MONDO EXTRAS

Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen

Derrik and his partner get a report over their radio. A "stolen Durango." There's a 503 at 29th and Ridge. Mos Def and his partner hear the report as well, since "all cars" are to report immediately. That's a lot of cars. 503 must be bad. Mos Def calls in and reports that he's on his way. Derrik calls in and says "the lieutenant's got backup." So, now you know that Mos Def is the lieutenant. And he's The Bad Lieutenant (Insert Harvey Keitel joke here).

SUV chase. Inside the SUV is Lil' Bow Wow. He's bitching that the driver should let him go because he didn't do anything. He wants out of the car. He calls the driver "T." T won't let Bow Wow out of the car. More fast driving. Lil' Bow Wow asks to be let out by the subway. T laughs. He then turns the car and stops it slowly and gingerly by the sidewalk for no reason at all. Mos Def pulls up behind him. Lil' Bow Wow gets out of the car and runs. Derrik and his partner also get out of their car and run.

Foot chase. Strains of the original Carmen can be heard as Derrik continuously shouts, "Freeze! Police!" Lil' Bow Wow just keeps on running. He runs until he accidentally bumps into a trash can that was too far in the middle of the alley for him to dodge. He falls, and Mos Def picks him up. Derrik runs up in time to see Mos Def pretend to find drugs on Lil' Bow Wow. LBW says the drugs aren't his. Mos Def says they are. Everyone is talking at the same time. Derrik asks Mos Def what he thinks he's doing. Mos Def does not like it when good cops try to bust his bad cop rep. Derrik says he saw Mos Def plant the drugs. Mos Def pulls rank and says that Derrik didn't see anything. Threats are made. He tells Derrik to take LBW in and arrest him. LBW gets a very long moment where he kicks things and shouts, "Man, those drugs are not mine, bitch!" The score so far: Boredom: 1 Fun: -13

Cut to "Lou's Pub." We know this because a television screen tells us so in some Karaoke font. Nice use of budget, y'all. Bad splicing shows us a newspaper headline informing us that we are in Philly and that there's corruption in the 13th precinct. Fred Williamson stands there complaining about "Cops Today." Luckily, he does not break into song. The sad thing about this movie is that every moment, people are threatening to break into song and sometimes they do. Lou's Pub is clearly a cop hang-out, since everyone in there is in uniform. Fred Williamson has to use the word "brewsky," so I won't recap the rest of his complaints about the force. Mos Def arrives with his partner. They look for "honeys." They don't find any. With the music playing and the mumbly tendencies of Mos Def and crew, I finally break down and turn on the closed captioning. Mos Def and friend walk over to Miss Caela, who is Lou's daughter. Oh, my God. If I hadn't turned on the closed captioning, I would never have known that Mos Def just told Caela that he thinks they need to spend more time together. It sounds like he's whimpering and something is stuck in his foot. Miss Caela, however, is already spending time with Derrik. Right on cue, he territorially puts his arm around Caela. Mos Def fake-apologizes and calls his "bad." Derrik kisses Caela and says that they're planning to get married this summer. I'm calling Derrik "Hill" from now on, because that's what they're doing. Mos Def tells Hill to make sure he tells him the day of the wedding so he doesn't accidentally schedule him for "traffic duty" that day. He congratulates Caela and takes off with a "black love. You're beautiful." Caela and Hill walk off to get drinks.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next

Comments

Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen Derrik and his partner get a report over their radio. A "stolen Durango." There's a 503 at 29th and Ridge. Mos Def and his partner hear the report as well, since "all cars" are to report immediately. That's a lot of cars. 503 must be bad. Mos Def calls in and reports that he's on his way. Derrik calls in and says "the lieutenant's got backup." So, now you know that Mos Def is the lieutenant. And he's The Bad Lieutenant (Insert Harvey Keitel joke here). SUV chase. Inside the SUV is Lil' Bow Wow. He's bitching that the driver should let him go because he didn't do anything. He wants out of the car. He calls the driver "T." T won't let Bow Wow out of the car. More fast driving. Lil' Bow Wow asks to be let out by the subway. T laughs. He then turns the car and stops it slowly and gingerly by the sidewalk for no reason at all. Mos Def pulls up behind him. Lil' Bow Wow gets out of the car and runs. Derrik and his partner also get out of their car and run. Foot chase. Strains of the original Carmen can be heard as Derrik continuously shouts, "Freeze! Police!" Lil' Bow Wow just keeps on running. He runs until he accidentally bumps into a trash can that was too far in the middle of the alley for him to dodge. He falls, and Mos Def picks him up. Derrik runs up in time to see Mos Def pretend to find drugs on Lil' Bow Wow. LBW says the drugs aren't his. Mos Def says they are. Everyone is talking at the same time. Derrik asks Mos Def what he thinks he's doing. Mos Def does not like it when good cops try to bust his bad cop rep. Derrik says he saw Mos Def plant the drugs. Mos Def pulls rank and says that Derrik didn't see anything. Threats are made. He tells Derrik to take LBW in and arrest him. LBW gets a very long moment where he kicks things and shouts, "Man, those drugs are not mine, bitch!" The score so far: Boredom: 1 Fun: -13 Cut to "Lou's Pub." We know this because a television screen tells us so in some Karaoke font. Nice use of budget, y'all. Bad splicing shows us a newspaper headline informing us that we are in Philly and that there's corruption in the 13th precinct. Fred Williamson stands there complaining about "Cops Today." Luckily, he does not break into song. The sad thing about this movie is that every moment, people are threatening to break into song and sometimes they do. Lou's Pub is clearly a cop hang-out, since everyone in there is in uniform. Fred Williamson has to use the word "brewsky," so I won't recap the rest of his complaints about the force. Mos Def arrives with his partner. They look for "honeys." They don't find any. With the music playing and the mumbly tendencies of Mos Def and crew, I finally break down and turn on the closed captioning. Mos Def and friend walk over to Miss Caela, who is Lou's daughter. Oh, my God. If I hadn't turned on the closed captioning, I would never have known that Mos Def just told Caela that he thinks they need to spend more time together. It sounds like he's whimpering and something is stuck in his foot. Miss Caela, however, is already spending time with Derrik. Right on cue, he territorially puts his arm around Caela. Mos Def fake-apologizes and calls his "bad." Derrik kisses Caela and says that they're planning to get married this summer. I'm calling Derrik "Hill" from now on, because that's what they're doing. Mos Def tells Hill to make sure he tells him the day of the wedding so he doesn't accidentally schedule him for "traffic duty" that day. He congratulates Caela and takes off with a "black love. You're beautiful." Caela and Hill walk off to get drinks.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP