MONDO EXTRAS

Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter

Charles Manson has decided that last night was way too messy, meaning that when he told them he wanted it messy, he didn't really mean it. So now he's going to show them how it's done. They're splitting up tonight into two groups to help "jump-start Helter Skelter." The screen keeps going black -- black is the new negative! -- with a WHOMPing sound, and coming back up from another angle. This is what they did during the Scientology part at the beginning, too, except this time they're in a car so I don't know where the orgy is happening. Charles Manson picks a house at random and cuts a really disturbing figure of menace walking up the driveway. He's really good at this job. The cult members in the car sing "Que Sera, Sera" for no reason. I hate random sing-alongs. One of the main reasons I don't join cults.

Yay! That family from before that I hoped would die? Charles Manson, between one WHOMP and the next, has tied them up and left them on the couch. He comes out to give some really unclear directions to Tex, Katie, and Leslie about hanging out inside the house with the tied-up Mother and Father. The problem last night was that they "let the people know" they were going to kill them. Yeah, heading into the house with guns and knives drawn and the immediate slashing...people are going to put two and two together, Charlie. I don't get his agenda here at all. So they're, what, going to not let on that they're going to kill them? I really honestly think that at some point they're going to figure it out. Anyway. Charles Manson takes time out from "jump-starting" the apocalypse to commission a painting, by Tex, to be called "More Gruesome Than Anybody's Ever Seen." So you know it's that same old blood thing.

Back in the car with Fresh Meat and some...other hippies...Charles Manson hands Fresh Meat the lady's wallet, and asks her to wipe it for prints. Fresh Meat contemplates having something like a mind, but then decides not. They stop for sodas, and Charles Manson explains why the next step was leaving the wallet behind the toilet -- so that a black person would find it and attempt to use the money and credit cards for himself. Which means it's behind a toilet in the men's room. Which means the best person to place it there would be...a man. Oh, see, there I go again trying to make sense of it. Whatever. Free pass again. So the black person uses this credit card, and then there are race riots and we all go to the desert. Fine.

Back in the car, everyone has an insane amount of fun grunting and laughing and yelling about nothing in particular. Charles Manson and a boy hippie do an extended remix of the old "I'll turn this car around" thing, and it's all about how Charles Manson wants to spank this hippie but the hippie's like, "No, please!" but maybe Charles Manson is still going to spank him. I don't know. They're all crazy, I don't know what to tell you. Fresh Meat ruins the fun as usual by bursting into tears. In the backseat, the boy and girl hippie on this team look at each other like Fresh Meat couldn't be more of a frigging buzzkill. Then she pretends she was laughing the whole time. Then they drive away, and none of us have seen or learned anything about Fresh Meat or Charles Manson or the Manson Family, really.

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Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter There's some random yelling about all the corpses the next morning and the cops check out all the dead bodies and "witchy" blood stuff everywhere. The stupid negative effect comes back for no reason at all. Every time it's accompanied by this schwoom sound. I don't know why it keeps happening, but it's annoying. The cops bust into the pool house, where Sharon's ex and the dog are admittedly startled by so much activity so early in the morning. Cinema Legend art stuff is happening at what we're shown is Roman's London townhouse. Lots of arguing and making of artistic points. They're all sitting in the dark, which lends it a super-villain appeal. Keep in mind that we haven't even seen Roman so far, just heard his voice on the phone obsessing about Ex-Boyfriend guy, so this next bit will automatically be devoid of any emotional content. But that doesn't mean we won't spend the time on it. The phone rings as Roman yells about how stupid it is to have "dolphins talking to each other like humans." I'm not a film history buff, but that was so heavy-handed I'm sure anyone that isn't me could tell you all about their topic of discussion. I'm just tired of this movie, and it's only about an hour in. I know this actor looks like Roman, which is cool. The phone tells him that Sharon got chopped up, and he throws first the phone, then himself, to the floor, and flops around dramatically. One of the ladies runs in, full of the energy and happiness that only a cult can provide, to tell Fresh Meat that the news of the five murders has reached the television in the trailer. The assumption, I guess, is that she would want to see media coverage of their Creepy-Crawlie-Gone-Wild. The announcer reads off the names so you can see the historical accuracy, and I think that French guy might be Polish actually. Either way, he's dead now. Even though a couple of hours ago Charles Manson said it was hush-hush, all twenty-six of the cult members are in the trailer watching the news and making that whooping sound they make in every scene. Fresh Meat tries to tell the group about her reservations regarding their murder of five people, but they are not hearing it. This girl is the worst cult member ever. The ladies try to explain to her that it was actually a beautiful, ugly favor they did for those people. Sadie talks like Nell just a little bit about how the only emotion she is feeling is peckish. She also tells Fresh Meat that the more you do it, the more you like it. Tex talks about destiny and Charlie and situational ethics and blah blah crazy cult-cakes. He says this: "No sense makes sense. Remember that." If somebody said that to me, even a mass-murdering cult member, I'd slap his face. What the fuck did you just say to me? You better clarify what the hell you just said to me. But Fresh Meat just cries without tears and doesn't slap anybody.

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