MONDO EXTRAS

Inconceivable: "Pilot"

by admin November 24, 2005
Inconceivable: “Pilot”

Oh, this is going to be so fun. As some of you may know, my husband and I did an IVF cycle last spring, which is why I couldn't wait to get my hands on the pilot of this show, set in a fertility clinic. I knew it was going to be awful, and couldn't wait to rip it apart, so thanks to everyone who donated to the Katrina relief effort and gave me the chance. (Also, our IVF cycle was a failure, so I am a little bitter. And by "a little," I mean "super, very, a lot." You've been warned!)

My TiVo has cut off part of the opening, so we come in on two nurses walking through the office, talking about what they want for lunch. They are waiting for a man to finish his business in one of their "sample" rooms, but a quick look inside reveals that the guy is too riveted by the nurse porn video he's chosen to take any action. The nurses listen outside the door for a minute, and one remarks that he's going to be a while -- "he picked one with a plot." The nurses walk off with the other samples they've picked up, and pass by Ming-Na, who is explaining to a new couple how everything is done on the premises -- the sperm sample is collected, the eggs are fertilized, and then "Dr. Bowers" performs the transfer. Cut to Dr. Bowers, getting ready to perform an actual transfer of embryos into a patient's uterus. Dr. Bowers, by the way, is played by a man named Jonathan Cake, whom you may have seen in such acclaimed television productions as Cold Lazarus and A Dance to the Music of Time. Or not. Anyway, Dr. Bowers readies the transfer syringe; then as he slides it, uh, home, we switch to a shot of the patient, who makes the most hysterical orgasm face I have ever seen. He's not ACTUALLY having sex with you, lady. Bowers and his hottie assistant both get these smug looks on their faces, all, "Damn, we are so awesome!" She's not ACTUALLY pregnant yet, y'all. Bowers announces that the embryos are "in there," and the patient's husband is like, "That's it? You put in all three?" Bowers affirms that he did. The whole thing takes about five seconds. So, let me tell you how this REALLY goes down: After approximately seventy years of lying on a table that looks like a torture device, in which your legs are spread wider than you thought they could possibly go, and are actually beginning to shake from fatigue...your doctor walks in. Then, after fifty more years, during which the doctor will be poking around your woman parts for no apparent reason, an embryologist wheels in a giant box with all kinds of buttons and sirens and crazy blinking lights. This box contains your embryos. It will take your R.E. thirty minutes to prepare the syringe with said embryos, and then another thirty to actually transfer the damn things into your uterus. You are then made to use a bedpan, roll over, and lie on your stomach for another hour. When they let you get up, you are led to the billing department, where you will write a check for twelve thousand dollars. The end!

Cut to the reception area, where a ditsy woman strolling triplets is screaming at the top of her lungs, "THREE EMBRYOS! THEY ALL TOOK! FIRST TRY!" The children are there for the September babies party, which is taking place...at the clinic? I have to tell you, if I had walked into my clinic -- a place for the INFERTILE -- and seen fifty babies screaming and running around and partying with their successfully impregnated mothers? I would have blown the place up. There is one place in the world where children should not absolutely not be allowed, and that place is inside a fertility clinic. Nobody wants to sit in a waiting room with walking, talking reminders of their FAILURE AS WOMEN, and I will tell you that for free. The ditz, who I guess is a nurse or something, asks Alfre Woodard where Rachel (Ming-Na) is, and Alfre says she's at the hospital. "Tammy's gone into labor."

At the hospital, Tammy has indeed gone into labor, and is already at the pushing stage. Tammy is a surrogate for an uptight-looking white couple. Imagine their surprise when the baby comes, and...it's a little black boy! Congratulations! Everyone is stunned, including Ming-Na, who is there for no reason that I can see -- successful IVF pregnancies are handed off to OB/GYNs after ten weeks. The male half of the couple is all, "What the hell is this?" We get a shot of the baby crying, and then the credits. This show is awful already! I love it!

Ming-Na is in Tammy's hospital room, trying to find out what the hell went wrong. Tammy whines that "Dan and Adrien," the couple whose baby she supposedly carried, don't believe her. Ming-Na says she believes Tammy. The upshot of all this is that either Dr. Bowers transferred the wrong embryos, or good ol' Tammy had herself some sex before the transfer, and got pregnant with her own baby, whose father was obviously black. Tammy can't believe the couple left without the baby, which doesn't make sense -- why would they take a baby that wasn't theirs? She starts freaking out about not getting paid, and Ming-Na tells her that the baby's DNA still has to be tested before they go any further. Tammy screeches that they can't just walk away; they signed a contract. "They can't just DO that! Can they?!" Aw, Tammy. I think they can. Ming-Na says nothing, because she has no idea.

