MONDO EXTRAS

Or perhaps Dune 2000

by admin December 5, 2000
Dune Part One: Dune

Cut to Paul and Jessica lying in the desert. Paul tells her that Sleepo is dead. She cries. There's hugging and consoling. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a distinctly non-mother/son dynamic off this scene. Methinks there might have been some Greg Brady-style shenanigans happening on that set. He tells her they must find shelter. They run across the desert. Oh, please. Who are we kidding? They run across a sandbox with a painting of a desert behind them. Suddenly a thopter lands in front of them. Kynes is flying. The hell? In the book, he's already dead at this point. Commercial. Sun Microsystems Star Trek trailer. Yay!

The thopter lands and Kynes, Paul, and Jessica emerge. They're met by Duncan, who is also supposed to be dead by now. I cannot believe they advertised this as being faithful to the book. Dramatic license I can understand, especially given the scope of the story, but this is ridiculous. It doesn't even add anything to we couldn't have gotten from any other character. Especially considering what happens at the beginning of Part Two. Anyway, they go into some caves. Duncan gives Paul his father's signet ring. This brings home the awful truth to Jessica, who sobs mightily.

In the background, one of the Fremen calls Kynes Liet, and Paul realizes that Kynes has been the secret prophet all along. He snits. Then he snots. If snutting, snatting, or snetting are words, he does those too. Outside, a pair of Harkonnen fliers approach. They have a much cooler design than the Atreides model, while still retaining the insect-like feel of an ornithopter. Paul and Jessica are bundled into their own thopter. Duncan and Kynes stay behind to die like they should have twenty minutes ago.

Paul takes off. The Harkonnens bomb the sietch. Duncan gets blasted across the screen. The fliers chase after Paul. We get an Independence Day-style canyon chase. Of course Devlin and Emmerich just ripped off the trench scene from Star Wars, so I guess it's a Star Wars-style canyon chase. Then again, Lucas just ripped off Stratofortress, so I guess it's a...never mind. There's a canyon chase. That's all you need to know. They spot a sand storm on the horizon. Jessica says if they fly into the storm, they'll die. Paul points out woodenly that it's their only chance. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss Kyle MacLachlan. Hell, I'd rather be watching Showgirls right now. As they fly into the storm, we fade out. Princess Irulan's pretentious voice-over tells us that the saga of Dune is far from over. Don't remind me.

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Or perhaps Dune 2000

by admin December 5, 2000
Dune Part One: Dune We come back to the Baron and Yueh arguing. He wants to be reunited with his wife as payment for his treachery. The Baron agrees, and wheels in his wife's corpse, which is encased in glass. Before Yueh can react, Piter kills him. Reunited, and it feels so good. Ian McNeice gets off a hilarious facial expression in the background. If you were weird enough to tape this (and once again, I include myself), go back and check it out. It's a keeper. Duke Sleepo is seated in a chair, watching all this. Yueh's dart has paralyzed him. I'm telling you that because there's really no difference from how Hurt normally acts. The Baron explains that Paul and Jessica have been dumped in the desert where they will surely perish, thus leaving no loose ends. Loyal readers know, of course, that the Bene Gesserit have a saying: "Never count a man dead until you've seen his body. And even then you can make a mistake." The Bene Gesserit have much cooler sayings than we puny ancients. The Baron keeps babbling. He uses the word "kanly" as another sop to those of us who've read. Sleepo lures him closer by whispering. Then he bites the tooth and exhales the poisoned gas. The Baron flies backward in a CGI shot so bad I can actually see the wires. He survives, of course, but Sleepo and Piter have gone to the big bad actor's retreat in the sky. The Baron giggles madly. Cut to Paul and Jessica lying in the desert. Paul tells her that Sleepo is dead. She cries. There's hugging and consoling. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a distinctly non-mother/son dynamic off this scene. Methinks there might have been some Greg Brady-style shenanigans happening on that set. He tells her they must find shelter. They run across the desert. Oh, please. Who are we kidding? They run across a sandbox with a painting of a desert behind them. Suddenly a thopter lands in front of them. Kynes is flying. The hell? In the book, he's already dead at this point. Commercial. Sun Microsystems Star Trek trailer. Yay! The thopter lands and Kynes, Paul, and Jessica emerge. They're met by Duncan, who is also supposed to be dead by now. I cannot believe they advertised this as being faithful to the book. Dramatic license I can understand, especially given the scope of the story, but this is ridiculous. It doesn't even add anything to we couldn't have gotten from any other character. Especially considering what happens at the beginning of Part Two. Anyway, they go into some caves. Duncan gives Paul his father's signet ring. This brings home the awful truth to Jessica, who sobs mightily.

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