MONDO EXTRAS

It's the very early morning, and a lady who is indicating she is very sleepy by rubbing her head and exaggeratedly yawning, behavior that would get her smacked across the face in any acting class in the world, walks into her kitchen in tiny shorts and pours some cereal. A morning radio show playing in the room notifies us that we are in New Jersey, followed by a news item about an upcoming memorial service for a local man who had been killed by an IED in Iraq. Tiny Shorts has no reaction to either bit of information, which is shocking considering how frequently she brings up having served in Iraq for the remainder of the episode.

Suddenly we hear the sounds of a helicopter, and as she looks at her window her body is assaulted with about a billion bullets. Then, of course, she wakes up. An it-was-all-a-dream opening sequence? Really? Great way to start a series, you stupid awful show.

The good news is that she wakes up to the great Kate Mulgrew standing over her bed, holding a cocktail and a cigarette in one hand, and a packet of new cotton granny undies in the other, claiming Oprah says most women wear them too small, slurring, "When I heard that I thought of you right away." Heh. The sad dichotomy of the Mulgrew character is that she is so awesome and you love her desperately, but you're alternately depressed that this show isn't about her instead of her daughter who can't act.

Kate Mulgrew tells "Ronnie" that "Mike" called last night, in a very titillated way, and Ronnie becomes agitated and walks away. I'm just going to point out right now that she does that a lot. But this time she may have a good reason, as apparently Mike cheated on Ronnie while she was "away." In Iraq, as you'll come to hear many, many times.

Ronnie puts some clothes on and travails to a coffee shop, where she is now sitting alone drinking coffee, reading the paper and not touching the delicious blueberry muffin in front of her. It's crazy. It looks all fluffy and blueberry-filled, and there's sugary muffin top happening in the vicinity, and it's like she doesn't even know it's alive. This is just one of oh, so many ways in which Ronnie and I differ.

Suddenly, a car crashes outside and a woman somewhere lets out a comically bloodcurdling scream. Ronnie looks up from her paper, alarmed, interested.

A very stereotypically Jersey woman in the passenger side of the car is screaming for help and a man comes running up saying he's a doctor.