MONDO EXTRAS

Everything you know is wrong

by admin December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet

Chani arrives at the new non-Tabr sietch. Now she's got a funny hat. It's sort of a macramé hijab, with only a slit for her eyes. The Fedaykin lead her through an open cavern, where a number of Fremen are performing some sort of religious genuflection that bears a disturbing resemblance to the Macarena. Finally, she arrives at a room with Paul unconscious on the bed. Jessica tells her that Paul isn't dead, but it's so close that everyone thinks he is. The elders want to reclaim his water. Jessica admits to lying to help convince the Fedaykin that he's in a holy trance. Why are they making such a big deal of this? It's in the book that they take advantage of the legend initially, but by this point (especially by this scene) it should be clear that Paul really is the Mahdi. Anyway, Chani kisses Paul and tastes the Water of Life on his lips. Guess they weren't breath mints.

The girls fetch some more of the Water. Chani dips it into Paul's mouth, and he wakes with a start. We don't pan down to see if he's stained the sheets this time. He's a little confused until Jessica tells him he's been unconscious for weeks. He tells her she has no idea what he's seen, so he grabs her hand and shows her. More Matrix-style camerawork as we're zapped into a dream sequence. This one is actually pretty cool. The desert fades in and out around them as Paul explains that he is the Kwisatz Haderach. They find themselves in the Supernova tunnel, and Paul tries to show her the place the FremRevMo said she can't go. Only he can get there. Paul, because he's selfish, takes this time to point out that he's more than the Kwisatz Haderach (which, literally translated from Frank Herbert's made-up language, means "supreme being," making that statement impossible). He says he's a "tool of fate." Oh, he's a tool, all right. Now we see Jessica standing with the post-orgy dead bodies. They're really getting good use out of that set. Not as much use as they get out of the explosion shot, though. We finally fade back in on her, Paul, and Chani in the room. "Now you understand," says Paul. That puts her one up on me.

Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of The Emperor's starship, on a five-year mission to seek out and explore crappy mini-series. This week, they're arriving at Arrakis. And just in time, it looks like. On board the Emperor's ship, which by the way is shamelessly ripped straight from the Lynch version, there's a party in progress. There's probably also a baby on board, but he doesn't have one of those little yellow stickers, so I'll let it go. Anyway, Fey finds Irulan and tries hitting on her. He says they're the same because they both hate to be confused. According to Nielsen, that makes three point one million of us. And yet she's still here. Apropos of nothing she says, "Remind me to tell you about the ancient legend of the Phoenix." I guess she's referring to Paul, but who the hell knows? Maybe she means Gretzky buying the Coyotes. As she stalks off, Fey tells his uncle the Baron that "she'd make a fine trophy on Harkonnen linen." She wasn't good enough in the hot tub?

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Everything you know is wrong

by admin December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet Bedroom. Paul is complaining that he didn't see Gurney's attack coming. Chani is talking, but I'm not listening because all she's wearing is a very short towel. Rewind and restart. Rewind and restart. See, it's not so bad. Anyway, Paul sends her to the south so she'll be safe. She doesn't want to go. He snots. She pouts. They cuddle. Paul is wearing those Marky-Mark style Calvin Klein knee-length tighty-whiteys. Yeah, you're not gonna lose any water in those, no sirree. I rewind to the towel part again. Outside, Paul watches Chani leave. He's lit in orange now for some reason, but I'm not even gonna try to guess what the cinematographer thinks that means. Cut to him, riding a worm alone through the mist. Uh, mist? On a desert planet with no water? Whatever. He returns to the now deserted Sietch Tabr. He walks in past the giant statue from Part Two and enters the room where the Water of Life is made. Of course, even though no one has been there for years, there's a baby worm just hanging out, waiting for him to drown it. We pan up the length of the statue and see Paul sitting on its crossed arms. He's meditating again. Outside, Otheym, who apparently was following Paul, sees clouds billowing around the sietch, in much the same way that The Extras saw clouds billowing about Mt. Sinai in In the Beginning. I didn't want to go there again, but if they're gonna recycle effects, I should be allowed to recycle jokes. Inside, Paul is hallucinating that recycled Supernova tunnel effect. First he's lit in a green. Then he's lit in red. Uh oh. Does this mean he's gone over to the Hark Side? He clutches his forehead, and John Harrison tries to out-Lynch Lynch, but the master isn't having it. People should just learn that these Water of Life scenes are un-filmable, and stop trying. Otheym enters the empty sietch just in time to see Paul collapse. Commercial. It's right about here that this mini-series begins to redeem itself, by the way. Chani arrives at the new non-Tabr sietch. Now she's got a funny hat. It's sort of a macramé hijab, with only a slit for her eyes. The Fedaykin lead her through an open cavern, where a number of Fremen are performing some sort of religious genuflection that bears a disturbing resemblance to the Macarena. Finally, she arrives at a room with Paul unconscious on the bed. Jessica tells her that Paul isn't dead, but it's so close that everyone thinks he is. The elders want to reclaim his water. Jessica admits to lying to help convince the Fedaykin that he's in a holy trance. Why are they making such a big deal of this? It's in the book that they take advantage of the legend initially, but by this point (especially by this scene) it should be clear that Paul really is the Mahdi. Anyway, Chani kisses Paul and tastes the Water of Life on his lips. Guess they weren't breath mints.

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