MONDO EXTRAS

Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter

Fresh Meat is now a grandmother living under a new name in the Pacific Northwest. Good that she stayed away from environments with lots of drugs, and...CREDITS. What about Sadie? Damn.

Okay, the internet says that...well, the internet first of all says that "Sadie Atkins" is a porn star, so that's a good few pages of Google you can take off the top, please. Oh, while she was in the Family, she gave them all the clap, and was ostracized for it for a while, and she had a baby she named "Zezozecee Zadfrack." How can you doubt that I love her? Except for the serial murder thing, I think she'd make a great sitcom. Zezozecee was later adopted by a doctor, who changed his name to Paul.

Here we go, and this is most definitely the kind of shit I was looking for: In 1981, she married her prison pen pal, a Texan man named Donald Lee Laisure. Turns out Laisure (previously married: 35 times) was totally lying when he claimed to be a millionaire. When Sadie found this out three months in, she divorced him. She got married again, in 1987, to a lovely law student fifteen years younger than she, the impressively-named James W. Whitehouse. She's spent the last thirty-two years working on her prison ministry (as they all are, it seems -- it must get really loud with everyone ministering to everyone else all the time. On Oz there's only ever one, and you'd feel rude if you tried to start a prison ministry, because that's, like, their thing), thanks to Jesus (as in Christ), who paid her cell a visit some time in the late seventies. She's getting an associate degree through the mail. She was turned down for parole for the tenth time in 2000, and her next try comes up this year.

I've tried to walk a pretty fine line in this recap, which I hope you all appreciate, but the hardest part has been trying to end it. So I'll leave you with this: Don't join cults. Just don't do it. If he tells you he's Jesus, laugh in his face. If you can't find a clock or a phone or a calendar or a TV, get out of there. If they take your kids away as soon as you walk in, you take them right back and walk out again. If they take your wallet and throw it in a box or a fire, you must leave and worry about replacing those documents later -- unless you're on Forever Eden, in which case remember to bring the condom from your wallet in with you before it gets burnt up. (Also, if you're on Forever Eden, you deserve what you get anyway, so none of the above advice is for you.) If they ask you to steal, don't steal, just leave. Nobody who really wants you to be friends with them, or with God, I guess, would ever ask you to steal. If your night's plans include wiggling through the hallways of stranger's homes like creepy culty snakes, rearranging furniture, and watching people sleep, get a real hobby. Or even just an AIM screen name. If they tell you that the principles of Jesus will help you build financial freedom, leave. In fact, if anybody at any time makes you feel like you need to give them some money just for being your friend, leave. If anybody asks you for money, period, and you don't feel like giving it to them, leave. They're probably a cult. Learn from Fresh Meat's mistakes. See what happened to her? She moved to Portland. Don't join cults, people.

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Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter There's a soliloquy of sorts where John Gray begins speaking directly to us and Charles Manson gets very bombastic and "listen up, America" as he yells at Bugsy how "your kids, they came to me with all your disease already up inside their heads...the ones you threw away. You dispose of them, I pick them up from the roadside..." and the rest of it. It's stupid as shit as an idea, and the worst kind of scriptwriting, but pretty effective here because this guy is awesome. Charles Manson agrees that they would die for him, and Bugsy assures him that they will, and that he'll go first. Whoa. This causes Charlie to lose it and start with word-noises, which quickly bore Bugsy, and he walks off as Charles screams crazily. Bugsy has taken Fresh Meat out of the general population in order to insure her safety, and asks if she's good to testify and see Charles Manson in court, and asks if she's still in love with him. Kind of. Bugsy feels sorry for her. He asks if she needs anything, and turns to go. He assures her that she will be able to start over at the end of all this, and be free, but I wonder. I don't know the history, but she looks awfully broken in this...oh, it's over. Huh. I guess that's why Charles Manson was so yelly just now: that part is the part where they tell us why it happened, and the answer is that the Baby Boomers were raised by awful, selfish pigs who put too much ego in themselves, and threw their children on metaphorical trash heaps. Well, I could have told you that. And it explains why all of a sudden Fresh Meat was back in the picture, after having gone missing for an hour and a half. That's what you call "structure," folks. It's just like never giving names for any of the hippies in the cult because you're so busy trying to concentrate on the five main ones from the Tate case, without telling me that, and only showing your interest in those characters by having them carry entire scenes by themselves before they've been introduced or put into context. So, hmm. Fresh Meat testified for 18 days during Chuck's murder trial, and they got a conviction -- don't you love the part at the end of these awful things where they show you clips and words of what really happened after the movie? It's like "Choose Your Own Adventure," but without choices. Charles, Sadie, Katie, and Leslie all got the guilties. But we knew that. Um, Tex was found guilty of all seven murders, and they all got the gas chamber, but in 1972 California law changed and now they're all in for life. The Family may have done up to 35 murders total.

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