MONDO EXTRAS

Or perhaps Dune 2000

by Aaron December 5, 2000
Dune Part One: Dune

Suddenly there's a bizarre action montage of clips from the rest of the show. Lots of running and low-rent explosions. I get confused again, wondering why they're airing promos after the opening credits. Then I realize that SciFi is running their $20 million dollar, all-star (actually, "one-star") movie-event extravaganza the week AFTER sweeps, which indicates that not only does their timing suck, but apparently so will the movie. The montage wraps up with Bill Hurt turning mysteriously to face the camera as his skin melts away, leaving only a skull. Suddenly, Paul bolts upright in bed, screaming. It was all just a nightmare. His is over. Mine still has five hours and fifty-eight minutes to go. By the way, Paul looks to be about thirty here, instead of the fifteen he is in the book. I read an interview with the director where he said they couldn't find any talented teen-aged actors for the role. Clearly, this guy watches the WB even more than we do.

Paul stumbles out of bed. For some reason, there's a guy in a pointy purple hat giving a civics lecture in his bedroom. While my meager brain cells are still going "Huh?" Paul launches a shirt at him, and he shrinks down to about a quarter of his original size. Ahh, a hologram. Lady Jessica enters and shuts off the Pointy Purple Hat Guy. Since they don't bother to explain, I'll just mention now that Jessica is Paul's mother. She tries to excite him at the prospect of heading to Arrakis, but he's too snotty to care. "I eat responsibility for breakfast, and duty for dinner," he whines. Spell that last one a little differently, and you've got an apt metaphor for his acting skills as well. Annoying Loudspeaker Lady (who should have been the one billed above the title, since she's in it so much) comes on to tell all Atreides to prepare for departure. Instead of, oh I don't know, packing or something, Jessica tells Paul that he must meet with the Reverend Mother. Paul wants to know why she seems scared.

They enter a chamber where the Reverend Mother is seated on a throne, in front of what appears to be a giant blue lava lamp. Dude, I'd be scared of that hat too, if I were Jessica. It's one of those geisha-style fan things that sticks up from the back of your neck, but it's huge. And scary. Jessica and the RevMo chat about Paul for a moment; then she commands him to come closer, using The Voice. Again, there's no explanation for the newbies. If I hadn't read the book, I'd think there was a problem with the sound on my TV. Paul resists. RevMo is impressed. I get bored. There's been a lot of talk about how they needed a full six hours to tell the whole story of Dune, but apparently five-and-a-half of those hours are going to be filled with awkward dramatic pauses. RevMo dismisses Jessica, which prompts Paul to snot, "Since when is it acceptable to treat the Lady Jessica like a servant?" "The Lady Jessica was my servant," replies RevMo. It's a good line, and it's the first one they've used straight from the book. Except in the book, they say "serving wench," which is funnier.

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Comments

Or perhaps Dune 2000

by Aaron December 5, 2000
Dune Part One: Dune Suddenly there's a bizarre action montage of clips from the rest of the show. Lots of running and low-rent explosions. I get confused again, wondering why they're airing promos after the opening credits. Then I realize that SciFi is running their $20 million dollar, all-star (actually, "one-star") movie-event extravaganza the week AFTER sweeps, which indicates that not only does their timing suck, but apparently so will the movie. The montage wraps up with Bill Hurt turning mysteriously to face the camera as his skin melts away, leaving only a skull. Suddenly, Paul bolts upright in bed, screaming. It was all just a nightmare. His is over. Mine still has five hours and fifty-eight minutes to go. By the way, Paul looks to be about thirty here, instead of the fifteen he is in the book. I read an interview with the director where he said they couldn't find any talented teen-aged actors for the role. Clearly, this guy watches the WB even more than we do. Paul stumbles out of bed. For some reason, there's a guy in a pointy purple hat giving a civics lecture in his bedroom. While my meager brain cells are still going "Huh?" Paul launches a shirt at him, and he shrinks down to about a quarter of his original size. Ahh, a hologram. Lady Jessica enters and shuts off the Pointy Purple Hat Guy. Since they don't bother to explain, I'll just mention now that Jessica is Paul's mother. She tries to excite him at the prospect of heading to Arrakis, but he's too snotty to care. "I eat responsibility for breakfast, and duty for dinner," he whines. Spell that last one a little differently, and you've got an apt metaphor for his acting skills as well. Annoying Loudspeaker Lady (who should have been the one billed above the title, since she's in it so much) comes on to tell all Atreides to prepare for departure. Instead of, oh I don't know, packing or something, Jessica tells Paul that he must meet with the Reverend Mother. Paul wants to know why she seems scared. They enter a chamber where the Reverend Mother is seated on a throne, in front of what appears to be a giant blue lava lamp. Dude, I'd be scared of that hat too, if I were Jessica. It's one of those geisha-style fan things that sticks up from the back of your neck, but it's huge. And scary. Jessica and the RevMo chat about Paul for a moment; then she commands him to come closer, using The Voice. Again, there's no explanation for the newbies. If I hadn't read the book, I'd think there was a problem with the sound on my TV. Paul resists. RevMo is impressed. I get bored. There's been a lot of talk about how they needed a full six hours to tell the whole story of Dune, but apparently five-and-a-half of those hours are going to be filled with awkward dramatic pauses. RevMo dismisses Jessica, which prompts Paul to snot, "Since when is it acceptable to treat the Lady Jessica like a servant?" "The Lady Jessica was my servant," replies RevMo. It's a good line, and it's the first one they've used straight from the book. Except in the book, they say "serving wench," which is funnier.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

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Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

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