Previously on In the Beginning: We witness most of Genesis. Third Watch Eddie is carted off to Egypt. The big stick was last seen with Jacob. I opened every single paragraph in the recap by bitching about the editing and still didn't convey how bad it was.
As the promos end (And yes goddammit, we know he's on Third Watch), I realize there's still two more hours of this crap between me and sweet, sweet relief. Why hast thou forsaken me, O Lord?
We open on the gritty, gritty streets (tm Alex Richmond) of the DreamWorks backlot where Gladiator was filmed. Except I think we're supposed to believe it's ancient Egypt. A bad guy with brown skin named Potiphar (note the extravagant eye make-up) is walking down the street with his lackey. If the theme of Part One was Extras and sheep, then Part Two is all about the lackeys. And the sheep. The lackey is explaining that he's found a quality slave. He's described as being "quick of wit and wiry of sinew like all his people." He's talking about Third Watch Eddie, but I've never heard Jews referred to as being "wiry of sinew" before. Five thousand years, and the only athletes we've been able to muster are Sandy Koufax, Mark Spitz, and some Israeli guy who won a silver medal in Barcelona. Pot Brownie checks out Third Watch Eddie, who's topless. Great. Thirty seconds in and already with the gratuitous beefcake. It's gonna be one of those nights, people.
Pot Brownie, who I believe is being played by the re-animated corpse of Yul Brynner, doesn't believe Third Watch Eddie is legit. He questions his origins, and says he doesn't want to buy stolen property. The lackey produces a bill of sale, complete with Evil Brother's signature. Slave traders being so well known for their devotion to paperwork and fastidious record-keeping. Pot Brownie is still suspicious, but Third Watch Eddie confirms the story. Sold, to the man in the bad eye make-up.
Third Watch Eddie is brought to Pot Brownie's home. There's a woman waiting for them, and before she even speaks a word of dialogue, I've got her nickname. Meet Cleoslutra. She refers to Eddie as a "scrawny little boy." Third Watch Eddie's agent mandates a cut to his client taking a bath just so we can see he's not scrawny. Except he kind of is. Where's the Bathrobe of Two Colors when you really need it?