8:00: Phew! Betcha NPH was backstage watching the Jets game wondering whether or not he should don that penguin suit on time or give it an extra 30 minutes. Knowing the Jets, an extra 30 minutes probably wouldn't have been enough. But this time they delivered, so congrats on finally winning at something, Rex Ryan.
8:02: Still waiting for the two gods of American television -- football and commercials -- to wrap up.
8:04: The pre-taped cold opens begins! Oh NPH, complaining about your lack of movie roles when you willingly appear in The Smurfs franchise? You're the cause of your own problem right there.
8:05: Lena Dunham nudity… always an easy target for Emmy laughs apparently. See, it's funny because she's not a Size 0! And proud of it!
8:06: Duck Dynasty seems like a show that would benefit from an NPH cameo. We know we'd actually start watching it if that happened.
8:07: First Breaking Bad sighting! Nice reminder that we have exactly an 53 until we all collectively switch the channel.
8:09: Don't applaud, folks. That cold open was pretty weak. Hard to believe, but Jimmy Kimmel may actually have one-upped NPH for the first time in recorded history.
8:10: Nice American Horror Story shout-out. Another show that would benefit from an NPH cameo. Now that How I Met Your Mother if wrapping up for real, he'll actually have time to make non-crappy televsion.
8:10: Awwww, Orange is the New Black shout-out! We'll see you at the Emmys next year, Piper and Crazy Eyes. At least we'd better.
8:11: Normally, NPH wouldn't need lessons in hosting from Jimmy Kimmel, but he seems kind of off his game tonight. Or maybe he's just being a super-good actor.
8:12: It's a host-a-palooza onstage right now! Did NPH not have any time to rehearse or something? When you've got him, you never need anyone else.
8:13: You think Conan O'Brien ever looks in the mirror and says "I do exist, I do. Even if my show's on TBS."
8:14: This belabored bit is worth it for Kevin Spacey's raised eyebrow alone. If he steals Bryan Cranston's Emmy tonight, it's all because of that eyebrow.
8:15: Yes, please do clear the stage and make room for Tina & Amy. One of the great mysteries of the entertainment biz: with such great chemistry, why wasn't Baby Mama any good?