the Rat's doctor. He says that Blaine failed every physiological lung test they put him through for this. An expert told the doctor that people can't fly and they can't breath underwater or rewrite physiology. What does it say about this doctor that he agreed to participate in this event anyway? "I am one concerned doctor," he says. So concerned that he's just going to stand over here and watch.

We're told there are three tents: one for water filtration; one for air supply (it's all out of love) and life support; and the third for monitoring vitals. We see ancient-looking gauges that are keeping this guy alive. What I wouldn't give to be in that tent right now with a pair of wire clippers.

Canada and Czech Republic reveal that they're the rescue divers for this stunt. They demonstrate how they'll fish the magic turd out of his bowl. Czech Republic gets a major hand in his face from his partner as she shows how they'll open up Blaine's airway. She blows in the dude's face and taps his cheek, just like they plan to do for David the Rat. I don't think this is part of their training at all; I think she just wants to have sex with Mr. Czech Republic. This is way more interesting than some water stunt. They go off to get into their wet suits on. Man. That is so hot.

Another boring video. David the Rat travels to the Rockies to meet a guy who cut off his own arm to escape being pinned for six days under a boulder. They walk together in heavy snow. David the Rat is only wearing his black t-shirt. Are you trying to impress the guy who cut off his own arm? Because I think you're going to lose this one. The guy, who looks like Matt Stone from South Park, explains how he knew he couldn't saw the bone off with his little pocket knife. He heard a clear voice that said to use the boulder to break the bone. This guy has the biggest balls ever. He tells his story, using his claw-hook to explain. Put on a goddamned jacket, David. You're not fooling anyone. The one-armed man says that he felt joy when his bones broke because it meant he could escape. "This is doable!" David the Rat interjects, trying to go along with the story. Shut up, man. Let the guy have his "I tore off my own arm" story, you jackal. David the Rat reads back quotes from a news story of this guy saying it was a hundred times worse than any pain he'd ever felt, but also beautiful. Yeah, I can see that. "It gave me my life back," Armless Matt Stone says. David the Snow Rat says he's amazing, and it looks for one scary moment like he's going to try to shake the guy's hand. Instead, they hug. Thus ends the "Armless Colorado Dude" segment.

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
David Blaine: Drowned Alive

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
David On David

Back at Lincoln Center. Stuart has to read terrible lines that say how this rat is going from gambling with poker chips to gambling with his life. Unforgivable, my friend. You are Stuart the Sellout.

After some commercials, we get Carmina Burana music, a ripple in water, and then David the Rat emerging from the water and right at us with his arms outstretched. It's the second gayest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I used to open for Siegfried and Roy. It cuts to Lincoln Center, where everyone is still standing around, bored. We visit with David the Rat's doctor. He says that Blaine failed every physiological lung test they put him through for this. An expert told the doctor that people can't fly and they can't breath underwater or rewrite physiology. What does it say about this doctor that he agreed to participate in this event anyway? "I am one concerned doctor," he says. So concerned that he's just going to stand over here and watch.

We're told there are three tents: one for water filtration; one for air supply (it's all out of love) and life support; and the third for monitoring vitals. We see ancient-looking gauges that are keeping this guy alive. What I wouldn't give to be in that tent right now with a pair of wire clippers.

Canada and Czech Republic reveal that they're the rescue divers for this stunt. They demonstrate how they'll fish the magic turd out of his bowl. Czech Republic gets a major hand in his face from his partner as she shows how they'll open up Blaine's airway. She blows in the dude's face and taps his cheek, just like they plan to do for David the Rat. I don't think this is part of their training at all; I think she just wants to have sex with Mr. Czech Republic. This is way more interesting than some water stunt. They go off to get into their wet suits on. Man. That is so hot.

Another boring video. David the Rat travels to the Rockies to meet a guy who cut off his own arm to escape being pinned for six days under a boulder. They walk together in heavy snow. David the Rat is only wearing his black t-shirt. Are you trying to impress the guy who cut off his own arm? Because I think you're going to lose this one. The guy, who looks like Matt Stone from South Park, explains how he knew he couldn't saw the bone off with his little pocket knife. He heard a clear voice that said to use the boulder to break the bone. This guy has the biggest balls ever. He tells his story, using his claw-hook to explain. Put on a goddamned jacket, David. You're not fooling anyone. The one-armed man says that he felt joy when his bones broke because it meant he could escape. "This is doable!" David the Rat interjects, trying to go along with the story. Shut up, man. Let the guy have his "I tore off my own arm" story, you jackal. David the Rat reads back quotes from a news story of this guy saying it was a hundred times worse than any pain he'd ever felt, but also beautiful. Yeah, I can see that. "It gave me my life back," Armless Matt Stone says. David the Snow Rat says he's amazing, and it looks for one scary moment like he's going to try to shake the guy's hand. Instead, they hug. Thus ends the "Armless Colorado Dude" segment.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

Mondo Extra

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