Night. Now The Extras are muttering discontentedly. Oscar-winning actor Martin Landau is telling the story of creation, but who cares? One of the child Extras is picking his nose. Hee. Marty gets doubly (or possibly triply) self-referential as he begins his tale with, "In the beginning, there was nothing…" The screen goes blank, and God says, "Let there be incredibly crappy special effects." And so it was. Seriously, people. Apparently, the Creation of the Universe looked a lot like a montage of rejected footage from Dr. Who, Armageddon, 2001, and the old opening credits to The X-Files. Marty goes on to explain what happened on the second and third day of creation. "God said, let dry land appear," he tells The Extras as he pours sand onto a rock. The mound of sand morphs into a volcano, and suddenly we're flying across oceans and mountain ranges. To be fair, this sequence was a lot better than the last one. More computerized effects and twitchy editing for each day of creation. On the fifth day, the waters bring forth life, and for a second I'm afraid that I've sat on the remote and switched to the Discovery Channel. Nope, Marty is still overacting. "And God saw all that he had made," he Hestons, "and God said that it was good." God might want to take that back right about now. The Extras scatter in terror as Marty starts gnawing the scenery. And the Oscar can be returned by…Martin Landau. I hate Tarantino just as much as the next self-respecting moviegoer, but Sam Jackson should be laying down the Lord's vengeance on the Academy for that one.
Heston (Hes-ton) v.: To act according to strict Biblical movie conventions. Notably, shouting to a crowd of Extras below you, while looking upwards and raising your arms to the heavens. Normally appears in conjunction with frequent usage of the words "forsaken," "idolatry," or "harlot." See also Kirk Douglas and Edward G. Robinson.
On the sixth day, God created Arnold Schwarzenegger. Okay, just kidding. We all know Satan did Schwarzenegger. God created Adam. Or in this case, Ricky Martin with facial hair. Actually, he's sort of a poor man's Ricky Martin, much the same way Jacqueline Bisset is your poor man's Jane Seymour. We see him being formed out of the earth, and a tasteful sandstorm hides his naughty bits as he rises from the ground and howls into the wind. Then we're back on Marty, telling the now quite bored-looking Extras how Eve was formed of Adam's rib. "And that is why a man takes a woman for a wife, and they are joined together as one." Dr. Laura looks on approvingly from offstage as Adam and Eve wander the tiny Garden of Eden set. They can go all the way to Morocco for the desert shots, but they can't spring for some realistic-looking plastic ferns? And if the extras are suspiciously Caucasian, then Adam and Eve look weirdly Hispanic. As they cavort nakedly through Eden, they're covered up "Austin Powers"-style by leaves, stems, flowing hair, and in one case an actual fig leaf. Marty starts handling snakes as Eve is tempted by the Fruit of Knowledge. The snake leads her into the thorns, where she pulls out -- a raspberry? The hell? Isn't it supposed to be an apple? Is this what they meant by dramatic license? A quick call to my friend the Bible scholar teaches me that the actual fruit is never specified. Hmm…Strategic Hair Placement Eve feeds the berry to Half-Price Ricky, and fake wind blows across the cheesy set as they are cast out of Eden. Marty goes on to recap the first third or so of Genesis in about two minutes. We briefly see Cain & Abel, and Cain looks like he just walked over from filming on a sequel to The Clan Of The Cave Bear. Noah is mentioned. Marty continues to Heston. Blah blah faith in God blah blah chosen people-cakes. It's all very David Koresh, but The Extras love it. They jump and up and cheer so much I have to rewind and see if he promised them they wouldn't have to watch the rest of this.