Cut to the clinic, where all the doctors and nurses are having a meeting about what to do. One of them thinks that there's no way Dr. Bowers put in the wrong egg, which he says like "ayg," and which is also not what he put in at all, because it's called an embryo. Their lawyer doesn't want to take it to court, because if they lose, their insurance premiums will be astronomical. A kind of creepy-looking male nurse wails, "Ohhhh, maaaaan, this is baaaaad." Alfre Woodard asks if Bowers knows. Ming-Na says he does, but he is currently busy with a patient, whom we shall now visit.

Bowers is performing an ultrasound on the patient. He tells the woman that the only thing more beautiful than she, Ellen, is her uterine lining, which is "thick, fluffy, and perfect for those embryos." Ellen inexplicably finds this charming, and says she can't wait another two days for her beta HCG pregnancy test. I guess Ellen doesn't understand that they actually sell pregnancy tests at the drugstore, the kind that you can pee on. What I don't understand is why Dr. Bowers is using a standard ultrasound machine, when what Ellen would actually be getting is the super-fun and much more exciting dildo-cam. Ellen says she just wants to be done with all these tests and shots and more shots. Ellen's husband, who appears to be a priest or reverend of some kind, rolls his eyes, so he's either sick of everything too, or he hates his wife and wants her to suffer. Ellen asks if she can give her husband a shot, since he gets to stick her with a needle every night. Bowers says of course she can -- he'll give her a progesterone shot every night, and she'll give him a shot of B12. "Tit for tat. Or, cheek for cheek." Ellen laughs so hard at this, I fear she will dislodge her embryos, but her husband doesn't find it very funny at all. He says this is the fourth time they've done IVF, and he's sick of walking into this office. He's sick of specimen cups and making a baby in separate rooms, blah blah sadness. Then he apologizes, and says he's just starting to...lose a little faith. Oh, HO HO! Get it? Bowers totally inappropriately asks if they've thought of a name for their "child" yet -- the one Ellen may not actually be pregnant with, especially if she's already had four failed cycles. Ellen does not slap Bowers into next week, but responds, "If it's a boy, he loves the name Daniel." Bowers smarms at the reverend that when he's holding Daniel in his arms for the first time, all this will be a distant memory. And when Ellen's beta comes back negative, I'm sure the reverend will be happy to make your face a distant memory.

Bowers graces the rest of the office with his presence, all, "Greetings! Am I too late?" For th

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Inconceivable: "Pilot"

by admin November 24, 2005
Inconceivable: “Pilot”

Oh, this is going to be so fun. As some of you may know, my husband and I did an IVF cycle last spring, which is why I couldn't wait to get my hands on the pilot of this show, set in a fertility clinic. I knew it was going to be awful, and couldn't wait to rip it apart, so thanks to everyone who donated to the Katrina relief effort and gave me the chance. (Also, our IVF cycle was a failure, so I am a little bitter. And by "a little," I mean "super, very, a lot." You've been warned!)

My TiVo has cut off part of the opening, so we come in on two nurses walking through the office, talking about what they want for lunch. They are waiting for a man to finish his business in one of their "sample" rooms, but a quick look inside reveals that the guy is too riveted by the nurse porn video he's chosen to take any action. The nurses listen outside the door for a minute, and one remarks that he's going to be a while -- "he picked one with a plot." The nurses walk off with the other samples they've picked up, and pass by Ming-Na, who is explaining to a new couple how everything is done on the premises -- the sperm sample is collected, the eggs are fertilized, and then "Dr. Bowers" performs the transfer. Cut to Dr. Bowers, getting ready to perform an actual transfer of embryos into a patient's uterus. Dr. Bowers, by the way, is played by a man named Jonathan Cake, whom you may have seen in such acclaimed television productions as Cold Lazarus and A Dance to the Music of Time. Or not. Anyway, Dr. Bowers readies the transfer syringe; then as he slides it, uh, home, we switch to a shot of the patient, who makes the most hysterical orgasm face I have ever seen. He's not ACTUALLY having sex with you, lady. Bowers and his hottie assistant both get these smug looks on their faces, all, "Damn, we are so awesome!" She's not ACTUALLY pregnant yet, y'all. Bowers announces that the embryos are "in there," and the patient's husband is like, "That's it? You put in all three?" Bowers affirms that he did. The whole thing takes about five seconds. So, let me tell you how this REALLY goes down: After approximately seventy years of lying on a table that looks like a torture device, in which your legs are spread wider than you thought they could possibly go, and are actually beginning to shake from fatigue...your doctor walks in. Then, after fifty more years, during which the doctor will be poking around your woman parts for no apparent reason, an embryologist wheels in a giant box with all kinds of buttons and sirens and crazy blinking lights. This box contains your embryos. It will take your R.E. thirty minutes to prepare the syringe with said embryos, and then another thirty to actually transfer the damn things into your uterus. You are then made to use a bedpan, roll over, and lie on your stomach for another hour. When they let you get up, you are led to the billing department, where you will write a check for twelve thousand dollars. The end!

