MONDO EXTRAS

Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen

Beyoncé is in bed. Hill kisses her. He snuck into her apartment. Nice work from the ex-cop. They kiss.

The sun rises, so we know that time has passed. Beyoncé kisses Hill awake and announces that she's made breakfast. He walks into the kitchen, sees the food she's made, and is all touched. He doesn't even touch egg to lip before she's yapping about Cali. She wants to move today. I mean, like, today. How do people do that? He says he can't go because he's on probation and can't break parole. He's stuck in Pennsylvania for a year. Beyoncé can't wait that long. She starts sassing and back-sassing that he doesn't care about her or her dreams. This kicks off their rap about whether she's tripping or he's a dog. He says he was sculpting her face in his mashed potatoes. She says they can be like Bonnie and Clyde. He says he'll do anything but get locked up again. He says he doesn't want to choose. She says she never asked him for anything. He asks her not to start now. The gem closes the song: "If not for me and you, then baby/ Just do it for the weather." Hill says that he wants her to have all of her dreams, but that he can't leave right now. He apologizes. She slams the bedroom door. Bitch.

Back at Lou's, all of the cops happily welcome back the Bad Cop Who Can't Keep His Dick In His Pants. Hill tries to talk to Caela, but she runs off. I can't believe he'd even come to this place, since she's the owner's daughter. Doesn't he think he'll get killed? Mos Def, looking not quite as Bad Cop-ish anymore, says hello to Hill. Hill's partner asks for things to keep cool, since Hill just wants a drink. Mos Def plays innocent. He starts talking to his table about men that are pussy-whipped. Hill asks him to watch his mouth. Mos Def gets his rap solo. Calls Hill a bitch. Hill says back: "You ain't even genuine/ Sweeter than a Cinnabon." Mos Def: "But with five fingers in a fist I'm as deadly as this Pentagon." They really are just trying to rhyme every word they can think of. "You don't want beef with Miller/ Cause I am iller!" Mos Def says right to us. The rap continues, as the boys eventually just break out the rulers and determine the winner. Mos Def calls Beyoncé a "silly ho," and Hill punches him in the face. Mos Def laughs because now Hill goes back to jail for assaulting an officer. Hill has run out of the building, but Mos Def sends Hill's partner to get him. The partner reluctantly leaves.

Ananda breaks in here to tell us that she's about to interview Beyoncé. Beyoncé looks like she's freezing, since Nasty Girl left the house without her clothes on. Ananda then badly recaps the first half of the movie, missing plot points left and right, and then asks Beyoncé whether Hill is going to go to Los Angeles. Beyoncé then tells us what's about to happen in the movie. Why is this here? Moving on...

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Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen Beyoncé is in bed. Hill kisses her. He snuck into her apartment. Nice work from the ex-cop. They kiss. The sun rises, so we know that time has passed. Beyoncé kisses Hill awake and announces that she's made breakfast. He walks into the kitchen, sees the food she's made, and is all touched. He doesn't even touch egg to lip before she's yapping about Cali. She wants to move today. I mean, like, today. How do people do that? He says he can't go because he's on probation and can't break parole. He's stuck in Pennsylvania for a year. Beyoncé can't wait that long. She starts sassing and back-sassing that he doesn't care about her or her dreams. This kicks off their rap about whether she's tripping or he's a dog. He says he was sculpting her face in his mashed potatoes. She says they can be like Bonnie and Clyde. He says he'll do anything but get locked up again. He says he doesn't want to choose. She says she never asked him for anything. He asks her not to start now. The gem closes the song: "If not for me and you, then baby/ Just do it for the weather." Hill says that he wants her to have all of her dreams, but that he can't leave right now. He apologizes. She slams the bedroom door. Bitch. Back at Lou's, all of the cops happily welcome back the Bad Cop Who Can't Keep His Dick In His Pants. Hill tries to talk to Caela, but she runs off. I can't believe he'd even come to this place, since she's the owner's daughter. Doesn't he think he'll get killed? Mos Def, looking not quite as Bad Cop-ish anymore, says hello to Hill. Hill's partner asks for things to keep cool, since Hill just wants a drink. Mos Def plays innocent. He starts talking to his table about men that are pussy-whipped. Hill asks him to watch his mouth. Mos Def gets his rap solo. Calls Hill a bitch. Hill says back: "You ain't even genuine/ Sweeter than a Cinnabon." Mos Def: "But with five fingers in a fist I'm as deadly as this Pentagon." They really are just trying to rhyme every word they can think of. "You don't want beef with Miller/ Cause I am iller!" Mos Def says right to us. The rap continues, as the boys eventually just break out the rulers and determine the winner. Mos Def calls Beyoncé a "silly ho," and Hill punches him in the face. Mos Def laughs because now Hill goes back to jail for assaulting an officer. Hill has run out of the building, but Mos Def sends Hill's partner to get him. The partner reluctantly leaves. Ananda breaks in here to tell us that she's about to interview Beyoncé. Beyoncé looks like she's freezing, since Nasty Girl left the house without her clothes on. Ananda then badly recaps the first half of the movie, missing plot points left and right, and then asks Beyoncé whether Hill is going to go to Los Angeles. Beyoncé then tells us what's about to happen in the movie. Why is this here? Moving on...

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next

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