MONDO EXTRAS

Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter

The cops have found blond guy. You trust me, right? Like, you know I wouldn't lie to you about blond guy? So the cop says this, and I mean it: "His friends missed him at some bagpipe parade in Santa Monica." The only reason the cops are in blond guy's house looking at his earless self is because the bagpiping community of Santa Monica is wondering where this guy is. The cops will never catch Charles Manson, because they will assume that blond guy cut his own ear off. One cop points at some blood on the wall and says, "Is that blood?" The other one sighs and says, "It's being tested, but yeah. It is." What? Then we see the writing on the wall, and it says, "Political Piggy." I guess so, Charles Manson, even though I didn't see you write it. Even though you only killed him, by your own admission, to cover up the fact that you were extorting money from him through ear-paranoia. Even though he was a music teacher, and thus not especially political. Here comes Helter Skelter, not with a bang but with a whimper and a business plan so befuddled that it would make Omarosa snicker meanly.

Coyotes howl outside as a giant searchlight slips across the dirty environs of the Movie Ranch (hey, what does "movie ranch" mean? Is that like old used-up sets and stuff? Because that's cool. I would live there, if not for the cult). Inside, a bunch of hippies laugh sensuously and take big blue pills that are clearly prescription drugs of some kind. On CBS! Linda's about to help herself to some "food" of some kind, but the Faerie Queen stops her, "explaining" that the dogs have to finish eating before the girls can eat. I'm talking about actual dogs, like Canus familiaris, here. Fresh Meat asks a sensible question, stupidly enough: "Why?" Charles Manson puts down his guitar. He says, "Vlrble schmulzle rrijrbitffvm?" Because he can't even pronounce the word "why." That's how off-limits it is. Two things here: number one being a huge red sign hanging over the Movie Ranch that says, "Sign you're in a cult #2," and number two being that Charles Manson is such a freaking drama queen. He's so affected, saying, "I can't even get [that word] out of my mouth." I'm so sure, Charles Manson! Dr. Phil would take the wind out of your sails so fast! In fact, I'd like to see that, it would be so "two cults enter, one cult leaves" and you know who would win, too. And I think we'd all be better off, because race riots are nowhere near Oprah's list of Favorite Things.

Faerie Queen explains that Fresh Meat just showed up today at the cult, and Charles Manson stops to ask some pointed questions, like why she came to join the cult. She explains that her husband left her and Tanya, and that their latest plan had been to "go to South America." You'd think there would be more to the plan, but...this is the kind of person that joins cults, after all. Charles Manson is like, "Where ya been living?" (I think -- he's very good, again, at being Charles Manson) and I yell, "North America!" Charles Manson "jokes" that maybe she came to California looking for Jesus, and everyone laughs uproariously. I hope they explain why that's funny. There are word noises to the effect that he would like for Fresh Meat to steal some things based on what her heart tells her to steal. Topping Charles Manson's list of Favorite Things: "Dollar bills, and cars, and candy."

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Gimme Shelter

by Jacob Clifton May 24, 2004
Helter Skelter To defuse the freakish freakiness, Dennis promises to organize a little show at the Movie Ranch, where (per Charles Manson) there will be "record-type guys" to see him play. "You can tell them some of your prison stories, they'll love that." Hee! All of a sudden Terry smells the culty, creepy smell of Charles Manson's obvious insanity and makes his goodbyes, telling them not to expect his presence at the Movie Ranch any time...ever. It's pretty cool because he and Charles Manson talk over each other the entire scene as he crosses the room, but he's saying normal bland excuse stuff and Manson's just making word noises until the very tail of Melcher's coat is gone. The cops have found blond guy. You trust me, right? Like, you know I wouldn't lie to you about blond guy? So the cop says this, and I mean it: "His friends missed him at some bagpipe parade in Santa Monica." The only reason the cops are in blond guy's house looking at his earless self is because the bagpiping community of Santa Monica is wondering where this guy is. The cops will never catch Charles Manson, because they will assume that blond guy cut his own ear off. One cop points at some blood on the wall and says, "Is that blood?" The other one sighs and says, "It's being tested, but yeah. It is." What? Then we see the writing on the wall, and it says, "Political Piggy." I guess so, Charles Manson, even though I didn't see you write it. Even though you only killed him, by your own admission, to cover up the fact that you were extorting money from him through ear-paranoia. Even though he was a music teacher, and thus not especially political. Here comes Helter Skelter, not with a bang but with a whimper and a business plan so befuddled that it would make Omarosa snicker meanly. Coyotes howl outside as a giant searchlight slips across the dirty environs of the Movie Ranch (hey, what does "movie ranch" mean? Is that like old used-up sets and stuff? Because that's cool. I would live there, if not for the cult). Inside, a bunch of hippies laugh sensuously and take big blue pills that are clearly prescription drugs of some kind. On CBS! Linda's about to help herself to some "food" of some kind, but the Faerie Queen stops her, "explaining" that the dogs have to finish eating before the girls can eat. I'm talking about actual dogs, like Canus familiaris, here. Fresh Meat asks a sensible question, stupidly enough: "Why?" Charles Manson puts down his guitar. He says, "Vlrble schmulzle rrijrbitffvm?" Because he can't even pronounce the word "why." That's how off-limits it is. Two things here: number one being a huge red sign hanging over the Movie Ranch that says, "Sign you're in a cult #2," and number two being that Charles Manson is such a freaking drama queen. He's so affected, saying, "I can't even get [that word] out of my mouth." I'm so sure, Charles Manson! Dr. Phil would take the wind out of your sails so fast! In fact, I'd like to see that, it would be so "two cults enter, one cult leaves" and you know who would win, too. And I think we'd all be better off, because race riots are nowhere near Oprah's list of Favorite Things.

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