MONDO EXTRAS

Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen

Hill shows up at Beyoncé's apartment as the opening strains of "Survivor" start up. He tells her to get her things gathered so they can go to L.A. and he won't get arrested. They pack quickly. Da Brat is rapping a zillion miles an hour over the song and the closed captioning has given up. Bad homage to the opening of Natural Born Killers as Beyoncé and Hill drive to L.A. and Mos Def looks for Hill in front of a stupid bluescreen.

Hill and Beyoncé show up at their Wild at Heart hotel room and freak out about the mess and the bugs. Then they remember their love.

Hill applies for a job. They hire him and then ask him to clean toilets. He says he has no problem for six bucks an hour. They ask for a copy of his driver's license so they can run his history. Hill lies that he lost his license and can't do it. The employer takes a call, speaks in angry Spanish, and then tells Hill to come back later so he can think about it.

Montage of Hill getting turned down for work. Am I supposed to sympathize with him? He hasn't done anything even slightly admirable since the first minute we've seen him.

Beyoncé goes in for an audition. She's a crappy actress. But Beyoncé is over-badding it. Can't she even be a decent actress? Then the casting woman asks Beyoncé to play the part "more black." Beyoncé gets all uppity and leaves. Then she sees how pretty girls in Los Angeles are and pouts out of the room. I'd have sympathy if she had talent as an actress. Oh, and everyone is pretty in Los Angeles, but the only woman in the world who currently doesn't have to worry about that is Beyoncé Knowles.

Hill comes back to the janitor place and the employer has already run his report. He calls Hill "a dirty cop on the run" and starts to call the police. Hill freaks out and yanks the phone away. Then because he's just committed another assault, he runs.

Hill sits in the hotel room watching Ananda on Cribs. They're profiling Blaze's crib. Beyoncé walks in and asks Hill why he hasn't found a job yet. She tells him to work the system. Hill reminds her that they are in love. Beyoncé scoffs at love. He says that hoping to be a star isn't going to help them either. Beyoncé pulls out the big guns to say, "You a jerk, you know that?" Hill tells Beyoncé that he's merely keeping it real. Maybe Beyoncé could sell some of those clothes or shoes to pay rent. We get some political commentary as Hill tells Beyoncé that in Hollywood 2001, the most talented black actresses only get the "ghetto-fied hoochie roles." Beyoncé says that she doesn't mind taking those roles. She asks if he's her man. He says she knows he is. They rap. They rhyme "down" with "down" three times in a row. They rhyme "dreaming" with "Michelin." They end with something about being a toucan; Beyoncé gives a "whatever" and leaves for fresh air.

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Crip-Crapra: Crapmen

by Pamie May 15, 2001
Hip Hopera: Carmen Hill shows up at Beyoncé's apartment as the opening strains of "Survivor" start up. He tells her to get her things gathered so they can go to L.A. and he won't get arrested. They pack quickly. Da Brat is rapping a zillion miles an hour over the song and the closed captioning has given up. Bad homage to the opening of Natural Born Killers as Beyoncé and Hill drive to L.A. and Mos Def looks for Hill in front of a stupid bluescreen. Hill and Beyoncé show up at their Wild at Heart hotel room and freak out about the mess and the bugs. Then they remember their love. Hill applies for a job. They hire him and then ask him to clean toilets. He says he has no problem for six bucks an hour. They ask for a copy of his driver's license so they can run his history. Hill lies that he lost his license and can't do it. The employer takes a call, speaks in angry Spanish, and then tells Hill to come back later so he can think about it. Montage of Hill getting turned down for work. Am I supposed to sympathize with him? He hasn't done anything even slightly admirable since the first minute we've seen him. Beyoncé goes in for an audition. She's a crappy actress. But Beyoncé is over-badding it. Can't she even be a decent actress? Then the casting woman asks Beyoncé to play the part "more black." Beyoncé gets all uppity and leaves. Then she sees how pretty girls in Los Angeles are and pouts out of the room. I'd have sympathy if she had talent as an actress. Oh, and everyone is pretty in Los Angeles, but the only woman in the world who currently doesn't have to worry about that is Beyoncé Knowles. Hill comes back to the janitor place and the employer has already run his report. He calls Hill "a dirty cop on the run" and starts to call the police. Hill freaks out and yanks the phone away. Then because he's just committed another assault, he runs. Hill sits in the hotel room watching Ananda on Cribs. They're profiling Blaze's crib. Beyoncé walks in and asks Hill why he hasn't found a job yet. She tells him to work the system. Hill reminds her that they are in love. Beyoncé scoffs at love. He says that hoping to be a star isn't going to help them either. Beyoncé pulls out the big guns to say, "You a jerk, you know that?" Hill tells Beyoncé that he's merely keeping it real. Maybe Beyoncé could sell some of those clothes or shoes to pay rent. We get some political commentary as Hill tells Beyoncé that in Hollywood 2001, the most talented black actresses only get the "ghetto-fied hoochie roles." Beyoncé says that she doesn't mind taking those roles. She asks if he's her man. He says she knows he is. They rap. They rhyme "down" with "down" three times in a row. They rhyme "dreaming" with "Michelin." They end with something about being a toucan; Beyoncé gives a "whatever" and leaves for fresh air.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next

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