MONDO EXTRAS

Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter

Roman Polanski, who we've seen once -- and that only in 89 percent darkness -- feels some emotional emotions in the house where his wife or whatever, who we saw maybe three times, was brutally killed, which we thankfully did not see. Then there's a stupid montage of not very good actors playing candid reports, people on the street giving opinions, all of which contradict but basically amount to the fact that being a movie star is pretty much asking to be chopped up by apocalypse cults due to their use of sex, drugs, and airline stewardesses and general acting the part of trash. The whole thing where it spins out of control, and all of sudden instead of a couple of artsy friends it was this huge party full of freaks and weirdos and who knows what. Sex and drugs and stewardesses, for a start. Roman gives a press conference and feels some emotions.

Charles Manson has gone even weirder and now he's got this map that spans multiple huge pieces of paper about where exactly they are going in the desert and half of the geography is made up from his pointy head and it's all drawn in crazy crayon and the "bottomless pit" might be underwater and one of the cult guys is like, "Water? In the desert?" And doesn't back off from the obvious rage blossom blooming behind Charles Manson's eyes, ending with basically a "Whatever, Chuck." Oops. So Charles Manson is like, "Do I look like a Chuck to you?" And I'm like, no, you look like a chucker to me, and the guy's like, "No sir you do not look like a Chuck to me sir," and then Charles Manson is like, "I died on the cross for you," and I roll my eyes, because are you just going to keep throwing that in my face every time we have an argument, forever? Just then the egg timer or whatever Pregnant Souffle-Haired Lady uses instead of her God-given free will goes off, so she comes running up to tell him Fresh Meat's gone. So I guess Fresh Meat just abandoned her kid to the cult? I wish I could say I expected better. Charles Manson says that eventually she'll come back for Tanya, and "then we'll make her come to now." Which means kill her ass, by the way. I don't know if I mentioned that before.

All the hippies are sleeping and then there are cop cars and helicopters and more mid-nineties dance music and the SWAT team and arrests left and right and hippies in their underwear getting hauled off to creepy cult jail. They are all under arrest for stealing cars and dune buggies and firearms. The ladies just smile and laugh because it's all so funny and awesome. In the courtroom for the arraignment, there's moderate pandemonium because the hippies can't keep still and creep and dance around. Then the judge dismisses the case because of a technicality involving the search warrant. The hippies hoot and holler and ululate. The great thing about a cult is they're tenacious: they tally up all the stuff the cops didn't get away with and start remaking their plans to get out into the desert. Squeaky turns up -- she hasn't been around at all since the beginning, which I'm sad about. Sadder still am I about the fact that Fresh Meat has totally called the Manson Family from a payphone in Taos, where she has located her ex-husband. Why are you calling them, stupid? Faerie Queen is like, "I can't believe you left Tanya," and then tells her that all the kids were put in Social Services during the raid. Now part of the ever-changing plan is that they are going to burn down any machines in the desert that may have been put there to confuse the Manson Family. This Free Pass thing is turning my brain inside out: historically, did Charles Manson make this little sense, or is the story just being told weirdly?

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Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter Yay! That family from before that I hoped would die? Charles Manson, between one WHOMP and the next, has tied them up and left them on the couch. He comes out to give some really unclear directions to Tex, Katie, and Leslie about hanging out inside the house with the tied-up Mother and Father. The problem last night was that they "let the people know" they were going to kill them. Yeah, heading into the house with guns and knives drawn and the immediate slashing...people are going to put two and two together, Charlie. I don't get his agenda here at all. So they're, what, going to not let on that they're going to kill them? I really honestly think that at some point they're going to figure it out. Anyway. Charles Manson takes time out from "jump-starting" the apocalypse to commission a painting, by Tex, to be called "More Gruesome Than Anybody's Ever Seen." So you know it's that same old blood thing. Back in the car with Fresh Meat and some...other hippies...Charles Manson hands Fresh Meat the lady's wallet, and asks her to wipe it for prints. Fresh Meat contemplates having something like a mind, but then decides not. They stop for sodas, and Charles Manson explains why the next step was leaving the wallet behind the toilet -- so that a black person would find it and attempt to use the money and credit cards for himself. Which means it's behind a toilet in the men's room. Which means the best person to place it there would be...a man. Oh, see, there I go again trying to make sense of it. Whatever. Free pass again. So the black person uses this credit card, and then there are race riots and we all go to the desert. Fine. Back in the car, everyone has an insane amount of fun grunting and laughing and yelling about nothing in particular. Charles Manson and a boy hippie do an extended remix of the old "I'll turn this car around" thing, and it's all about how Charles Manson wants to spank this hippie but the hippie's like, "No, please!" but maybe Charles Manson is still going to spank him. I don't know. They're all crazy, I don't know what to tell you. Fresh Meat ruins the fun as usual by bursting into tears. In the backseat, the boy and girl hippie on this team look at each other like Fresh Meat couldn't be more of a frigging buzzkill. Then she pretends she was laughing the whole time. Then they drive away, and none of us have seen or learned anything about Fresh Meat or Charles Manson or the Manson Family, really. Now they're walking along the beach. I wonder what part of the plan he's going to carry out here. He's such a planner. He's got his arm around Fresh Meat and he's making word noises again. Being in prison for half his life was cool, because it gave him the gift of fear, because fear keeps you alive. Then he hands Fresh Meat a knife (knife noise) and asks her to kill him. Which makes me think fear might still have a thing or two to teach him. Fresh Meat denies him thrice, of course, and he decides maybe he should kill her. I'm so sure, Charles Manson! Why are you such a fucking freakshow? If you didn't spend every hour of every day trying to prove how crazy you are, you could probably fit six apocalypses in before lunchtime. Being crazy makes you really inefficient.

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