After a commercial, one of Jacob's lackeys is talking to Esau. He tells him Jacob wants to kiss and make up. Esau isn't buying it, but the lackey gives him a sack of gold, and Esau agrees to meet Jacob at high noon the next day.
High noon the next day. Jacob and Esau stand facing one another, each on opposite sides of a small stream. A tumbleweed rolls across the water. John Wayne wanders past. They face each other some more. Finally, Jacob runs out into the stream, bows to his brother, and throws down his knife. Esau runs towards Jacob. Jacob runs towards Esau. They meet in the middle of the stream and hug.
They return to the old homestead. Either Isaac has conveniently just died, or Esau had his body stuffed and mounted in the living room. Esau hands over the big stick. It's still not important yet. To tell the truth, it won't actually be important until part two. I know. The suspense is killing you.
Cut to Joseph, showing off his Bathrobe Of Many Colors. Except it's actually only two colors: Off-White and Farther Off-White. And wasn't it just an entire generation ago? Joseph runs around the village showing off the coat, and The Extras are pretty excited about it. I mean, REALLY excited. There's lots of oohing and aahing, and people actually line up for the chance to touch it. I've seen nicer bathrobes at Wal-Mart. I guess this is what you do for fun if you live in a town that doesn't get cable.
By the way, Joseph, as NBC so incessantly reminds us, is played by Third Watch's Eddie Cibrian. I've never seen Third Watch, despite having a friend and cousin who are paramedics. Nothing I've seen of Eddie Cibrian (and in part two we see pretty much all of him) has convinced me to start watching.
The other sons accuse Jacob of favoritism. He says he loves them all equally, even though Third Watch Eddie is the son of Rachel and the rest are all sons of Leah and the handmaidens. He's got twelve kids, so picking a favorite would be pretty hard anyway. Third Watch Eddie tells the family about a dream where his brothers bow down to him. Jacob chastises him, and the other brothers snicker.
Somewhere else. The brothers bicker about the well being dry. All right, I have a confession to make. I can't tell the brothers apart. They're all guys with beards. Then again, in this movie, every guy has a beard. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Only two of them are important. We'll call them Evil Brother and Slightly Less Evil Brother. Slightly Less Evil Brother wants to go Schehem for more water. Evil Brother is too lazy. Third Watch Eddie arrives and is told the well is dry. In a stunning display of deductive reasoning, he notices that the bottom of the well bucket is moist, and determines that the well is just blocked by sand. Only he says it much more snottily than that. Then he mocks their well-digging ability. In my neighborhood, there's no surer way to start a fight than calling someone a poor shoveller. Apparently, this is true in Third Watch Eddie's neighborhood as well, because Evil Brother kicks him and throws him down the well, where he chats with Timmy from The $treet.