MONDO EXTRAS

Everything you know is wrong

by Aaron December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet

We come back to an aerial shot of Paul and the Gang riding the worm. It's a thopter, and Gurney comments that it's the biggest worm he's ever seen. I guess they're too high to see the light reflecting off Stilgar's bald spot. They find some Spice and set down. Gurney gets a few lines to make him look like a tough warrior. Actually, he looks like he just got up to fetch another beer during the commercials on Smackdown. Couldn't he at least have been the bald one? Anyway, the Spice patch is fake. Fremen burst from the sand. After a brief fight, Paul recognizes Gurney. Blah blah touching reunion-cakes. I like the crème-filled ones. Gurney gets off the "you young pup" line. Paul introduces Stilgar, who calls him Muad'Dib. Gurney is shocked to learn that his young pupil is a feared religious zealot. Imagine how David Koresh's Sunday School teacher must have felt. I wonder if he was allowed to wear jeans?

Inside, Gurney makes small talk. He's glad to see Paul has a girlfriend. The Atreides are all gone. And oh yeah, there was something about a traitor. Gurney swears vengeance, but the lingering camera makes me think he doth protest too much. I don't yet know how wrong I am. Well, actually I do, but work with me on this one, people. Gurney signs up to fight with Paul.

The Emperor's new clothes are actually his old ones from Part One. I guess they had a shiny pink spandex double-coupon. He's discussing foreign policy with Irulan. He knows the Baron's plan, and he's not about to fall for it. Only he totally does, but that's not for another hour. And the Baron's plan isn't even the Baron's plan from the book, which means he's even dumber for falling for it. Anyway, Irulan talks about how there's lots of Fremen. That's related to the whole falling-for-the-plan thing, but it's still pretty boring. Why is this subplot here again? Oh yeah. Hot-tub scene. Anyway, Fenring babbles a bit. I guess I should be happy he's there, but is a stutter to much to ask? It'd help cover the French accent.

Me too. Paul is meditating. You know, for the leader of a jihad, he sure spends a lot of time sitting around staring into space. Anyway, someone tries to attack him. He dodges, using the Weirding Way. I give you a quote direct from Dune director John Harrison: "…I believe we've created the proper visual representation of what this form of fighting is. As much as I love films like The Matrix, it will definitely not be effects-driven like that. It will be much more Zen-like." Okay. You people saw the same thing I did. Paul looked like Keanu without the leather, right? Or maybe it's The Flash without The Hussy, who's hanging out with me this week. I guess the Zen part is useful for dealing with how crappy it all looks, but that's about it. Otheym subdues the attacker, whom Paul tells us is Sarduakar. He's not wearing the effeminate sailor costume, so I didn't recognize him. Anyway, Paul orders that he be kept unharmed. Gee, think we'll seeing him again before it's all over?

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Everything you know is wrong

by Aaron December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet Thumper close-up. And I don't mean the bunny. Paul chants the fear mantra. As the worm passes, we learn that the tools and techniques of worm-riding haven't changed much from the Lynch version, even though the worms have. Paul makes it up the side of the worm, and sets his hooks. The others all climb up to join him. In the book, this makes Paul a man. My Bar Mitzvah is starting to look a lot better in comparison. Stilgar hints that he and Paul must fight for leadership now. Paul is too happy to be riding to notice. He lets out a very Mulder-like girly-scream. Commercials. I let out a girly-scream of my own. Okay, I swore no more election jokes, but the Franklin Mint is running ads for a Presidential Coin Series, and they actually say the 2000 coin can't be issued yet. I find that funny for some reason. ["It can now. Which I don't find funny at all." -- Sars] Also, as per tradition, I'll point out that the Penguins are up 2-1 over Ottawa, and I for one am ready for some serious Lemieux Redux Déjà Vu. We come back to an aerial shot of Paul and the Gang riding the worm. It's a thopter, and Gurney comments that it's the biggest worm he's ever seen. I guess they're too high to see the light reflecting off Stilgar's bald spot. They find some Spice and set down. Gurney gets a few lines to make him look like a tough warrior. Actually, he looks like he just got up to fetch another beer during the commercials on Smackdown. Couldn't he at least have been the bald one? Anyway, the Spice patch is fake. Fremen burst from the sand. After a brief fight, Paul recognizes Gurney. Blah blah touching reunion-cakes. I like the crème-filled ones. Gurney gets off the "you young pup" line. Paul introduces Stilgar, who calls him Muad'Dib. Gurney is shocked to learn that his young pupil is a feared religious zealot. Imagine how David Koresh's Sunday School teacher must have felt. I wonder if he was allowed to wear jeans? Inside, Gurney makes small talk. He's glad to see Paul has a girlfriend. The Atreides are all gone. And oh yeah, there was something about a traitor. Gurney swears vengeance, but the lingering camera makes me think he doth protest too much. I don't yet know how wrong I am. Well, actually I do, but work with me on this one, people. Gurney signs up to fight with Paul. The Emperor's new clothes are actually his old ones from Part One. I guess they had a shiny pink spandex double-coupon. He's discussing foreign policy with Irulan. He knows the Baron's plan, and he's not about to fall for it. Only he totally does, but that's not for another hour. And the Baron's plan isn't even the Baron's plan from the book, which means he's even dumber for falling for it. Anyway, Irulan talks about how there's lots of Fremen. That's related to the whole falling-for-the-plan thing, but it's still pretty boring. Why is this subplot here again? Oh yeah. Hot-tub scene. Anyway, Fenring babbles a bit. I guess I should be happy he's there, but is a stutter to much to ask? It'd help cover the French accent.

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