John runs into the hospital in a panic, Crisis in A Minor playing violently in the background. "She's passed over, John," Mimi chokes, crying into a stunned John's shoulder. Sickened, he staggers out of the waiting room and goes home, holing up in his bedroom. After trashing everything in sight, he starts singing "Love Me Tender" with an angry glint in his eye and a raspy voice. Then, he weeps. Poor Johnny.
Nothing soothes grief like a pint. So, at the local pub, John tells a rude joke and cracks up the room with his racy wit. Cynthia Powell walks in, every bit as mousy and plain as I remember her. She wins naughty look from John, who mockingly orders everyone to clean up the language in front of Miss Cynthia. Everyone elbows each other in jest and nods stupidly. Stu cackles in John's face. I'm sorry -- do their jackets say "T-Bird" on the back? Didn't think so. Cynthia has wound her way through the maze and found the cheese she sought -- the jukebox. John marches up to her, makes lame small talk and then asks her to dance. Cynthia blurts that she's engaged, but he laughs it off and feeds her a piece of cheddar -- cut from an authentic John Lennon wheel of cheese. It works; they dance. Apparently, the two of them have traded longing stares during a class they share. John says she could be as sexy as Brigitte Bardot. She nibbles on his shoulder. He tells her she might be gorgeous if she changed her wardrobe and lightened the mousy brown hair. Instead of spitting in his face or introducing his groin to her knee, Cynthia smiles, and they immediately eat each other's tongues. So much for the fiancé.
The band, Johnny and the Moondogs, auditions for the All-England Talent Search judges. The man likes them, but hates Stu at bass and insists they ditch "Johnny and the Moondogs" as their name. John refuses to fire Stu, his good friend, so the man offers an alternative: a tour of Scotland, paying less and playing smaller clubs. If they want Stu, they pay out of their own pockets. Paul and John nod enthusiastically and start dreaming of haggis. And who could blame them? Sheeps' bladders are all the rage.
At the pub, the guys toast their success. "We're going straight to the top," John crows. "The toppermost of the poppermost!" Okay, I hate John Lennon all of a sudden. Seriously -- if this was supposed to inspire fond memories, it has failed. Miserably. John, the font of all ideas, suggests that a British band ought to be called The Crickets. Paul thinks it's been done. "How about...The Beetles," Stu offers. Lennon likes it, but -- aha! -- immediately suggests they change the spelling to play on the word "beat." Everyone likes it and they toast again, this time to "The Beatles." This whole sequence is total bullshit. After Johnny and the Moondogs, the band played as the Silver Beetles for several months before permanently changing to The Beatles. This whole scene is a visual blow-job meant to portray Lennon as the only visionary of the group. Say what you will -- I think the others had moments, too.