MONDO EXTRAS

Everything you know is wrong

by Aaron December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet

Paul and Jessica stand at the door to the sietch. The unsealed door to the sietch. I'm surprised they haven't put in a pool out there. Anyway, Paul is all gung-ho to kill Harkonnens. Jessica is all worried about the jihad. Paul is powerless to stop that, because he has a "terrible purpose." Hey, they did work it in. They bicker for a minute. And since Obi Wan Kenobi just showed up, it must be time for a Dramatic Revelation Of Paternal Identity. Paul tells Jessica to look into his eyes. They're blue now, by the way. He asks if he looks familiar. She doesn't understand. Who's your daddy? She doesn't know. The Bene Gesserit never told her. Surprise: It's the Baron. Paul is his grandson. She's shocked. Now that I'm in a Star Wars frame of mind, I realize why they cast Alec Newman. He looks like Ewan McGregor.

Outside, Alia is playing with a bag of Spice. She looks up, and the little girl playing her channels the little girl from Poltergeist as she says, "They're coming!" Behind her, we see Harkonnen thopters swooping in. One fires a missile right into the camera. The producers dock the pilot's pay. Those cameras aren't cheap, you know. Now we get a battle. The Effeminate Sailors charge the sietch. The Old Navy Wearing But Strangely Not Effeminate Fremen charge out. Low-rent Braveheart action ensues. It's surprisingly bloody. It's not surprisingly five-on-five. The Sarduakar break through and head inside. We see a random Fremen girl with Leto II. The Sarduakar catch her, and she impales herself on one of their knives. There's a much, much too long scene where the Sarduakar move in on the helpless baby. One waves his bloody knife, and as the kid sits there looking cute, we cut away.

Chani jerks awake in bed, and asks what's wrong. Paul tells her Leto II is dead. We hear a baby crying, and cut to commercial.

We're back. Now it gets good. We're overlooking the palace. The Emperor brought a little mini-palace of his own. Paul says it's time to let them know he's there. He calls for the captured Sarduakar guy from forty-five minutes ago. Paul sends him back to the Emperor with terms for surrender. He also lets him put the Effeminate Sailor outfit back on, so he can "meet his master with dignity." Not in that get-up, he won't.

Cut to the Emperor reading the terms. He's pissed. The Baron babbles. The Emperor tells him to shut up, saving me the trouble. The Emperor looks smug as he brings Alia into the room. She was captured during the attack. Alia starts off by greeting "the fat Baron." The Emperor says he's not fat, she's Maud'Dib's sister. Everyone reacts in shock, especially the RevMo.

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Everything you know is wrong

by Aaron December 13, 2000
Dune Part Three: The Prophet Commercial. Sorry to leave you with that mental image through the break. Well, I guess it wasn't as long for you as it was for me. Anyway, Paul is alone in his room. Otheym enters, and Paul orders him to collect some Water of Life and plant it over a pre-Spice mass. For the non-readers, that's very, very bad. But not as bad as doing drugs. Seriously, people. Just say no. Otheym leaves to take care of it. Up on the Emperor's ship, the party is still in progress. In the back, the Emperor is meeting with his generals. They've finally given him some imperial-looking clothes, and he's let the power go to his head. He wants to crush Muad'Dib. He orders that troops be landed to attack the Fremen at the sietch. There's a nice, actually subtle, nod to the book here, as the Emperor nods to the Pointy Hat Guild Guy to ask his approval. Down on Arrakis, Paul puts his father's skull into a shrine. He says that every Fremen who passes this spot shall stop to pay tribute to Duke Sleepo, which is a pretty tall order considering that none of them has ever even seen the guy. Anyway, the Fremen do the Macarena thing, then leave. Gurney stays and looks sad for a moment, and then follows. As he steps away, we see Duke Sleepo standing behind him. I guess they had to find a way to work him into all three parts to justify the top billing. He's got a brown robe on, and he's glowing exactly like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars. The resemblance is uncanny. Except, of course, Alec Guinness was awake at the time. Anyway, Sleepo fades out as Paul reaches for him. Paul and Jessica stand at the door to the sietch. The unsealed door to the sietch. I'm surprised they haven't put in a pool out there. Anyway, Paul is all gung-ho to kill Harkonnens. Jessica is all worried about the jihad. Paul is powerless to stop that, because he has a "terrible purpose." Hey, they did work it in. They bicker for a minute. And since Obi Wan Kenobi just showed up, it must be time for a Dramatic Revelation Of Paternal Identity. Paul tells Jessica to look into his eyes. They're blue now, by the way. He asks if he looks familiar. She doesn't understand. Who's your daddy? She doesn't know. The Bene Gesserit never told her. Surprise: It's the Baron. Paul is his grandson. She's shocked. Now that I'm in a Star Wars frame of mind, I realize why they cast Alec Newman. He looks like Ewan McGregor. Outside, Alia is playing with a bag of Spice. She looks up, and the little girl playing her channels the little girl from Poltergeist as she says, "They're coming!" Behind her, we see Harkonnen thopters swooping in. One fires a missile right into the camera. The producers dock the pilot's pay. Those cameras aren't cheap, you know. Now we get a battle. The Effeminate Sailors charge the sietch. The Old Navy Wearing But Strangely Not Effeminate Fremen charge out. Low-rent Braveheart action ensues. It's surprisingly bloody. It's not surprisingly five-on-five. The Sarduakar break through and head inside. We see a random Fremen girl with Leto II. The Sarduakar catch her, and she impales herself on one of their knives. There's a much, much too long scene where the Sarduakar move in on the helpless baby. One waves his bloody knife, and as the kid sits there looking cute, we cut away.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12Next

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