MONDO EXTRAS

Elektra Erin: I know, I know. But I'll take the hot where I can get it.
Elektra Barbie: Pass the corn nuts.
Erin: Those aren't corn nuts, dude.
Elektra Barbie: Well, then, what are they?
Erin: I…think those are Mafia roaches. Ew, dude.
Elektra Barbie: [crunching thoughtfully] Hm. Tasty.
Erin: Gross.

"The war is over," declares Kirigi. Just then, Typhoid hears something and looks up. All around the treetops, awesome ninjas in white can be seen flitting around. Suddenly, the awesome white ninjas swoop down and surround them. Stick appears out of nowhere and breaks the necklace out of Kirigi's hand and orders Abby to get behind him. "The war," he gruffs, "has just begun." The awesome white ninjas protect Abby as Kirigi says, "Another day, old man," and then disappears on the wind. Typhoid goes with him too, I guess, because they're both gone. Stick looks over and sees Elektra on the ground. Well, he doesn't really see, I guess, as much as he…senses? I don't know. He moves over and tells her she'll be fine and that she should rest. She's blue, dude. I don't think she's fine.

The screen goes black, and when it comes back up, we're in another Elektra Dreamland sequence. A door opens onto a room bathed in white light. Elektra's mother is once again lying on her bed, ostensibly dead. Young Elektra enters and sees the horned devil again, but this time, he turns into an awesome ninja. So an awesome ninja killed her mom, huh? Wonder who the awesome ninja could be. And if you didn't figure it out right this minute, you're not drunk enough. Elektra wakes up to the sound of a whip cracking. She looks around and seems to be in some Japanese-inspired treetop haven. She dresses and heads outside to the white-sheet-clad encampment. It's very pretty and peaceful and I kind of want to borrow some of their pottery for my living room. Out on the training square, Abby is kicking some serious ass with her staff. The fight choreography is fairly good in this movie, I must say. It makes even this young girl look like a warrior. Stick tells Abby to stop looking for her opponent because he's blind and sees more than any of them because he doesn't look. Shut up, sensei.

Elektra shows up and stands off to the side. "You had no right to drag me into this, Stick," she says. "This whole war with the Hand, everything, it's all about her, isn't it?" "They call her the Treasure," says Stick. No shit. I would never have FIGURED THAT OUT BY NOW. Abby was a prodigy from the age of four and the Hand tried to steal her, so her father spirited her away. Suddenly, Elektra gets all angry and shit, and she spits, "And you set this up -- the contract, McCabe, all of this -- you hired me to kill them." The huh? With the who? That…doesn't make any sense. "A father and his daughter, Stick," Elektra goes on. "You manipulated me." I still don't…what if she HAD killed them? Or was this just another stupid sensei test? Elektra asks Stick the same thing, wondering if everything, from the day he threw her out, if it had all been a test. "What if I had failed?" she asks. "Some lessons can't be taught, Elektra," he says. "They must be lived to be understood." No, seriously, shut up, sensei. And while we're at it, shut up. "You talk in riddles, old man," snits Elektra. Heh. So true. Also, shut up, sensei. Stick goes on to say that he always knew her heart was pure, she just needed to see it for herself. Meanwhile, she killed HOW many people before realizing her heart was pure? That's…not the best message to send, now is it? Elektra asks about Abby, and Stick states that as long as Kirigi is alive, she's only safe at the encampment. She has no choice.

Later, in Elektra's room, Abby is treating herself to a little Sai action. She quickly starts spinning them in her hands but stops when she hears someone approaching. It's Elektra, and she's obsessively counting to five. I don't know yet what that means. She enters, goes right to her Sais, and says, "Still breaking and entering, I see." Heh. Abby apologizes, but Elektra just tells her to keep practicing. Abby also apologizes for lying to her. Elektra's all, everybody lies, dude, especially me. Abby's all, like the counting? Elektra's all, the huh? "OCD," twits Abby. Elektra's all, I don't have OCD. I had it when I was a kid, but I haven't done that in years. Abby's all, think again, homes; you were just doing it. Elektra turns stony all of a sudden, telling Abby to stop mocking her, seeing as she is her superior after all. "Maybe," snots Abby. Oh, that little shit. Slap her around, E! Make her BEG for mercy. Or, you know, ground her or something! It's probably hard to ground a kid who has the weapon skills of a black belt, though. They'd be all, ground me? GROUND ME? Whuh-PAH!

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Elektra

Back with Goran and Abby, the danger's far from over, because the tattoo wolf is showing up. Goran orders Abby to run as Elektra gets a flash-forward of the wolf attacking them. She runs to save them. The wolf finally gets off his ass and attacks. At the same time, Kinkou shows up, so there's a bit of ass-kicking going on. Goran holds his own against Kinkou for a bit, but it's finally too much and Goran goes down. Kinkou grabs Abby and threatens her with a knife as Elektra runs some more. Finally, she comes upon the scene just as Abby unfurls her Indonesian bracelet from her wrist. As it unfurls, it turns into a long shiny gold rope. She brings it up and wraps it around Kinkou's neck and wham! he goes down. She begins to very capably fight him as Goran grabs a knife and throws it into Kinkou's chest, turning him into greenish-yellow smoke. The tattoo wolf stops taking his damn coffee break and launches an attack at Abby and she easily brings him down with her Magic Gold Necklace of DEATH. The tattoo wolf takes one look at the Magic Gold Necklace of Death and is like, "Fuck THIS," and he suddenly turns back into a light or something and shrieks off into the forest.

Elektra gives Abby this hilarious look that's like, "Okay, what was THAT all about?" and then gives the same look to Goran, who's all panty and breathy and…yeah, still hot. "Why didn't you tell me?" asks Elektra. They don't get a chance to explain themselves, however, because at that precise moment, Typhoid shoots up and plants a nice, big, sloppy kiss on Elektra's lips. It's not as sexy as you might think, because Typhoid is basically sucking the life right out of her. Dead leaves fall down all around them as Typhoid gently and slowly leans Elektra down to the ground. They're really kissing though, y'all, so if chicks making out while one of them visibly dies turns you on, this is the scene to slo-mo through.

Abby runs over to take care of Typhoid, but it's too late, Elektra's dying. Typhoid goes to meet Abby's challenge, but just as Abby swings the Magic Gold Necklace of Death toward her, Kirigi appears out of nowhere and intercepts it with a flick of his wrist. "Ah," he says calmly, "you are the little treasure, aren't you?" Guess that answers the question once and for all that the "motherless female warrior" from the opening credits isn't Elektra. Also? Kirigi looks MUCH hotter with the messy bob than the ponytail.

Elektra Barbie: He's still a total girl.

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