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In The Beginning, Part II

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In The Beginning, Part II
Fade to a few years later. Six-year-old Moses is brought to Cordelia. She says she'll love him, and hold him, and call him George. Commercials. NBCi dot-frigging-com again. The Avalanche score. Crappy commercial break. Crappy show. But at least it's Billy-Time. Moses chats briefly with the Anonymous Pharaoh and the Thousand Year Lackey. Billy's got on eye make-up. Because, you know, he was raised by the Pharaoh and doesn't know he's good yet. Or he's just trying to look pretty. He looks creepy, maybe, but not pretty. Outside, the Hebrew slaves are building what I think is supposed to be the Sphinx. Dawson-ish self-aware chat of how the statues and pyramids will last a thousand years. Billy takes advantage of his first opportunity to Heston. He's pissed that the Hebrews are slaves, when they're his people. He goes on and on about it. I get bored and flip to ESPN. Jagr scores. Woo-hoo! And look, I went to a hockey game and a fight broke out. A slave master is beating a Hebrew, and Moses kills him. The Thousand Year Lackey calls him a murderer. Anonymous Pharaoh orders the guards to seize him. Billy slaps on his rocket pack and flies away. Worst. Edit. Ever. Billy is lying on some rocks, looking like he just downed two bottles of Muscatel and slept in a dumpster. But the eye make-up is gone, and he's got a beard, so we know he's crossed back over from the Dark Side. Flute Of Approaching Mystery. Two black-clad riders this time. A girl and her sisters are standing around a well. Again, for the sake of convenience I'll ID her as Zipporah, Moses's wife-to-be. The riders pull up, and we know they're super evil because they not only wear eye make-up, but they're missing a few teeth. Mario & Wayne tell them they can't stay on this land (Get it? Missing teeth? Hockey players...never mind). Ziploc says they made an arrangement with her dad. Mario & Wayne raise the price. Ziploc gets mad. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. Wayne throws in a gratuitous and wholly inappropriate rape threat. Billy Goat Gruff cuts thrust and lands beside the well. He frightens off Mario & Wayne by crushing a rock in his hands. Billy Goat and Ziploc share meaningful banter. He's on a long journey with no destination. So are Pittsburgh and Colorado, as they head to overtime. Billy goes home with Ziploc, where he meets her dad Jethro. Jethro tulls him that the country is going to hell, what with the black-clad hockey-player-rapists everywhere.

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Mondo Extra
In The Beginning, Part II

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
In The Beginning, Part II

Fade to a few years later. Six-year-old Moses is brought to Cordelia. She says she'll love him, and hold him, and call him George. Commercials. NBCi dot-frigging-com again. The Avalanche score. Crappy commercial break.

Crappy show. But at least it's Billy-Time. Moses chats briefly with the Anonymous Pharaoh and the Thousand Year Lackey. Billy's got on eye make-up. Because, you know, he was raised by the Pharaoh and doesn't know he's good yet. Or he's just trying to look pretty. He looks creepy, maybe, but not pretty. Outside, the Hebrew slaves are building what I think is supposed to be the Sphinx. Dawson-ish self-aware chat of how the statues and pyramids will last a thousand years.

Billy takes advantage of his first opportunity to Heston. He's pissed that the Hebrews are slaves, when they're his people. He goes on and on about it. I get bored and flip to ESPN. Jagr scores. Woo-hoo! And look, I went to a hockey game and a fight broke out. A slave master is beating a Hebrew, and Moses kills him. The Thousand Year Lackey calls him a murderer. Anonymous Pharaoh orders the guards to seize him. Billy slaps on his rocket pack and flies away.

Worst. Edit. Ever. Billy is lying on some rocks, looking like he just downed two bottles of Muscatel and slept in a dumpster. But the eye make-up is gone, and he's got a beard, so we know he's crossed back over from the Dark Side. Flute Of Approaching Mystery. Two black-clad riders this time. A girl and her sisters are standing around a well. Again, for the sake of convenience I'll ID her as Zipporah, Moses's wife-to-be. The riders pull up, and we know they're super evil because they not only wear eye make-up, but they're missing a few teeth. Mario & Wayne tell them they can't stay on this land (Get it? Missing teeth? Hockey players...never mind). Ziploc says they made an arrangement with her dad. Mario & Wayne raise the price. Ziploc gets mad. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. Wayne throws in a gratuitous and wholly inappropriate rape threat. Billy Goat Gruff cuts thrust and lands beside the well. He frightens off Mario & Wayne by crushing a rock in his hands. Billy Goat and Ziploc share meaningful banter. He's on a long journey with no destination. So are Pittsburgh and Colorado, as they head to overtime.

Billy goes home with Ziploc, where he meets her dad Jethro. Jethro tulls him that the country is going to hell, what with the black-clad hockey-player-rapists everywhere.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

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