MONDO EXTRAS

Elektra

Oh, goddammit. We have to go check in with Roshi again. Why? Whyeeee? Ass. Kicking. NOW. God. All Roshi's doing is fiddling with his Buddhist prayer beads or whatever. Now? Now can we commence the kicking of the ass? Apparently, we can, because the next scene begins with a shot of the exterior of the Natchios estate. The Dream Clouds of Asseth Kicketh are swooping by, though, so I'm not sure if this is real or not. And I don't care. We get a glimpse of a big garden maze before catching up with Elektra outside the gates of her house. She gets rid of the lock and walks toward the front doors. She unlocks it and before she can put her hand on the handle, it swings open. We flash back to the dead mother scene again, this time with the added bonus of a drifting white sheet floating down on top of her dead body.

Elektra enters and we flash back again and she's a little girl walking through the house as the servants put white sheets over everything. God. ASS-KICKING. We switch between Young Elektra and Adult Elektra both walking through the house like, we GET IT, she's REVISITING HER PAST and FACING OLD DEMONS, like, LITERALLY. Lord. Night finally falls on yonder plot-dragging, and Elektra's sitting in the middle of the hallway, dressed in her killing garb, even though when she entered the house, she was wearing jeans and boots and WHATEVER. Blah. The wind whistles as a dozen or so awesome ninjas approach from the outside. Way to stick to the agreement, KIRIGI. Nothing like agreeing to "you and me" and then launching a full-on awesome ninja attack.

Elektra's ready for it, though. She stands, turns, and removes her black coat with a flourish, revealing her sexy killing outfit. She grabs a candle and moves off. The awesome ninjas crawl all over the outside of the house. Elektra heads into the kitchen and turns the gas on for all of the burners, like, has anyone lived there in forever? Would the gas even be on? God. Don't think, meat, just watch the ass-kicking. Elektra goes to the door and watches as a handful of awesome ninjas crash through the window. She flings the candle into the gas and the awesome ninjas awesomely explode back OUT through the glass. Heh. Outside, Kirigi the Chickenshit watches from a distance. "Clever girl," he sneers. Shut up, Cowardly Custard.

Elektra makes her way through the house and suddenly feels or hears something. She turns and all of the sheets fling up into the air. "We meet again," says Kirigi, standing up on the balcony. He whips out his two swords, and Elektra performs this totally useless but really cool Sai-spinning thing and then points her knives right at him. Kirigi leaps over her and lands behind her. She spins to meet him and the sheets fly all around, making her attack them instead of him. I'm tired of this already. Suddenly, Elektra stops and hears Kirigi's voice in her head: "Now you will remember."

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Elektra

Elektra's all, come on. Let's fight. I'll show you who's numero uno around here. They face off and Abby seems to come to her senses, saying she's going to go find her dad. She goes to leave, and Elektra turns around, giving Abby her back. Elektra looks up with the vaguest smile on her face as Abby, in the background, whips around to deliver a dumb-ass sneak attack on Elektra. In one smooth move, Elektra has Abby by the throat. She just smiles at her prey calmly. Heh. Abby moves to attack her again and then they fight. It's a great fight, too, with Abby all pissy and bitchy and out of control and Elektra just calmly swatting away the kicks and punches as if they're at a society tea and Abby's a sickly wasp or something. Elektra finally gets Abby seated on the bed and has her hand at her throat when Abby starts crying like a wittle girly man. Or, you know, like a child. Elektra suddenly pulls back and kneels before her. "You'll be better than I am very soon." "I'm just a kid," says Abby. "I don't wanna stay here." Elektra, who's not very good at hugging, just tenderly moves a strand of Abby's hair off her shoulder.

Elektra Barbie: So I'm not big on PDA, so what?
Erin: Dude, you're the anti-PDA. You're a black hole of PDA. You suck PDA down into your vortex and then spew it out backwards so it becomes a weapon of PDA. You --
Elektra Barbie: Okay, I get it.
Erin: You're the complete and utter opposite of PDA. If there were a bizarro version of this planet, and there was PDA on this side, you'd be on the other side, all, like, the negative version of PDA. Like, what would that be? The ADP?
Elektra Barbie: Are you drunk?
Erin: Duh.

Later that night, Elektra stands over the sleeping Abby. Elektra's all decked out in her black and red silk assassin outfit, so I'm thinking she's about to head out to open up a can of whup-ass on someone by the name of Kirigi. Apparently, she and Abby are sharing a room, because Elektra walks over to a table and picks up the bag with her Sais. I know, I know. Earlier that day Abby was "breaking and entering" and now she's sleeping in the other bed like she's been there all along; there's still 28 goddamn minutes to this movie and I'm already on page 23 of this recap. I don't CARE about the inconsistencies anymore. Let's just move on to the ass-kicking, please.

Elektra leaves, and Abby wakes up just as she goes. There's nothing she can do, though, so she turns over and the camera pans down to show this big-ass black and yellow spider that is TOTALLY grossing me out right now. I HATE spiders. Like, you know how Indiana Jones hates snakes? That's how I feel about spiders. Like, even right now, my skin is crawling and I'm SURE there's something crawling up my neck. Gah. GAAAAAAH. Luckily, the spider just melts down into the floorboards and disappears. And the point of that was…? Outside, Elektra walks over to some cans filled with fire and closes her eyes. She drifts off to the futureland and there's Kirigi, standing by a tree. "What do you want?" he asks. "To finish this," she says. "You and me. No help from Stick, no help from your father. Winner take all." "And when I kill you, the little one is ours." "And when you don't, she is free. Forever. Agreed?" "Agreed." "We will meet where it all began." "And it will end where it all began. For you at least." Guess that means they're headed to the old Natchios homestead, huh? Finally! Let the ass-kicking begin.

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