Cut to the reception area, where a ditsy woman strolling triplets is screaming at the top of her lungs, "THREE EMBRYOS! THEY ALL TOOK! FIRST TRY!" The children are there for the September babies party, which is taking place...at the clinic? I have to tell you, if I had walked into my clinic -- a place for the INFERTILE -- and seen fifty babies screaming and running around and partying with their successfully impregnated mothers? I would have blown the place up. There is one place in the world where children should not absolutely not be allowed, and that place is inside a fertility clinic. Nobody wants to sit in a waiting room with walking, talking reminders of their FAILURE AS WOMEN, and I will tell you that for free. The ditz, who I guess is a nurse or something, asks Alfre Woodard where Rachel (Ming-Na) is, and Alfre says she's at the hospital. "Tammy's gone into labor."

At the hospital, Tammy has indeed gone into labor, and is already at the pushing stage. Tammy is a surrogate for an uptight-looking white couple. Imagine their surprise when the baby comes, and...it's a little black boy! Congratulations! Everyone is stunned, including Ming-Na, who is there for no reason that I can see -- successful IVF pregnancies are handed off to OB/GYNs after ten weeks. The male half of the couple is all, "What the hell is this?" We get a shot of the baby crying, and then the credits. This show is awful already! I love it!

Ming-Na is in Tammy's hospital room, trying to find out what the hell went wrong. Tammy whines that "Dan and Adrien," the couple whose baby she supposedly carried, don't believe her. Ming-Na says she believes Tammy. The upshot of all this is that either Dr. Bowers transferred the wrong embryos, or good ol' Tammy had herself some sex before the transfer, and got pregnant with her own baby, whose father was obviously black. Tammy can't believe the couple left without the baby, which doesn't make sense -- why would they take a baby that wasn't theirs? She starts freaking out about not getting paid, and Ming-Na tells her that the baby's DNA still has to be tested before they go any further. Tammy screeches that they can't just walk away; they signed a contract. "They can't just DO that! Can they?!" Aw, Tammy. I think they can. Ming-Na says nothing, because she has no idea.

Cut to the clinic, where all the doctors and nurses are having a meeting about what to do. One of them thinks that there's no way Dr. Bowers put in the wrong egg, which he says like "ayg," and which is also not what he put in at all, because it's called an embryo. Their lawyer doesn't want to take it to court, because if they lose, their insurance premiums will be astronomical. A kind of creepy-looking male nurse wails, "Ohhhh, maaaaan, this is baaaaad." Alfre Woodard asks if Bowers knows. Ming-Na says he does, but he is currently busy with a patient, whom we shall now visit.

Bowers is performing an ultrasound on the patient. He tells the woman that the only thing more beautiful than she, Ellen, is her uterine lining, which is "thick, fluffy, and perfect for those embryos." Ellen inexplicably finds this charming, and says she can't wait another two days for her beta HCG pregnancy test. I guess Ellen doesn't understand that they actually sell pregnancy tests at the drugstore, the kind that you can pee on. What I don't understand is why Dr. Bowers is using a standard ultrasound machine, when what Ellen would actually be getting is the super-fun and much more exciting dildo-cam. Ellen says she just wants to be done with all these tests and shots and more shots. Ellen's husband, who appears to be a priest or reverend of some kind, rolls his eyes, so he's either sick of everything too, or he hates his wife and wants her to suffer. Ellen asks if she can give her husband a shot, since he gets to stick her with a needle every night. Bowers says of course she can -- he'll give her a progesterone shot every night, and she'll give him a shot of B12. "Tit for tat. Or, cheek for cheek." Ellen laughs so hard at this, I fear she will dislodge her embryos, but her husband doesn't find it very funny at all. He says this is the fourth time they've done IVF, and he's sick of walking into this office. He's sick of specimen cups and making a baby in separate rooms, blah blah sadness. Then he apologizes, and says he's just starting to...lose a little faith. Oh, HO HO! Get it? Bowers totally inappropriately asks if they've thought of a name for their "child" yet -- the one Ellen may not actually be pregnant with, especially if she's already had four failed cycles. Ellen does not slap Bowers into next week, but responds, "If it's a boy, he loves the name Daniel." Bowers smarms at the reverend that when he's holding Daniel in his arms for the first time, all this will be a distant memory. And when Ellen's beta comes back negative, I'm sure the reverend will be happy to make your face a distant memory.

Bowers graces the rest of the office with his presence, all, "Greetings! Am I too late?" For th

1 2 3 4 5Next

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