New Pharaoh. Same lackey. Ramses II is played by Art Malik, who was last seen chasing Satan-spawn Arnold Schwarzenegger around the back of a Harrier jump-jet. He's topless and all oiled up, so I guess that makes him lubricated for her pleasure. Art's actually pretty good in this. Anyway, Pharaoh asks Moses to prove that his God is strong. Moses tells Aaron to throw the Big-But-Not-Important stick onto the floor. He does, and it morphs into a cobra. The Extras, as always, go wild. The Thousand Year Lackey is not impressed. He takes his own stick and tosses it onto the ground, also making a snake. Several others do the same. It's all very phallic, which is why I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to the world that Aaron has the biggest snake of them all. I'm just saying.
See, I knew the stick would be important eventually.
Anyway, Aaron's snake eats the others. Pharaoh's kid gets scared and hops into his lap. Aaron picks the snake up by its tail, and it returns to stick form. Cut to another room, where The Thousand Year Lackey explains that it was all a trick. You drug a snake, keep it in your sleeve, and throw that down while hiding the stick. Of course, that would mean that The Lackey and all The Extras make a habit of walking around with drugged snakes up their sleeves, waiting for just this sort of situation. Whatever. Again. Ramses II goes back and mocks Billy Goat and Aaron for being cheap charlatans.
The hell? Same conversation. Same characters. Only we're outside. They're still laughing at me and Moses. Aaron walks down to the Nile and taps his stick on the water. Stagehands frantically dump buckets of red food coloring into the puddle. Pharaoh's kid gets scared again. Ramses II is spending an awful lot of time on these two if he thinks they're fakers. Maybe they're still recounting his ballots or something.
Plague montage. Billy Goat Gruff stands all dramatically in front of an over-sized setting sun. He tries to Heston something about the wrath of God, but the wind machine drowns him out. Plague one (actually two) is swarms of flies. I shudder, because I have some serious insect issues. I saw Arachnophobia and walked around with a can of Raid for a week. And they're not even insects. We skip frogs and go straight to boils, and can I just say, "Eww." Locusts. More shuddering. More Bill & The Sunset. Close-ups of Art looking worried.
Next is burning hail. The rocks strike in the middle of a crowded street and burst into flame. I look around for the patented Jerry Bruckheimer wacky black guy, complete with cute bulldog. In an ethnic casting surprise, he never shows. Now we get an eclipse. The Thousand Year Lackey explains that it's nothing to worry about. It's just the moon hiding the sun. He calls up some GPS coordinates on his Palm Pilot, and then faxes a report to Pharaoh. Whatever you say there, Copernicus. Ramses II still won't free the Hebrews. Billy Goat Gruff tells him that all the first-born children will die. Art Malik is really working his braided goatee here.