MONDO EXTRAS

Everything you know is wrong

by admin December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet

Previously on Dune: Sleepo died. Paul killed Jamis. Then he spotted Gurney, raised an army, bedded Chani, and ogled an orgy. This kid is good.

Okay, on with the recap. Same credits. Same voice-over. I eschew the déjà vu since we're through with Part Two. I will continue to rhyme. At least it's not mime.

We open on Arrakis, as a Harkonnen with a suspiciously Australian accent is supervising the loading of a Spice cargo ship. In the background, a sneaky guy sneaks around sneakily. He's got Nike sneakers, and a Performance Fleece stillsuit, so he must be a Fremen. He plants a bomb under one of the ships, and sneaks back out. Except the bomb has a huge flashing red light on it, which draws the attention of Harkonnen Dundee. What's the point in having a sneaky guy sneak in to plant the bomb snugly if it's gonna glow all snazzy in the dark? I need a snack. Mmm…peanut butter and jelly.

Anyway, the bomb explodes, sending a guy flying across the screen. After getting used to the rhyming in Part Two, you should have no trouble getting used to seeing this shot. I hope so, because you'll be seeing it again. You've also already seen it before, twice in Part One and once in Part Two. I just didn't notice it until now. The Sneaky Guy sneaks out into the town around the hangar, as a handful of Harkonnens chase after him. He dodges them, but then ends up face to face with a single Harkonnen. Sneaky Guy thinks about shooting him with a wrist crossbow stolen straight from the Angel weapons locker, but before he can, a little kid stabs the Harkonnen with a crys-knife. The kid sends Sneaky Guy on his way by snitching that there are secret tunnels out of town. Some Extras cheer. My upstairs neighbor calls Dr. Seuss's widow and they file a joint lawsuit against me.

Cut to the rocks outside the city. Stilgar and Paul look down on the fake smoke rising from a fake painting of a hangar and argue. Stilgar wants to attack in force now. Paul says it's not time. Snottily, of course. Inside, Stilgar tells Paul they've found something. It turns out to be Duke Sleepo's blackened skull. I can't believe the writers are turning a little one-line aside in the book into a major plot point. Oh wait. Irulan. Never mind. I also can't believe I blew my wad on the "Alas, poor Yorick" jokes in Part One. That's what happens when you write it before Part Three even airs. Definitely a second-time recapper's mistake. Chani tells Paul that the men think the skull is an omen. Of what, exactly? That Paul will be sticking his head in the microwave as some sort of Infinite Jest? That's funnier if you've read that book. But not as funny as the RevMo's hats.

Geidi Prague. Fey is called in to see the Baron, who has a naked dead guy in his bed. Maybe I am recapping Queer as Folk. Turns out that Fey tried to use the slave boy to assassinate the Baron. There's a poison needle implanted in his thigh. Fey and the Baron bicker, and the Baron explains his plan to Fey as a reason why he should be kept alive. Basically, the Baron will let Spice production fall until the Emperor is forced to go to Arrakis. Then he'll stage a coup, and Fey will be Emperor someday. Fey agrees to back off. The Baron rhymes us out: "They call us swine, but the throne will be mine." I need more wine. Fey needs a spine. Plus, it was a crappy line. What? I should stop, you whine? Okay, fine.

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Everything you know is wrong

by admin December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet Previously on Dune: Sleepo died. Paul killed Jamis. Then he spotted Gurney, raised an army, bedded Chani, and ogled an orgy. This kid is good. Okay, on with the recap. Same credits. Same voice-over. I eschew the déjà vu since we're through with Part Two. I will continue to rhyme. At least it's not mime. We open on Arrakis, as a Harkonnen with a suspiciously Australian accent is supervising the loading of a Spice cargo ship. In the background, a sneaky guy sneaks around sneakily. He's got Nike sneakers, and a Performance Fleece stillsuit, so he must be a Fremen. He plants a bomb under one of the ships, and sneaks back out. Except the bomb has a huge flashing red light on it, which draws the attention of Harkonnen Dundee. What's the point in having a sneaky guy sneak in to plant the bomb snugly if it's gonna glow all snazzy in the dark? I need a snack. Mmm…peanut butter and jelly. Anyway, the bomb explodes, sending a guy flying across the screen. After getting used to the rhyming in Part Two, you should have no trouble getting used to seeing this shot. I hope so, because you'll be seeing it again. You've also already seen it before, twice in Part One and once in Part Two. I just didn't notice it until now. The Sneaky Guy sneaks out into the town around the hangar, as a handful of Harkonnens chase after him. He dodges them, but then ends up face to face with a single Harkonnen. Sneaky Guy thinks about shooting him with a wrist crossbow stolen straight from the Angel weapons locker, but before he can, a little kid stabs the Harkonnen with a crys-knife. The kid sends Sneaky Guy on his way by snitching that there are secret tunnels out of town. Some Extras cheer. My upstairs neighbor calls Dr. Seuss's widow and they file a joint lawsuit against me. Cut to the rocks outside the city. Stilgar and Paul look down on the fake smoke rising from a fake painting of a hangar and argue. Stilgar wants to attack in force now. Paul says it's not time. Snottily, of course. Inside, Stilgar tells Paul they've found something. It turns out to be Duke Sleepo's blackened skull. I can't believe the writers are turning a little one-line aside in the book into a major plot point. Oh wait. Irulan. Never mind. I also can't believe I blew my wad on the "Alas, poor Yorick" jokes in Part One. That's what happens when you write it before Part Three even airs. Definitely a second-time recapper's mistake. Chani tells Paul that the men think the skull is an omen. Of what, exactly? That Paul will be sticking his head in the microwave as some sort of Infinite Jest? That's funnier if you've read that book. But not as funny as the RevMo's hats.

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