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"In the Butt, Bob"

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"In the butt, Bob"
9. Card Sharks. Here we go -- eighties game shows at their dumbest. ["I thought Card Sharks originated in the seventies. Huh. You learn something new every day." -- Sars] I suppose that when weekday mornings required the folks at Goodson-Toddman to fill three or four hours with game shows, the creative juices slowed after a while. First of all: who thought this up? The premise seems straight out of my seventh-grade lesson on probability (Question 4: In a standard deck of cards, what is the probability you will draw: a red card? An eight? The jack of stars?). And what did they reject in favor of Card Sharks? Dice Sharks? Flip-A-Coin Sharks? Basically, contestants had to be familiar with playing cards and know how to guess. Also, the contestants would whip themselves up into a froth over paltry prize money and yell out cheesy catchphrases. “Change that card!” “Freeze!” Also, the host gave me the creeps, and the girls who flipped the cards looked like hookers. 8. The Match Game. On. For. Ever. Match Game ’74. Match Game ’77. Match Game PM. Truth be told, I loved Match Game. All that orange and mustard shag carpet. Gene Rayburn and his pencil-thin microphone. Brett Sommer and her Pinball Wizard eyeglasses. Come on, though. Six “celebrities” so washed up, few people could remember what they were famous for when the show aired. (Nipsey Russell. I’m just saying.) Rayburn’s overbite made him look like he was perpetually about to bite off Charles Nelson Reilly’s head. Plus, weren’t the early seventies kind of a free-love time? The questions with the bad sexual innuendo just seem pathetic. (Question 5: Stupid Sally was so stupid, she thought the pharmacist sold “blank”s.) 7. Hollywood Squares. If the folks in the forums don’t skewer me for Match Game, I’ll probably get it for this one. I’m sorry, but -- ENOUGH ALREADY! Three iterations. Three slimy hosts (remember Peter Marshall? Don’t you think he was wearing Gene Rayburn’s teeth?). The questions were either so absurdly simple that my cat could answer them, or so completely random that they verged on unknowable. Who is the President? In an average one-pound box of spaghetti, how many individual strands of pasta would you find? Huh? Plus, does every question have to be followed by a one-liner? I don’t care if it’s delivered by George Gobel, Shadoe Stevens, or Caroline Rhea, "Bazooka Joe" comics are funnier. (Question 6: For the block: everybody knew Jm J Bullock was gay long before he came out. Agree or disagree?)

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Mondo Extra
"In the Butt, Bob"

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
"In the butt, Bob"

8. The Match Game. On. For. Ever. Match Game ’74. Match Game ’77. Match Game PM. Truth be told, I loved Match Game. All that orange and mustard shag carpet. Gene Rayburn and his pencil-thin microphone. Brett Sommer and her Pinball Wizard eyeglasses. Come on, though. Six “celebrities” so washed up, few people could remember what they were famous for when the show aired. (Nipsey Russell. I’m just saying.) Rayburn’s overbite made him look like he was perpetually about to bite off Charles Nelson Reilly’s head. Plus, weren’t the early seventies kind of a free-love time? The questions with the bad sexual innuendo just seem pathetic. (Question 5: Stupid Sally was so stupid, she thought the pharmacist sold “blank”s.)

7. Hollywood Squares. If the folks in the forums don’t skewer me for Match Game, I’ll probably get it for this one. I’m sorry, but -- ENOUGH ALREADY! Three iterations. Three slimy hosts (remember Peter Marshall? Don’t you think he was wearing Gene Rayburn’s teeth?). The questions were either so absurdly simple that my cat could answer them, or so completely random that they verged on unknowable. Who is the President? In an average one-pound box of spaghetti, how many individual strands of pasta would you find? Huh? Plus, does every question have to be followed by a one-liner? I don’t care if it’s delivered by George Gobel, Shadoe Stevens, or Caroline Rhea, "Bazooka Joe" comics are funnier. (Question 6: For the block: everybody knew Jm J Bullock was gay long before he came out. Agree or disagree?)

6. The Dating Game. Here’s a premise: lonely people aren’t filled with enough self-loathing, let’s put 'em on TV! Better yet, make them ask three strangers personal questions about what kind of tree they’d be or how they like to initiate sex. Hide the prospects behind a wall, and when the contestant chooses one, whisk the pair off on a weekend getaway, even though they’ve only known each other twelve seconds. Yeah, that’s not awkward. This show made The Newlywed Game look classy. Worse yet, this show was the Pandora’s box that led to Singled Out, Blind Date, Studs, Love Connection, and Temptation Island. Oh, and I’m sorry, Darva, but The Dating Game was your advance warning. You should have seen it coming. (Question 7: La-la-la. Name that tune.)

5. Treasure Hunt. The poor man’s Let’s Make A Deal. I’m taking a chance that folks will remember this one. No costumes, but a toothsome host who chose three contestants from the studio audience. (I love the phrase “studio audience.” Just hearing it means a lightning round can’t be far off.) The contestants had to turn the handle of a jack-in-the-box, and the one whose box opened got to choose one of 72 prize boxes on the set. One box held the big prize, a bunch held some smaller prizes, and the rest had crap, called “clunks.” 'Cause that doesn’t sound too much like a rip-off of “zonks.” Except that it does. Seriously -- oversized rocking horses, a beat-up old car with no wheels or windows. The worst part was that, before the prizes were awarded, the host led the contestant through some long-winded narrative, alternately raising and dashing their hopes to the point that anyone whoever appeared on this show needed serious therapy or went to work for the Postal Service. (Question 8: True or false -- Joanne Worley or Soupy Sales appeared on, like, every episode of $25,000 Pyramid?)

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